What Coming of Age Films Don’t Know

Coming of age films never get it right.

The teenage experience isn’t a music video, or even the fucking American dream. The shots of us speeding down highways in borrowed cars, the roof off and our hands in the air, screaming joyfully against the wind to Heroes by David Bowie, isn’t what it’s all about.

It's not standing in line at 7/11 at 2 am holding bags of ice cream and Doritos, or the spontaneous road trips and star gazing on the hood with our quirky ‘found family’ group of friends. It’s not the sneaking out wearing our mother’s skirts from the ’80s, with crappy lipstick on, believing we’ll meet the loves of our lives under the strobe lights. It’s not even the crappy milkshakes at the trashy diners at 4 am, when the sun casts saffron and scarlet hues on the windows and onto the peeling seats, and everything in that still morning is calm and beautiful because we have each other and we’re free, right?

But those films don’t tell us about the hours sitting alone, daydreaming until we can’t separate dreams from reality, because it’s easier escaping into our fantasies than dealing with the shit in our lives. Nostalgic for things that haven’t happened yet and that we know will never happen, and the nauseous feeling in our stomachs when we meet our friends—who we aren't sure are our real friends, who might just be convenient company out of proximity. That perpetual tiredness in our bones that doesn’t make sense, because we’re young, right? We should be full of energy.

But the feeling of uncertainty is constant, and our confusion is like a veil over our eyes, and things don’t play out the way cinematic panoramas do.

The truth is, we are lost and we know it, and we don’t know where the exit to this forest is. We are probably afraid to even look for it. We are afraid all the time—afraid of wasting time, afraid of doing something with it, afraid of failing, of disappointing, of being rejected, unaccepted, disliked. Of being a burden, an annoyance, a loser.

We are afraid because we are taught that it is unnatural to be all those things for a time. We are afraid because our lives aren’t aesthetically pleasing A24 coming of age films starring Timothée Chalamet and Saoirse Ronan. We are afraid because we don’t allow ourselves to be afraid, and nobody ever talks about it.

All we ever hear, as teenagers, are adults saying these are the best years of your life. The golden years. The age of fearlessness and belief. The time of foolishness and wonder. And because of these expectations that we get from our parents, from social media, from Netflix shows and films—we start to think: what if that is what this time of my life should be, and it's me that's the strange one?

We start to feel alone because we aren’t living in some YA adaption dream. We don’t talk about it because talking about it makes it more real, and isn’t it easier to just ignore these thoughts and escape into some fanfiction, or when things really get dark, listen to Ribs by Lorde? At least she gets it, right?

And it is easier escaping than dealing with our fears of ‘wasting our teenage years’ and the guilt that comes with it. The constant and underlying FOMO that haunts us all throughout school and afterward, in college and at house parties and our jobs. It’s easy to get swept away in self-pity and resentment, angry at yourself and the world for not being what everyone has been telling you it is.

The thing is: Millennials are instilled to have the most rise-and-grind work ethic. If we do any lesser, we are called lazy, useless, incompetent, and spoiled. We have been told by adults that if we don’t achieve something, if we don’t have a dream, if we don’t work hard for it, our whole existence is basically meaningless.

And these 'coming of age' films don’t help. They tell us that if we aren’t the quirky ’main character’ in our story, the ‘manic pixie dream girl’ or even ‘not like other girls’—then our whole existence is bland and unimportant. And we feel like this because we compare our real lives to these romanticized ideals that have become the ultimate fantasy.

But what we need to realize is that this isn’t Skins or Euphoria. The real world isn’t a coming of age film and Rainbow Rowell didn’t write the script. It is okay to have romantic idealisms, but don’t let those ideals become expectations, because it will only lead to disappointment.

Life is full of long, bleak moments; uneventful weeks or months; failed romances; times where you sleep 10 hours a day and binge watch Netflix; times where you can’t bring yourself to leave your bed; times where you fail and succeed; times where you will have to try again or restart the whole thing; times where you will be rejected and disappointed and let down. But that is what life is: an amalgamation of human experiences and emotions.

Just because your life doesn’t follow the format of the ‘ideal teen experience’, doesn’t make yours any less valid. It’s okay to not achieve something. It’s okay to not have a dream. It’s okay to figure out things in your own time and at your own pace. You don’t owe anybody anything; not your life, your time, or your energy. You only owe yourself your happiness. That’s all.

And it may drive us crazy getting old. But, after all, it’s only time. And these years are ours. So do what you need to do, and whatever you choose, enjoy it. And don’t regret a thing.