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What Is Love? Fate or Stupidity?

How do you know it's really worth it?

By The Travelling MessPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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You. It takes a lot of guts for me to write this. I have been putting it off because it’s something really personal to me and I’m scared of the reactions that this might trigger. Just as I’m writing, I’m overcome with emotions that I don’t know how to describe.

Where did you come from? Was this always your plan? How can you be so selfish? Why did you choose me to destroy? So many questions that go around in my head and go unanswered. I gave everything to you and more. That was my mistake. I should have known better, and all the signs were there but you always got in the way of me thinking clearly. Was I a victim or was I just stupid? How did you get away with it all? Every day, it gets difficult but I remind myself of what you made my life become. Then I realise how lucky I am to have escaped. I think of other people, men and women, who are in my position and I think of how sad it makes me to know that someone out there is in the same position as me. I can’t say I’m still mad at you, but I can’t say I’ve forgiven you either. You and your army of colleagues, friends and acquaintances that you have manipulated into believing this false image of me haunt me in my sleep. So if you’re the victim, then why is it me who wakes up in cold sweats? Why is it me going to all lengths to get away from you and why is it me who has to rebuild what you destroyed in me. I really wonder, was it just me you did it to or is it just the way you are? This is the closest I have come to saying it out loud. And even now just reading the words brings back a thousand bad memories.

You are abusive. Whether you admit it or not, I know what happened. I was there, and I can definitely confirm that you are abusive.

I can’t tell if I want to advocate for other people or if I am selfish enough to share my own frustrations. How dare you strip me of being myself? What gave you the right to decide that being me wasn’t good enough? All of it bothers me. I have my flaws. I have my weaknesses. You took that and ran with it for three years. Three years of my life where I was in your prison. And for what? Your ego? It’s taboo to speak about these hard hitting issues but the fact is, I crumbled inside and only now I realise the damage you did. You never loved me. You just loved my vulnerability.

It’s hard to imagine that I was once that girl you took your anger out on. That I am now that girl. I wish I could articulate it all perfectly but I can’t. It’s all feelings, bitter tastes, fears and tears everything else that comes with it. I can’t put all my thoughts together because I got so used to being made to feel bad for being a real person, that my brain seems to just jam whenever I try and come out with it. It almost feels forced when I try and say how I feel now. You are pure evil. To me, that’s how I will always see you. Everyone makes mistakes, but you seemed to enjoy it more and more each time you found a new way or hurting me. Hurting me and other people was never a mistake, it was your hobby. Behind closed doors, the world we lived in was a cruel and dark place. If I didn’t get out of there alive, the next step was getting out of there dead. You made my world into that. Purposely, knowingly, whole heartedly.

I don’t want sympathy. I tried going down that route but I came to realise that I was just as much of a part of I as you were and I should have left before I did. Admittedly, it was never easy because you had a hold on me by making threats and statements each time I tried. I’m trying to find ways to connect with the person I used to be and part of that is to make amends with what you did to me. My first love turned out to be my worst nightmare. I don’t want revenge, and I don’t want an apology. What I want is for you to never be a part of my life again. I want there to be an open minded society, unlike the one you live in, where it’s not taboo to use heavy words like abuse or coercive control. One where you can’t be allowed to use your lies to build any army who all work towards destroying my life. Yes, destroying. Something you made me scared to admit. I want to talk about it until I fully understand what you did to me. You can be someone else’s problem. You were always so proud of the girls you had lined up as your “contingency”. The replacements you found for me before I even left. I hope one day someone sees you for your true self. One day, I hope you are forced to be honest with yourself. Until then, stay there. Live in your world of lies where you deflect the atrocities you have done onto other people.

Finally, I have freedom of speech. I’m sharing this to be honest with myself, to free my mind of these thoughts that have been trapped in there and to reassure myself that I have the permission to say what I want

You. You tried. You did a great job. But you didn’t quite succeed. I don't know whether I hate you for putting me through it all or if I'm thankful that you spared me from doing more damage.

And still, here we are, lying in your bed together in the aftermath of all this destruction. Lost without each other.

humanity
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