Why Didn't You Stay?

The question keeps popping up in my mind over and over for multiple people - Why couldn’t you love me enough to stay? I have lost a number of people in my life who claimed to love me for various reasons, and as someone with an anxiety disorder who has not sat well with me and I constantly find myself asking why couldn’t they love me enough to stay in my life.

My best friend and first love passed away 5 years ago due to complications from diabetes and the inept care he was shown by the police officers who found him on the side of the road. They thought that he was drunk or high and not in need of the insulin that was in his bag in the backseat of his car, and it was their lack of training and empathy that led to his death. I am still angry at him for not managing his diabetes better as he was with me when I got the call of my father’s passing due to complications from diabetes, and in the same breath I miss them both dearly. They were both in their 50s at their passing and I can’t help but wonder, if you loved me, why didn’t you take care of your health so that you would still be here with me. I know that that sounds somewhat irrational, but the anxiety section of my brain just gets so caught up in the fact that I often feel alone whether it’s agonizing over something that has not gone as planned or celebrating my successes.

A guy I was dating but didn’t really know well was sentenced to 25 years to life and he writes me letters and calls me regularly to tell me he loves me and how much he misses me, so if he loved me why didn’t he love me enough to not do the crime that got him 25 minimum years behind bars.The crazy thing is I met him while teaching a basic computer class through a re-entry program that provided training for people who had been incarcerated or in drug habilitation, and he had such a positive outlook on his future after having done 10 years for assault with a deadly weapon as he was a licensed boxer and lot permitted to fight outside of a boxing ring and his bar fight landed him in jail. So if you just did 10 years and hadn’t been out a full 2 years, why wasn’t your love me enough to keep your freedom so that you could still be by my side.

I had other relationships besides these two that ended for one reason or another and the other person “confessing” months or years later that they still loved me, but in my mind I’m still saying not enough to make the relationship work. So after all of this I decided that it was the single life for me and I stayed single for years, until my sister friend gave my number to this guy without my permission. It took him months to call but when he did, we hit it off right away and it made me reconsider the single life I had decided upon. We moved in together 2 years after we started dating and then 8 months later we packed and moved 1200 miles across the country together, and things were looking up. We made plans to get married, I mean I got my passport and everything for this destination wedding he was planning. Yes, he was the one planning the wedding, and then tragedy struck. He had a massive stroke on Christmas Eve a year and few months after we moved to Texas, and it was bad! He couldn’t walk or talk, had lost a good bit of his vision, nor could he feed himself, but I loved him enough to stay and nurse him back to health. Little did I know it would turn into 18 months of pure hell as he never fully recovered, and became angry, bitter, and paranoid and began taking those feeling out on me 6 months into his recovery but I loved him enough to stay even though I was forced to sleep on the couch, take on a second job to make ends meet, and take care of him and household chores. Sixteen months in, I needed a break so I bought vendor space at a Writer’s Conference in Atlanta that would take place in 2 months time, I told him about it and even offered to take him to his hometown to spend time with his family while I was gone, but he didn’t want to do that. I left for the conference and was gone for 7 days, and when I returned home he was gone. No note, no phone call, no text message, just gone along with most of the household furnishings. You claimed to love me yet you decided to leave like a thief in the night, and almost 3 years later I haven’t heard one word from you. Once again my anxiety is getting the best of me, why can’t anyone love me enough to stay.

So I once again make the decision that it’s the single life for me until the end of time, and lo and behold I get a text message out of the blue from I dated in the past saying that he still loves me and is ready to be the man in my life. At this point seeing is believing for me, especially with this one who had no idea what he wanted to do with this life at the time we were dating which is why we drifted apart because my ambition got in the way of his procrastination. After a couple of months of texts and calls, I see that he is in exactly the same place in life he was 10 years ago and make the decision that we will not be developing a relationship now or probably ever for my ambition has grown over the past 10 years and has shown me no growth at all.

To love me is love all of me and to love all of me you would have to know me, and if you know me then you no that I don’t believe in limits and that I am always striving to be more, do more, and get to a point where I’m making money 24/7 but not working 24/7, so why can’t anyone love all of me and love all of me enough to stay.

I lost my mother almost 5 years ago and although she wasn’t an affectionate and loving person while alive, I feel her presence around me now and it is filled with love. I have attributed my anxiety of anyone loving me to the fact that most of my life, actually all of my life, I felt as though my mother didn’t love me for she never was an active participant in the things that mattered most in my life. I actually only remember her showing up for 4 events in entire life that meant something to me and where I requested her presence, and I actually came to terms with it when she didn’t show up for the release of my 3rd novel when I was in my forties. When she found out that she was dying she didn’t even want me to make the 1000 mile trip to see her, but I went anyway and we laughed and talked but never once did she say I love you and that was the last time I ever saw her because she died less than a month later. However, every event that I have needed her presence, reassurance, and love, I feel her for something happens (a piece of fuzz or lint that magically appears to distract me from something unpleasant like IVs or needle pricks for blood draws, or a wave of water coming out of nowhere in the ocean to smack me on the butt to say good job, or rays of light waving to me seemingly saying it’s going to be okay) to let me know that she is there and other people see these things, they just don’t know that it’s my mother making them happen. Now I hear her whispering to me “I do love you girl”, and my anxiety says in return, “Why couldn’t you love me enough to stay?”