Which Partner Gets the Final Say in a Conflict About Money?

If you’ve been in a serious relationship, I’m sure you’ve experienced a conflict about spending money. And I’m not talking about the mammoths like buying a house. Those decisions are a different beast entirely. If you don’t have the money, the decision is made for you automatically.

I’m talking about the smaller mundane decisions. The ones you technically can afford, but somehow turn into an argument every time there are two different opinions. Things like:

Which couch to buy for the living room?

Should we book a hotel or an Airbnb on this trip?

Should I get that expensive pair of shoes?

When it comes to these smaller problems, it’s never really about the money. The root of the conflict is usually something deeper. Something related to your values or principles. It’s just disguised as a more acceptable excuse of “It’s too expensive”.

Let’s face it, whether you book an Airbnb or a hotel, the monetary difference isn’t going to make a dent in your finances. You’re clearly doing well enough to plan a trip in the first place.

But maybe booking an Airbnb isn’t about wanting to save money. Maybe you’re worried that a hotel on your Instagram stories will make you unrelatable to your friends and you’re scared of how the dynamic will shift.

Often, we fail to introspect about our insecurities, and they end up masquerading as a money issue.

So how do we make these decisions?

Some people are of the opinion that the person who earns more should get to decide. Others say that the less spendy partner gets to decide (because they would make the more “responsible” decision?).

My partner and I have found out the hard way that neither of these really works in the long term.

Let me give you an example. Every time our washing machine breaks down, my partner insists on fixing it himself or at least troubleshooting to find the problem.

I, on the other hand, ALWAYS want to call the plumber. I have no faith in our ability to fix the washing machine ourselves (Sorry, babe).

It’s not a money-related decision for either of us, really. We live in India and it’s very cheap to hire a plumber here. Besides, sometimes my partner has done more damage with his experiments and we have ended up paying for the replacement of some part. After one particular adventure, he was inspired to buy himself a full-fledged toolkit.

Sigh. *rolls eyes*

Hiring a plumber would be cheaper if you think about it.

This used to be a huge argument between us in the past.

It took us a hundred discussions to realize what the conflict was really about. My partner is someone who feels the need to be completely independent when it comes to these household jobs. I’ve always known that he loves problem-solving and enjoys the high of fixing something and seeing it work again. But I thought that was just about work at the office.

Turns out, it was a core part of his identity. It applied to all walks of life, including a washing machine breakdown.

I had always assumed that calling the plumber would save us trouble. But in fact, I had been taking away a chance for him to enjoy a challenge at home.

Since then, I’ve been giving him the space to get his hands dirty in such situations, and honestly, it feels like I’m investing more in the relationship by doing that. Things have become considerably smoother after we found out what a washing machine breakdown means to each of us.

How to apply this in other situations

One thumb rule to keep in mind is — it always matters more to one partner.

Always.

Once you look beyond the money, dig deeper and go to the belief system or identity crisis that’s driving the conflict. You’ll realize that it matters a lot more to one partner.

In the case of the washing machine, it was only a matter of convenience for me. But for him, it was a question of giving up his independence. Once we figured that out, it was a no-brainer for me and I took a step back. At that point, it really didn’t matter who was earning or spending more.

Another time, while planning a trip, we had a conflict about transportation. I wanted to rely completely on public transport, and he wanted to rent a car. The cost wasn’t all that different and hardly affected our trip budget.

But when we dug deeper, we started reminiscing about the last time we had rented a car on a trip. It had caused quite a bit of anxiety to find good parking spots wherever we went. And we were constantly terrified of accidentally causing a scratch or a dent.

The reason I was fighting for public transport was that I didn’t want anxiety to put a damper on our trip. He realized that he had no strong reason for wanting the car, he just thought we’d enjoy the drive. The issue clearly mattered more to me, and he decided to let it go and remove the added stress.

Final thought

Arguments about money tend to get pretty ugly sometimes.

It’s not because money is the most important thing. It’s because money is a convenient cover for deeper issues that we are not comfortable talking about.

Learn to uncover these issues with your partner. You will make better decisions over time, and learn to act like a team.