Why You Never Feel Loved

I was born to love.

I saw the beauty in everything, my mother always told me I was the happiest girl in the world. That's why it hurt later on when she told me she missed that girl.

I'm not sure if it was the romance novels I started reading at a young age or if it was the young Taylor Swift love songs but I loved love. I loved the way notes could be passed across the room and rosy cheeks could be seen from corridors away. I fell in love with poems and the forbidden love between the sun and the moon. I romanticized everything in my life and craved this intense feeling of passion and love.

No one really talks about how hard it is to grow up. They say that's just how things are, but no one really mourns their childhood. I asked my friend once how she grew she grew up and she said the obvious like paying bills, moving out of her parents, and doing taxes. She got really quiet after that. I think we're expected to grow up and move on too quickly. Parents grow up and say enjoy it while it lasts and they chuckle. But they don't really understand that their kids will grow to fear adulthood thinking their old lives will be out of reach, somewhere in Neverland. I think we are forced to grow up to quickly.

After puberty, it seems like everything goes downhill from there. You're going through all these weird hormonal changes and kids are starting to fall in love. Love. My favorite four-letter word, well that changed as I grew up too. No one really tells you how different everything is when you get older. I had all these ideas of how I'd meet my first boyfriend, I'd be grocery shopping and my shopping car would crash into yours. I'd be at a bookstore and we'd reach for the same book. I know. What a hopeless romantic.

I met him at a party. I was invited by my friend and decided to go for some reason, I was never a big party animal. He was sitting on the couch when I was introduced. He was cute and had this quirky laugh about him. Our zodiacs were compatible too. I spent the whole night talking to him. I went home excited and thought I should go to more parties. We talked for hours to come until he finally asked me out. And there it was my first boyfriend. I wanted carnival dates and trips to the city. Roses and chocolate. They don't really set you up for disappointment do they?

It was a little late when I realized he didn't exactly want what I wanted. More he wanted part of me, so to speak. I remember thinking this is love. This is the most sacred form of it. I cried once I went home that night. I think that's when my childhood ended. I was 15.

He broke up with me a little while after that. He said something along the lines of how we would be better off as friends and after I lost my virginity to him, he lost a lot of his feelings. I don't think I ever felt that kind of pain anymore. Heartbreak is a funny thing. Not everyone can understand it. It's not an excuse you can get out of work or school with. I stopped believing in love after that. I started to tell my friends things like screw all men and men don't deserve us. I had another boyfriend, that's a completely other story. So that was it? All of these movies and books, were they all fiction? Was there something wrong with me? And that's when I clicked.

I stopped looking for men to complete me because that is what I was looking for my whole life. Someone to call my own. I decided to take a sabbatical and focus on myself. This is when I realized I those years of yearning for love really came from not receiving enough love from my parents. Bless their hearts they tried their best but I never really felt like I was appreciated and love. My mother was never one to show her emotions and when you have a daughter who wears her heart on her sleeve there are bound to be clashes. I wanted love so badly I looked for it in all the wrong places, when really I should have been looking for it in me. Self-love. I was searching for love so long I didn't even realize I had it all along. The only person who knew how I wanted to be loved was me.

I took myself to the carnival and got myself that fluffy cotton candy I always wanted. I went to the city with my best-friend. I took myself to that restaurant. I bought myself that dress. I went to parties. I got myself chocolate. I wrote myself love letters and soon enough I never felt like I needed anyone else. I had everything I needed inside of me. I reclaimed my view of love. I love everyone and everything. I am forever a hopeless romantic, but if I reach for a book in that cosy bookstore I love so much I'm only if the only person reaching for it is me. You are who you have been waiting for.