Why I Didn't Go to Prom

Prom. For some, this is one of the most important events to happen in their lives. It's the event that will create memories for years to come. Prom was not just some school dance in my school, it was an event that could not be missed.

Well, I missed it. It may have been because my inner Katiness Everdeen was sparked and this was me silently protesting against dancing and everything which holds connotations of fun, or as simple as me not being bothered.

I always hoped I wouldn't become that cliché from a coming-of-age story, someone who feels empowered by not going to prom. I didn't. It kinda sucks not going in a generation where technology has been implanted in every aspect of our lives, which in simpler terms, means you couldn't hide from the posts.

Oh, the posts on social media! The agony of seeing everyone smiling, taking photos with one another. A tap on Facebook and suddenly all profile pictures have been changed and my Instagram feed is suddenly just pictures and pictures of happy moments.

And here I was feeling incomplete, feeling as I have missed out. But that's social media isn't it? Everyone trying to create a façade, illustrating an image of them having a life of joy and having the need to share that they gulp fruit-shakes and smoothies every morning. Were all these happy faces I saw essentially fake?

No. Because my friends did not stop talking about how it was the most amazing night of their lives and how teachers became young again and let their party animal spirit be summoned.

I always felt as I had to justify why I didn't go. I always found myself coming up with new excuses for why I didn't. "Too expensive" or "I just can't be bothered" were the most common excuses I'd give.

In all honesty, I don't know why I didn't go but I can try to tell you why. Although my memory remains hazy and fragmented so I can only paint half the Mona Lisa but, I'll try.

I remember the last year of secondary school being a difficult time for me. I was lonely. I knew people and I had friends yet I was always alone during lunch, nowhere to be seen or found. I would sit around with people to make a part of me believe I am part of something.

Now when prom came around, it was the bare thought of having to sit in a room alienated because I didn't have someone I could go dance with or take a picture for the gram with. So why would I feed this insecurity that has slithered within me and created this false belief that I do not hold any importance?

I was never anyone's first choice, always the second, or the third. I'm the side of the main dish. I was always just there in a sense. Now I tried to imagine how this would be in prom, where everyone has someone to tag along with while I search endlessly trying to see if someone would take a picture so I can add a little hashtag to make myself believe I was happy.

I wanted myself to believe I didn't need this night to try and seek love and attention from others when I failed to love myself. I needed to find confidence in myself before searching for it within someone's compliment or advice.

Call me selfish for wanting some attention on myself, I feed it to others but have I ever had a portion of it myself?

I always seek that sense of belonging, but I believed I wasn't going to find it in prom. I had to find it within myself. I had to learn to enjoy the company of myself.

I'm sorry if you read this thinking this post would be an interesting juicy piece where I reveal how I strongly hated half of my school or how someone tried to prevent me from going.

Me not going prom in a sense was just me discovering myself. Trying to come to reason with who I am and accepting that I didn't need prom to have this feel-good sensation.

At least I'll sound cool to my future kids (I hope).