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'Why Won’t Women Date Me?'

Hint: It’s not because they don’t like nice guys like you.

By Ossiana M. TepfenhartPublished 5 years ago 5 min read

I remember the last time I stepped in vomit.

I didn’t realize I did it at first. But then, slowly, I started to smell something funky in the area. I decided to walk around, to get away from the stink. No matter where I went, the acrid stench that kept assaulting my nose continued to hold.

Despite me walking around to get away from the smell, I never thought once to look down at my feet. People started making faces, and then finally, someone said, “Your shoes stink.”

I looked down, and there was the puke. As it ended up, it wasn’t the surrounding area. It was me. I was the one who reeked.

This strange moment in my life serves as an amazing allegory for all the trials and tribulations that I’ve had in my dating life. You see, the older I got, the more I realized that we all step in vomit when we date.

Generally speaking, every time I had serious problems getting a date, I was not well. My mental health would be in shambles, my life would be a mess, or I just gave up. Though I’m born female, this is really more of a “guy problem.”

When I look online, I notice that most men ask why women won’t date them. At times, coming to terms with everything means a good, long look in the mirror. Please allow me to hold up the mirror for you.

First, let’s take a look at your beliefs about dating.

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Guys, I can’t even blame you if you have toxic beliefs about dating. Society always fed guys crap about how women work, why having sex makes a man “worthy,” and even low-key talks about how men are entitled to women.

With the advent of the internet, things just seem to have gotten a lot worse. A lot of online forums will have you thinking that women are totally amoral, that they’re gold diggers, or that they don’t have feelings. Misogyny is rampant on the net, and sadly, it can easily become an echo chamber that makes you hate women.

Ask yourself honestly—do you feel like women owe men sex if they’re polite to them? Do you feel like women shouldn’t be able to say no, regardless of their attraction to you? Have you lashed out in anger at a girl for rejecting you, or slut-shamed a random girl?

If so, you're being affected by toxic beliefs about women. Believe it or not, women pick up on this pretty quickly. Most run away, as they should. After all, you really can’t have a healthy relationship when you low-key hate your partner’s gender.

Now would be a good time to do a detox from people who reinforce those beliefs. Therapy can help.

Would you date you?

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I want you to be very honest with yourself for a moment—and yes, this will hurt. Let’s say that you just went into a gender-bending machine in a parallel universe. You are now a chick, looking for a date.

Guys are paying attention to you all the time, but really, you’re looking for someone to love and build a future with. You want someone who you find attractive, who you would be proud to introduce to mom and dad.

Would you date you? Are you who you want to be right now? Do you want to be thinner, more muscular, more successful in your career? What would you, as you are now, have to offer female-you?

If you wouldn’t want to date you, then you need to become a better you. Things like hygiene, weight loss, and getting a better lifestyle can do wonders for your confidence and your dating life.

Are you realistic with your expectations?

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People who are healthy, active, and successful tend to pair off with one another. People who live similar lifestyles also tend to pair off with one another. If the women you’re approaching have nothing in common with you, you’re gonna have a bad time.

Attraction is a two-way street. Girls are attracted to guys as attractive as they are. Don’t expect a girl who has it all, if you only have a little.

Are you trying to buy attraction?

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Kindness is one thing, being a complete doormat is another.

Girls actually find assertive guys to be the hottest. Assertive guys are willing to say no to things they don’t want to do. They are willing to ask girls out, but won’t give up after one random chick rejects them. Girls want a chase, too!

This behavior is often caused by trying to negotiate attraction, love, acceptance, and respect. By saying “yes” all the time, you hope they’ll want you around. This actually has the opposite effect; most people respect you less if you bend over backwards for them.

Attraction is not transactional, nor is it negotiable. If a girl isn’t attracted to you, you need to move on. You can't force people to like you!

Desperation isn’t sexy. Are you desperate?

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I’m going to be honest. There’s isn’t a “someone for everyone” out there, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is acting totally desperate and pleading others to be with you. Trust me, I’ve been there. All it does is get you pity dates, and those will never amount to anything.

A major shift in perspective is what’s needed here. A partner is not a must; it’s an add-on. Start thinking about dating as, “If it happens, it’s an extra bonus. I want to see if we mesh.”

Now, let’s take a look at your social skills…

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Some of the sweetest people I know are about as socially savvy as a rock. I ought to know; I still have problems figuring people out. It’s tough! The biggest issue here is self-awareness.

When a person is self-aware, they know how others see their behavior. They are able to empathize with others. They are also able to figure out why they feel the way they do, and figure out how each reaction will change the way they see them.

People who lack self-awareness don’t know why they repel people, but are very aware they do. They often will say very inappropriate things, do inappropriate gestures, or find themselves unable to actually pick up on social cues.

Many people who lack this trait will try to control others, browbeat them, and bully them as a way to get what they want. Funny thing is, they don’t often know why they do it or why they want what they want.

Guys, this isn’t healthy. You really do need self-awareness to function in society.

I find the best way to gain self-awareness is through honest feedback, and actually accepting advice from others. Having a friend or family member tell you what you’re doing wrong can help immensely—as can certain forms of therapy.

Sometimes, it’s a matter of mental health.

Photo by Mikail Duran on Unsplash

Do you find yourself seething with rage at the world? Are you depressed? Bitter? People notice that, you know.

If you’re not well, people will not want to be around you. It’s just that simple. When your mental health is failing you, it’s often time to take a break.

People want stability, and if you’re not stable, you will drive others away from you. If you are noticing symptoms of mental health problems, it may be time to talk to someone.

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About the Creator

Ossiana M. Tepfenhart

Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer based out of NJ. You can message her via Twitter on @bluntandwitty or via Instagram on @ossiana.makes.content. She's always looking for freelance work and collabs!

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    Ossiana M. TepfenhartWritten by Ossiana M. Tepfenhart

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