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Why We Should Set Boundaries

And what they say about our self worth.

By Janine AgombarPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I've never been very good at setting boundaries. It seems like a lot of work to me.

But lately, I've started to reflect on how I manage relationships with those around me and it occurred to me that setting boundaries is in fact pretty necessary in life. It can make a real difference about how we're treated by others.

I've discovered recently that boundary setting is mainly all about how we value ourselves; how much self-worth we feel. It's never come particularly easy to me. I am a heart-on-the-sleeve kind of girl. I take people at face value most of the time and strive to see the best in everyone. And while this is seemingly a commendable trait, it can also be my downfall sometimes. I get hurt. I trust very easily and will always give people the benefit of the doubt. It doesn’t come very naturally to me to put my needs above someone else’s.

But this quality, at times, means that people take advantage of my good nature. There seems to be an inherent assumption that if we are vocal about what we will and won't accept in terms of other people's behaviour, we are being difficult or high maintenance. But I've come to view boundaries as a pretty vital part of my relationship with others — both personally and professionally. I've realised that I can't expect others to treat me with love and respect if I don't have that for myself.

And really, that's what it's all about. Respect for ourselves. By setting boundaries, what we are really saying to others is that we value ourselves and we have limits about what we will and won't accept. It's not always easy to do. God knows I have nowhere near mastered this. It takes a certain level of confidence to say to someone that you believe you are worth more. Not more than them, but more than wherever perception they have of you. Most of us find it much easier to be kind to others but not to ourselves. And it's that self-deprecating attitude that can lead to feelings being trodden on.

Boundaries are a way of protecting ourselves from a whole heap of pain. By setting clear parameters, we give the other person the responsibility of their own actions. Boundaries allow us to say no when we feel that something isn’t right and we are under absolutely no obligation to make sense to anyone else.

If you aren’t clear on what you will and won't tolerate in a relationship, whether it’s a personal one or a professional one, you are giving the other party carte-blanche to treat you however they want.

Some people have this skill down from a young age; they just seem to effortlessly get what they want out of life because they know their value. Others, like me, have to work a little bit harder sometimes to recognise and acknowledge my self-worth. But, the good news for me is—I’m getting there. I’m reflecting on this a lot more and trying to recognise opportunities for asserting some boundaries.

I’m starting to realise that I do deserve to be treated right. I’m not a doormat for people to wipe their feet on. I’ve made a vow to myself to start caring a little bit more about me and less about hurting people’s feelings by saying no.

If I don’t love myself, why should anyone else?

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About the Creator

Janine Agombar

Human, mother, therapist, writer, vegan.

Author of The Thinking Girl's Guide To Life blog

Tweet me @JanineAgombar

Facebook The Thinking Girls Guide to Life

Blog earlyburlyblog.wordpress.com

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