What Is Missing

What is missing from my life right now is the payoff.

I have been working so hard at so many things, and I am missing a green lit project.

While I do not regret leaving my previous job, nor profession, I do miss being surrounded by creative people every day. I report to headless generals now. I miss my daily interactions with Tony, Emmy, Pulitzer, Oscar, and Grammy nominees and winners. And especially the numerous actors, directors, creators, and designers, who I hold as dear to me as family.

I want very few things out of life. I guess when I was surviving adolescence and toying with adulthood (let's face it, I still am), I saw my 52 year old self as a mother and a wife. My parents were two fantastic people, and together they were a great couple, always surrounded by friends. So I sort of wanted what they had, but not if it meant a house in suburban Long Island. I do not think I was destined for that. The lifestyle never appealed to me.

I know a lot of people who have kept at it, made it, and continue to do it. I run into them a lot, usually while I'm at work, and it's pretty embarrassing. I feel as if maybe I have accepted a status quo level of comfort, having taken some chances, but clearly not enough.

I can blame all that I wish on my eleven year relationship with an alcoholic. It was a situation I thought I would walk away from at any time I wished. And here I am, all these years later, wondering how much control I actually had. It doesn't really matter how many other guys I spelled with my pheromonal prowess. The fact is that I am not greater than the co-dependent relationship I was in, which probably clouded my ability to succeed.

But as I continue my work on the "P" project, I know that I am looking at something, which will look priceless lit in green.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

I feel connected to the world and the people around me most times.

I'm funny, and I don't take any of this too seriously. Although I do take this COVID thing very seriously. I know that turns off many of my younger co-workers, but I do not seek health advise nor approval from them. Dr. Fauci is a real guy.

I felt so very connected at camp, all those decades ago. I connect with Venice Beach, California. In Amsterdam, I connected with the vibe of my people, for sure, especially looking out the upper level window at the Ann Frank House.

I know for certain that I embody the the values of my immigrant socialist grandparents. Perhaps this is why I am having a hard time accepting things, especially at work, which I cannot change.

Values

• Family
• Love
• Laughter
• Friendship
• Art
• Freedom
• Expression

Paths

I'm not sure if I'm on the right path. How would I know? Are there signs and billboards to let me know? Or a pinned Google map? An AAA Triptik?

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

What Am I Missing?

I try to spend time exploring inward, instead of letting the world pull me outside myself. I consider the fact that what I might me missing...is myself.

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

("The Road Not Taken," Robert Frost)