Will I Regret Going No Contact with My Narcissistic Family?

Where I come from, blood runs thicker than water. It doesn't matter if your family lies, cheats, or steals, you are expected to have their back and engage with them regardless of their behavior. In small towns, support outside of those who share your last name and DNA can be slim.

As someone who severed contact with almost all of my family, I embody the counter-culture of small-town values. Ever since I broke the mold, my fellow townies have tried to convince me to shove myself back into it.

On many occasions, when sharing that I don't speak to most of my relatives because they perpetuated narcissistic abuse on me, I receive a scolding rather than compassionate understanding.

"You should cherish the time with your family while you can now! One day, they'll be gone and you'll wish you did. You only get one (insert family member here), so you should appreciate them before it's too late."

I get the heart behind this comment. The individuals who express this sentiment probably project their grief and regret onto me.

Or they're attempting to soothe their cognitive dissonance at engaging with an unhealthy family member despite their past bad behavior.

I've seen many middle-aged people who keep caring for their aging parents out of guilt and obligation. Their parents could be the most toxic people in the entire world, but they'll show up to deliver meals, chit-chat, and drop off some fresh crossword puzzles regardless.

Maybe this stems from aiming to score an inheritance. However, judging by the poverty and debt that wracks these families, I'm guessing that they don't hope for a monetary gain. These folks seem to feel like they would neglect their parents if they didn't continue providing for their basic needs. It's the ultimate parentification.

Usually, as our parents reach senility, the roles reverse to some degree. We might feed them, clothe them, bathe them, dress them, and take them to appointments just like they did for us when we were dependent on them. It's a normal cycle of life.

This process takes on a different tone, however, when our parents didn't provide basic nurturing when we lived under their wing.

In some ways, it's noble when adult children can put aside the past and assist their retired 'rents despite a history of neglect in their childhood. In other ways, it signals the imbalance of power that parents seeded in childhood.

For those who reconnect with toxic relatives "before it's too late," you do you, boo.

Family is complicated, so I won't judge anyone for how they cope with childhood abuse.

As for me, I couldn't rekindle the relationship just to make myself feel like the bigger person. I took care of my parents emotionally, sometimes even financially as a child by donating every dollar I came across to their cause.

Even as a young adult, my parents felt entitled to any money or resources that found their way to me. They guilt-tripped me about their inability to afford groceries whenever I gained an extra few bucks for special occasions or a holiday.

I can only imagine the field day they would have if I gave them an inch of my resources and energy out of my own volition. Since my family couldn't respect simple boundaries before, I refuse to do the same thing we once did and expect different results. That's the definition of insanity and it is a surefire way to drive me up a wall.

If older family members were truly helpless, I would refer them to aging services and help them get set up with a nursing facility or assisted living situation. But other than those basic acts I don't feel comfortable opening the door to their greed again.

My older family members had many years to foster a relationship with me and prove themselves worthy. They failed to show that they are safe people with good intentions and I can't risk being hurt again.

Do I stand by my choice to cut off toxic family members?

This is a republished excerpt. Read the full original story on Medium linked below to find out!