We all know that our long-term life partner plays a very big part in our life as it affects our overall well-being. In the context of marriage, no one wants to divorce when they get married. However, the ever-increasing divorce rate makes us wonder is marriage still workable in this complex world?
Love is a complex thing, as it involves emotion. The ‘chemistry’ is hard to explain — why we get attracted to or just ‘click’ better with some people. Many of us are expected to get married at a certain age to have children. However, few of us are that lucky to meet our ‘best’ match at the presumed suitable age.
Marriage is not about marrying our life’s best match, to be more precise is about marrying the best person we could find in the time when we intend to get married. It’s not about the prettiest or the wealthiest, but the most suitable person at the right time phase in our life.
The relationship is all about timing.
‘The wrong person at the right time, the right person at the wrong time.’ could be the worst thing that happens to one in the relationship. Too bad, this happened to me…
Speaking from my decades of experience and stories around me about marriage, I find that we have to look at a few important factors that determine if your marriage stands the test of time. These factors are the truth of human nature, the reality of this world, and the reality of marriage.
Why do so many marriages fail?
While there are many blissful marriages, there are also no short of ‘bad marriages’. This could be due to these reasons:
1. The foundation of the marriage
Many of us, especially men, get married with the main purpose of having children, rather than because we found someone we love. This has resulted in many infidelities.
Many men have girlfriends or mistresses to fulfill their emotional or desired needs. It also depends on how resolute or faithful the husband is in resisting the temptation in our very open world now.
There is no shortage of women who choose their husbands solely based on their wealth to satisfy their thirst for material things. We all are well aware that no single person can fulfill all our needs or desires.
2. Human nature
This is further complicated by human nature, we are ever-evolving creatures. You may truly love your husband or wife when you get married, but the feelings could change over time, especially when our physical appearance changes so much.
Our likes and perspectives could change over time.
It largely depends on our life partner if they could adjust and catch up with our pace and converge with us. Otherwise, the partnership could diverge and then fall apart.
3. The reality of marriage
Many will realize the real face of marriage could be unpleasant — The finances, the in-laws' relationships, the never-finished house chores, the kids, etc. All these tensions could erode the passion if left unattended.
The passion could be diminished if no conscious efforts to maintain it, especially after the birth of your child.
You may also meet your soulmate after marriage. This will be a delicate moment where you need to decide what values the most to you. Is it your family, children, or the love of your life?
The practical solutions
After taking into all these considerations, 'the one' that has a higher chance of lasting blissful marriage should be:
1. Someone you like quite a lot and whom you enjoy having an intimate moment with i.e. satisfying sex life. If you choose someone that fulfills other requirements i.e wealthy, have a high-flying job, but you do not like him/her that much, likely you will not be happy in long term.
2. Someone that complements your strengths and weaknesses. He/she can team up with you and put you in a stronger position in this world. This will glue both of you together long-term for a practical reason. An example is he is good at finances but poor at socializing, she is good at socializing but poor at finances.
3. Someone that you enjoy spending time with like a friend. This means you have some common interests or shared hobbies. It would be best if both of you can have an intimate conversation, and talk about what is in your heart without fear of offending the other person.
4. Someone that shares the same perspective of life so that there are fewer arguments e.g how you want to live your life, your view on life, etc. It may not be on all aspects but the majority of it especially on finance, children, and your children's education.
5. Someone who is responsible and able to commit. It means this person will stand by you and won't leave you alone in the difficult times in life. Both of you will be ready to make adjustments that deem necessary to keep the union under any circumstances.
If you can find someone that fits all the bills above, bingo! Or if he/she fits most of it, then still okay but try to work on those deficits, marriage is for mature adults only.
A happy and lasting union is the combination of both heart and mind, by making a conscious choice with some emotion attached to it. Lacking in either of these could be a disaster in the long run.
Romance is important, but not everything in this world. We are living in this actual world and cannot cancel out the practical side of it. There are scientific studies showing that romantic feeling is not forever. Hence, romantic attraction kind of love alone could be very fragile and unreliable.
True love conquers everything, is it true? You have to ask yourself when you are faced with adversity, is it strong enough to withstand all the storms that come with it? Life is not a bed of roses all the time. In fact, life comes with many challenges that need a determined heart, a resolute mind and a strong soul to overcome.
Sometimes we may need emotional or financial support from our life partner to make it through. In the face of such difficult times will he or she stand by you and be ready to sacrifice their comforts? Is he or she the kind of person that loves themselves too much to sacrifice for their life partner?
There is nothing wrong to love ourselves but if the degree becomes too high then it would be being selfish. Love can be meaningless if it does not make your world a better place or make you a better person, especially if you are someone that cares about how society sees you.
Life is a more fun journey if you have a suitable life partner to explore together, someone intimate to share your ups and downs in life. You would also have someone to remind you of your dangerous habits such as neglecting your health because they care for you. Research has shown that married people live a longer life span as it offers emotional support hence enhancing the overall wellbeing.
Two Is Better Than One - If You Found The Right One
Best of luck to you!
* Originally published at https ://medium.com
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