Why Dating as a Feminine Lesbian Is so Difficult

It really is...

Why Dating as a Feminine Lesbian Is so Difficult

Ignorance. So Much of it.

Being gay is hard, and being a feminine lesbian is harder. You see, nobody really wants to take us seriously. Men look at us as a challenge, and say, “Well I bet I can change that.” I can assure you, your massive egotistical and misogynistic demeanor will not turn me straight. Or you’re at a party and the bi-curious girl looks at you dumbfounded. “But you’re too pretty to be a lesbian.” Thanks for the backhanded compliment. (Ironically, she’ll try and make out with you later). God forbid you ever dated men in the past, people will just automatically categorize you as “confused” or “just going through a faze.”

Gender Norms

When I first came out of the closet people, liked to make a lot of assumptions. One is that I am automatically assumed as "the woman in the relationship.” News flash, people! We're both women! It’s called lesbianism. I always found it strange that our society has always had to throw gender rolls on everything. If a woman is a homemaker, makes a decent salary, and her husband stays at home to take care of the children, she is automatically assumed as “the man” in the relationship. Why do we, as a society, feel so restrained to fit these gender roles?


For myself personally, I have found that these same gender roles have pressured me into thinking that I need to fit a certain role when it comes to dating. Whenever I dated women in the past, particularly ones that are still in the closet, I always felt obligated to fill a masculine role. By that I mean wearing my Lucky Brand jean jacket every time we're together and try to act tough. Butch credibility, if you will. It’s pretty ridiculous really. As if a jean jacket will make me more masculine. It all loops in a vicious cycle of validation. These past few years since I have came out of the closet, I feel as though I’m constantly in search for validation. If it's not my clothing style, it's my music choice. Gaga is obviously a huge gay icon, rest assured I have all of her music on Spotify, and you will usually find me jamming out to "Born This Way" while I’m working out. I think that this constant state of validation stems back to the ignorant comments we hear when we come out. “Well, you don't look gay.” It’s a small comment like that, that can have such a huge impact.

Testing The Waters

One time, I was getting ready to go out with a friend. We were going to go to a gay bar in Vancouver. I decided I would conduct a social experiment. Dress up super feminine and see if this affects my chances of meeting anyone at the bar. Typically I don't dress up too fancy, but this night I wore a shit tone of flashy jewelry, a full face of makeup with popping eyeshadow, and some glittery heels. Let's just say I stuck out like dog balls by the time we got to the bar. I think everyone just assumed that I was the straight friend, or the bi-curious college girl looking to experiment. I scanned the room, everyone was wearing flannels. (Typical lesbian apparel)

I thought to myself, “Jesus, I really am that straight girl.” I saw a girl wearing a red flannel sitting at a table by herself. After a couple shots, I worked up enough courage to go talk to her. She looked at me bewildered as I approached her. We got talking, and finally she said, “Honestly, I wouldn't have suspected you to be a lesbian.” I felt a little uneasy, but at the same time, I knew that I sort of radiated that negative attention. It’s unfortunate that we can’t wear what we want to when going out without getting criticized. The straight community already gives us enough shit for not looking gay enough. How come our own community has to stigmatize it as well?

I’d like to have a little faith in humanity

In conclusion, it can be very hard being a feminine lesbian. Invalidating one's sexuality can be very detrimental to one's self image and self esteem. It’s a very small factor that makes up an individual, but when you’re young and approaching adulthood, it tends to feel much greater. If one is brave enough to come out and share this part of themselves, It does not give one the right to ridicule or judge. Case closed. I’m tired of having to constantly prove myself, just because it’s too much for their small pea brain to handle. Unfortunately, we live in a society that judges, especially when it comes to the minorities. With this being said, I hope I have been able to shed some light on this topic, and bring a different perspective to those who may have questions or opposing views.

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