When He Needed More

We all have lessons to learn in life, and that was a hard 7 year lesson, but ready to re-start my life. Get done what I need to get done and that’s helping people, helping people who can’t speak up for themselves, abused men, woman and children, every person who needs my help and positivity, starting with my Home Town, people think living in the US should be great, home of the free, except we can’t openly write about content that is Non-Conforming, Out of the Realm of the Reality We Have Illusioned Ourselves with, I’d rather be me anyday of the week than A Mindless Conformer who has No Personality. I’m that person either You Hate Me or You Love Me No In Between. I know at this stage in life who Iam and What I’m not gonna be, and What I’ve Learned.

This last year has been one of the hardest, I’ve had to face many obstacles, wondering the whole time if I would make it thru it. Here Iam still being Positive, Loving Life, Rebelling when needed to, sometimes I lose it, not everyone is perfect, we all have some Darkness in us and Light. I met the greatest person to me, I looked at him like he was my Great Hope. Sometimes your stuck or you feel stuck in reality it’s up to you to get rid of that Fear and take the first step. If it wasn’t for him, I would have been stuck, he taught me how to live again, how to love, and how to use my emotion and feelings in a caring way. See I thought I was supposed to save him, he has this radiant light demeanor about him, he gave the most healing hugs and healing forehead kisses, I knew I was safe and protected, or I had thought I was. You could feel the passion, love and friendship between us, everyone could feel it. He wasn’t mine and I knew the time was coming soon to say Goodbye, I wished every night that things could be different you could feel him slipping away, our connection was failing, I just knew something was off nothing was off, he had a duty, a job to do we met at the wrong time, different circumstances I think things could have been different.

No one teaches us about that Deep Knowing Connection, you instantly feel at home, like you could just snuggle up and let the world pass you by as long as that love was there, 7 years is a long time to not move forward and just keep going on without a care in the world. Since last August it’s been very hard feeling what I have been feeling, basically losing my mind, you won’t do that over just any guy you only do that when you know, when you know the pain your gonna feel for the rest of your life with him not by your side. You think about what you had, the memories, the talks, the love you shared and it was all just a wonderful part of life I would love to stay in but we all have to wake up and face the next day. I’m done living in the past and who knows about my future, I’ll stay in the here and now, living one day at a time.

See I’ve never been alone my biggest fear is growing old alone, I act like certain things don’t bother me, in reality I’ve had more fears than anyone, I never opened my heart, I just thought sex was love, I was so wrong, it’s that one person you feel that connection with, it’s an Unbreakable Connection, really no way to describe it unless you’ve felt it and lost it. That Pain makes you look at things differently, that pain shakes your whole world up, you look for every excuse, cheating, lying, anything for it to be an excuse on why it’s not your fault. How could you have the best love of your life and lose it. It wasn’t meant to be.

I know someday things won’t be as hard as they are now, now I have no fears which he taught me that, Fear is an attention getting Drama Maker, Live without Fear, Complacency, Contemptment, just live your life freely, and lovingly, then maybe just maybe you’ll realize you’ve been Rich the Whole Time. Your Rich In Family Love, In all the material things you have collected over the years but your always Rich in Memories, see Memories are Ours, the one thing no one can ever take from you, they can take their love, they can take your dignity but None can take the Memories of the Backrubs in the Winter in front of the fireplace, the Drinking Nights you had together, the way he held you when you slept together and wouldn’t let go as if he owned you. It’s easier not to say Goodbye just leave with all the wonderful memories you gave each other, I will cherish these memories for the rest of my life. He gave me his heart fully and I gave him the shell of my heart, It took me til now to realize what love is and the healing power it has, I gave him resentment, hatefulness, a cold heart, not the warm ness he deserved everyone kept telling me I was to good for him, that’s so far from the truth he Is Way To Good for me, He deserves a life of happiness and free will. When it comes down to it me nor his wife know what love is, to us it was a competition wearing everyone down. He’s tired actually exhausted, I just want to be his friend who’s there when he needs someone, to catch him as he falls to help him get back on track. I’ve always thought I was special but I know one thing for sure he is very special to so many people. He has always done for everyone else without expecting anything in return, I’m so glad I met such an amazing, selfless, caring, loving person and now I see the love he needed. It’s to late, his feelings have changed for me, I don’t blame him I wasn’t getting it. I was so selfish I didn’t even get divorced, how would that make anyone feel, I lost and Sabotaged the Greatest Love Of My Life I’ll Ever Know! That’s a very hard lesson to learn.