What Do You Do When Women Around You Blame The Victims?

Recently, a hot topic that has gained lots of interest in my country is the story of how a 22-year-old guy called Anh Ngo who was on Forbes Vietnam's 30 Under 30 list was reported to have had sexual behaviors, specifically non-consensual sexting, toward several 15 to 18-year-old girls. While the sexual misconduct took place years ago, these ladies only filed their reports earlier this month because Anh's presence online was prominent after he became the youngest individual to enter Forbes 30.

Until today, Forbes Vietnam has refused to take him off the list and published an announcement on their Facebook page saying they are carrying out an investigation and the matter "does not seem as serious as portrayed on the Internet", as if they could even investigate.

Anh Ngo, after days of being under pressure, finally voluntarily withdrew his name off the list. However, this action seems to be a "sorry I got caught" situation based on his counter-statement claiming that these girls only reported him now because he had just been awarded for his medical research in France and that this was a "personal attack".

On February 24th 2022, Forbes Vietnam uploaded their final statement on Facebook, saying that:

"After carefully considering every aspect of the matter including the inspirational nature of Forbes' 30 Under 30 list and Anh Ngo's email to Forbes, we have decided to exclude him from the list."

How people around me have been reacting to this matter

The online community is divided into two groups: one protecting the victims and the other questioning the motives behind these ladies' reports.

Some women around me sadly belong to the latter.

It astounded me when the first reaction they had was not feeling disgusted by this man's vulgar words towards the teenagers who were his friends in the same high school. The first thing that came to their minds was questioning if these girls actually green-lit his actions and why they didn't just block the guy if his behaviors offended them.

When I asked them why they would think that, they said they were trying to be critical and look at the issue from a different angle instead of slamming the one being accused.

No. That's your misogyny talking.

It also surprised me how they as women considered this matter to be so black and white.

Not for one second did they imagine how difficult it must have been for these girls, who are the products of an unreceptive and unsympathetic patriarchal society, to cut ties with a well-respected senior who received support from friends, classmates, and teachers without being perceived as "making something out of nothing".

Not for one second did they think back to when they were around 15 and how challenging it was to identify a morally wrong situation had they been put in one.

Not for one second did they stop to wonder how people around them would react had they been the victims. Or how the officials and authorities would handle such a case because while in developed countries like the US, there are laws protecting people from sextortion, overtly sexual text exchange, even without the content of either party, is not yet considered a crime in developing countries like Vietnam.

Source: ActionAid

According to a report by ActionAid in 2015, 87% of women in Vietnam have at least once experienced sexual harassment in public, higher than India, Cambodia, and Bangladesh. This data makes it even harder for me to understand how some women are so quick to blame the receiving side of most sexual misconduct.

Is there a way to change their minds?

People don't change if they are not willing to.

The best thing we can do is to educate ourselves as much as possible on the matter and provide people around us with enough insightful information for them to look at the bigger picture.

I find it also helps to ask people probing questions such as:

"What would you have done if you were in the same situation with one senior from school who has a great reputation or a childhood friend who you have known and loved?"

"What would you do if you come to someone for help but they choose to side with that guy and tell you to suck it up?"

"What do you think your friends and family would react once they heard about your situation?"

Sure, you'll come off as a jerk but at least you gave them something to chew on.

And that's a start.

Victim blaming is never a solution to a problem, though many people have failed to realize that. Sometimes it's strangers online. Other times, it's people you are close with.

I believe standing up for the weak is the right thing to do, even if it means going against people you love. Many people resist change, but once someone starts to be the change, others will follow.

Be that person for your society.