What To Say To A Friend You Are Having Trouble With

We do what we can for a friend in need. But when there is a situation that alters the friendship, it's hard to tell them something that needs to be addressed.

Friends are a great source of positivity in life, to have someone who will back you up or keep you grounded. Time from time again there might be a heavy reliance they have for you, which makes it harder to try and help them depending on their situations. Especially if they continually vent to you about their problems and never think to ask you about yours.

I've had moments that I was sitting with a friend that continued to vent or banter about anything, I would try to talk, and they would railroad my sentence I was starting. I remember thinking to myself on many occasions that I just wanted to get up and walk away because of how unfair this was, but in the end I always stayed because I just didn't know what to say.

There are two common sides to this that is one way or the other. This friend might have toxic tendencies and they only want what can benefit them, in that case you didn't do anything wrong and you have to make a boundary away from them. On the other side, you could have a friend that you know is a good person, but they aren't aware of how attached they are smothering you in that one instance. I have friends that have never smothered me but had that one moment that they absentmindedly talked about one topic or about themselves for one moment, it's understandable and forgivable as long as it doesn't become an occurrence.

We all fall on first nature habits when we've gotten comfortable to be vulnerable with someone. That's totally OK, it's humbling when a friend can say whatever they want without any restriction on sharing personal details because it's shows how much they trust you.

But if you are going through your own issues to deal with and you need the space to do that. This friend needs to give you some space, and that might be hard to figure out how to vocalize it to them in a delicate way that still maintains the friendship with straining it from the stress. It's not healthy to sit there and listen to someone when you don't have the energy to do so.

You have to think of your own mental health as well and not tackle on their problems on-top of your own. You don't think any less of your friend, but you need to work on yourself and that means having to explain to them that you can't listen to some of their problems. If you need to find a neutral way to say it, I've created some possible ways to say something without being too critical but still getting your point across.

The following situations that I will be discussing are presented from some scenarios I've been through. You are more then welcome to use these snippets in any way that can help you convey what to say. You can take what I've presented as a possible neutral response to say to someone that you just don't know how to carefully convey without sounding critical.

When you have a situation when your friend vents to you and you can't listen to them when you are having a bad mental health day

I've been that friend that someone comes to when they need someone to listen to them about a slew of problems or an occurring one.

But if you have had a situation like mine where you truly care about what's going on in your friend's life but your internal gauge is on empty from the personal problems your going through. I've had far too many occasions I've been ranted to when I don't have any comfort to give when my mental health has my internal gauge on empty, but I tried to force myself to be there for them. It wasn't a good idea for me to stuff my own pain to try and help them or not tell them I had something going on and continued to let them rant when my psyche was in misery.

It's not selfish to tell your friend that you can't listen to them right now, and if they are a real friend then they would understand that you do care. They shouldn't take it personal that you can't listen, and that they should care about what you are going through.

It's Ok to say-

"Hey, I know your going through some hardships right now, I am not doing so good right now and I don't have the energy to help. I'll be glad to listen after I've gotten through my personal problems, I'll tell you later what's been going on. Thanks for understanding."

Something like that would good, to keep it casual and private. Shows that you aren’t ignoring them and you have kept it honest.

When your friend is being unreasonable

It's hard to know how to intervene to give advice or comfort. There are some that are willing to accept the facts and be open to the realistic advice you'll give them, then there are those who choose to not accept the reality.

It's OK to check in on how their problem is doing if they are taking the initiative to deal with their problem. If they just keep telling you what's going on with no sign of owning up to the problem, then it's not your problem that they choose to make it hard on themselves.

If they have an immature way of reacting to anything to refuse the logic they need to know, you may have been the first or fiftieth to say it.

I've had to put up a boundary from certain friends that just won't see logic or reason that I've neutrally explained and I can't continue to listen to the same story told on repeat. I can't push what I've said to them try and help them, it's on their own to find their clarity, they are an individual and have to navigate how this situation will go through.

If they keep coming to me for help that I've already said, I can't offer anything else to commentate or advice, it would be pointless and they will have to be on their own for that one.

"Hey, this has been a topic you've talked about before and I'm sorry that his has been bothering you, but I'd prefer it if we didn't discuss this because I don't know how to help this."

That would be a polite and stern way to convey you care without being too critical or harsh.

I've defiantly been that friend that has unintentionally brought up a topic of mine on numerous occasions without thinking that I have been repeating and droning to the same person.

They might just have to figure it out on their own, you've done all you can do as their friend.

When you can't talk to your friend when you have an ongoing problem with them

It's natural to get irked by something they did unexpectedly, or seeing a side to them that makes you reconsider how much of a friend you had in them. It's hard to sit there and act like everything is OK.

But if that problem begins to fester to alter the way you act around them, it's up to you on how you want to be direct with them. To tell them what they did that made you mad or wait it out to see if the problem dissolves on it's own, it depends on the severity of what happened.

It's up to if you want to be upfront and say what it was they did that made you mad. That might take time to get the right thing to say, personally I have to comprise a message and edit it over the course of a couple weeks or a month.

When it comes to a situation like this, a boundary is dire to have so you don't strain your psyche, they need to keep their distance from you while you work out this problem you have with them.

"Hey, I wanted to honest with you that I can't talk with you for a while. This <insert problem here>, got to me and I can't go on to resume as if everything is normal. It's not the end of our friendship, but I need some time on my own to get over this. But also keep in mind that I would like to talk about this at some point when you have the time."

It has to be accepted that people are weird, they have weird ways of dealing with various situations. Any answer you give them could be taken into consideration or they could still be armed in the situation and can't see reason quite yet.

You could be pleasantly surprised that they carefully understood your answer and respected what you had to say without feeling they were personally attacked.

But if they don't respond rationally to your answer that you made to be completely neutral and open for communication , then the answer has been made for you. If they won't respect what you had to say after you took the time to make it clear and courteous, then you have said all you have had to say.

Don't forget your principals and don't forgo your own power.