Why Does She Want to Get Back With Her Narcissistic Ex?

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it is better to leave them broken than trying to hurt yourself by putting it back together.”

This quote has a deep personal meaning to me. I also think there is profound wisdom in these words. And yet, I am surprised that no matter how broken a relationship leaves some folks, it doesn’t keep them from wanting to go back to that which broke them.

Isn’t been fu*ked up beyond recognition the first time around reason enough to deter a person from going back?

Apparently not.

The reason I’m riled up is a question I found floating around social media along the lines of — “What goes through the mind of my narcissist ex when he sees me looking better (and hotter) after he discarded me?”

Am I reading this wrong or did Leia (who is looking for an answer to this question) just put in a ton of effort into looking her best so she could catch the attention of her narcissistic ex?

But why??

Perhaps the more important question would be : “Does Leia think for a moment that it will create a change of heart in the narcissist?”

I think Edward Tierney answers it best in these words “It is easier to say what will NOT happen- the narc will realize what they have lost, and change into the person you loved, the charming, considerate lover you thought they were. That is a pipe dream.”

A narcissistic abuse cycle usually consists of three stages: Idealization, devaluing and discard. Since a narcissist thrives on supply (special treatment, admiration, validation to feed their sense of entitlement), the discard stage occurs when the narcissist deems that your well as a “supply source” has run dry. In other words you have figured them out for what they are and they can no longer expect you to meet their needs.

Dear Leia,

Here’s my response to your question — “What goes through the mind of my narcissist ex when he sees me looking better (and hotter) after he discarded me?”:

I’d say there is a really good reason why you are in the best shape of your life, after the discard. You are doing a great job of breaking the trauma bond and rediscovering the real you. That’s the best affirmation you can give yourself and also show the world that you survived a toxic relationship and are the better for it.

It’s like a caterpillar finally freeing itself of its stifling cocoon and flapping its beautiful wings in the sunshine.

As for your narcissist ex, he will see what he wants to see. He might send some feelers to see if you are open to hoovering (that is if he hasn’t found a new supply to replace you yet). But he is more likely to flip this amazing transformation of yours in his mind as attempts by you to re-attract him. Go figure but narcissists like to rewrite the story in such a way that is acceptable to their ego especially now that you have gone and done the totally unexpected.

Remember, you deserve more than a one sided relationship that is catering to the needs of a bottomless pit, to be constantly criticized for no fault of yours, to be lied to and gaslighted till you don’t know which way is up.

The purpose of being in a relationship is not for your partner to use you to satisfy their selfish needs but instead it is about talking, moving and loving with a shared purpose — to be there for each other, to treat each other with kindness and respect, to reciprocate, to build something special and lasting.

I know this may not be the answer you had in mind but the question is — does it really matter what your narcissistic ex thinks?

Enjoy your new life, beautiful butterfly and be glad that you are the lucky one that got away!

Sincerely,

A well wisher.

Originally published in Medium