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What's the Deal with Open Marriage?

Monogamy vs. Non-monogamous Relationships

By She WritesPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Last weekend, while surfing through Netflix I came across a documentary calledExplained, a new weekly docuseries launched by Vox to explain, hence the name, many things that leave us scratching our heads. The episode I watched was about monogamy and non-monogamous relationships. Right away, my interest was piqued. I was immediately struck by one expert commenter who said, “Monogamy is of a made-up construct, a way to enforce gender roles and social order.” Watching the documentary, I thought to myself, if that is true, then the same assertion could be made about non-monogamous relationships. Likewise, it could also be said that non-monogamous is of a made up construct design to disrupt (rather than enforce) gender roles and social order. Before I even had the chance to fully digest this thought, I was struck by another expert commenter who said, “Monogamy is not natural, it's a choice.” What?! My mouth literally hit the floor.

Naturally, being married, after watching this documentary, I was curious to learn what others thought about open marriage/non-monogamous relationships. My Googling revealed, which was surprising to me, that a large number of people are in, have tried, and even contemplated open marriages. Formally known as consensual non-monogamy, (CNM) is an agreement between partners in a romantic relationship to engage in sexual, romantic, and/or emotional relationships with others. Also known as “polyamory.” In fact, according to a 2014 article from Psychology Today, “At least 9.8 million Americans are in some kind of non-monogamous relationship.” According to a more recent article published in Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, a study in April 2016, found one in five Americans have been in a non-monogamous relationship. The study also found the people who were more likely to report previous engagement in a non-monogamous relationship were "men, people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, but varied with gender and sexual orientation.” It's also worth noting that, according to a research by YouGov, studies show that thirty percent of millennials under 30 revealed that their ideal relationship would be a non-monogamous relationship.

After a quick what the hell moment, I decided that I should keep an open mind. Moreover, I should refrain from judging too fast those who choose the path of non-monogamous relationships. I thought, certainly not all marriages are created equal. Still, I was inclined to agree with one online commenter who said, “Open marriage should not be restricted only to sex. It should also be open to other household responsibilities such as the mortgage, housekeeping, air conditioning, education, clothing, and etc.” Can the church say amen!

The question still remains: why? Some of the couples who wrote about being in an open marriage share similar reasons. Many couples who are in open marriages wrote, they did it because their marriage got stale. Others admit, they were on the verge of a divorce, and it was a way to add spice to their marriage. Oh really? It is true, I know how quickly spice can dry up in a marriage. Having been married for a short time, I'm already wondering where did the romance go? Especially when there are children involved, romance could pretty much be non-existent. But there must be other ways, aside from inviting a third party to explore how to spice up your marriage. In my opinion, aside from selfishness, I really don't get the necessity to bring another person into, one might even say, a relationship that is already fragile and quite possibly in trouble.

I will admit, my views on open marriage are biased at best, and at the very least, culturally ingrained in me. Having said that, I believe polyamorous relationship is just another form of cheating on one's spouse—openly cheating, that is. So, what would compel a married couple, other than to spice up their marriage, to have an open marriage? No one really knows the true answer to this conundrum. Even so, I ask myself, what's the point of getting married, then later decide to have an open marriage? It's well known that marriage is the kind of commitment no one should enter into lightly, because of all its complexities. For me, spicing things up is not enough reason to bring another party to my marriage. One person is enough, thank you very much.

On the whole, my research revealed, while it's questionable to rely on sketchy statistics, and presently, there are no other ways to measure whether or not open marriages work, or are better than monogamous. The only true measure that's for certain is, it's not for everyone. While at the same time, preferable by so many people. As for me, well, let's just say, I don't get down like that. #Monogamy.

Sources:

  • https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201405/how-many-polyamorists-are-there-in-the-us
  • https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675?journalCode=usmt20
  • https://today.yougov.com/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2016/10/03/young-americans-less-wedded-monogamy
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About the Creator

She Writes

I was born to write! I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. My children are my motivators. I have a passion for informing and inspiring others to be their best self! The women that inspire me are powerful beyond measures.💕💕

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