What do you want?

What do I want?

What do you want?
Photo by Luis Quintero from Pexels


It is the most precious thing on earth, it dissolves a million hearts, in a single flash of your teeth; a smile. Who can resist it?

I fell in love with Jn and it was way back in high school. She was a sophomore, while I was a freshman.

I loved her more than you can ever know. She devoured all my senses, in ecstasy all those times when I think about her. Although, it was not for five years consecutive. I gave up after having seen her at a mall where I worked before having quit the country.

It was my dad, who left and I came with him with my siblings, on a plane, not knowing exactly what was ahead of us, we boarded. Three of the planes, we had to take, for a life of the unknown, now, I am thinking about my way back.

I was probably about five when I thought that I wanted to become a writer. I used to write everything that I thought. Why? Because I had a traumatic childhood and only in writing, if not screaming, was I able to express my true self.

I have written in every page of paper I saw. I stopped suddenly after having burned some of the diaries, one of the biggest reasons were because I was also really shy to have my works read by others. Although now, I know that this was probably my talent that I have long not been recovered and still waiting to come about.

I tried to forget this emotional self. Only to realize that in astrology, the stars are aligned so perfectly in order to help us grow and become succesful in our pre-selected path.

Some try to inform. When writing, I prefer to express my emotions. After a while, long years of crying, about ten years, I got tired and gave my attention to rather, for emotional people, boring maybe, scientific, mathematical, and logical endeavours.

I limited myself to numbers, but no, budget planning was not a part of that, neither accounting, which is related. I cannot explain further because I do not know these subjects by heart.

I also have been trying to recover my artistic skills, in drawing, painting, basically anything artsy. I wanted to write songs, but the emotions as I have said, were repressed in a variety of ways.

I am also trying to pick up on my entrepreneurial hacks. I used to sell to my cousins. Only now I understand how painful and dull the world system has become. I keep trying anyhow.

I am learning how to stick to things. I seldom do. It is either, I get tired of it or get tired of it. There is a good side to it, which is, I get to try a lot of different other things and mixed them all up and generate a wide expanse of ideas that not everyone has.

They say: the opposite of depression is expression and I was still stuck with my wanting to become a medical doctor idea. And here I am now, writing. Vulnerably.

The opposite is actually happening. I want to be glad about my expression, but there is something in me that is just plain annoyed by this all. Am I never happy? What is real bliss? Is it beyond the clouds and the rainbows?These days I find it hard to smile. I do everytime I talk to people, however, it is not all butterflies.

What is the secret to life like how Buddha and Jesus Christ live? What is beyond this mere earthly experience? Where are the answers? Are they found in our hearts?


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