Wash Away

by Ashlee :) about a year ago in breakups

A Decision for Me

Wash Away

It feels like my heart is tearing into a million little pieces that will be rinsed away by my tears. There is no stopping it, they flow from my face like those hateful words you spewed at me. I knew this would happen again, I knew you had not really changed. But I believed that lie you forced out of your throat, promising to change, promising to treat me better. But the truth is you never really wanted to change. You wanted to see the hurt in my eyes. You wanted to see what it was like for the light to slowly begin to drain out of my eye. You wanted to become the thing I loved and hated the most. You made it impossible for me to want to leave, dragging me in with sweet words after pulling me out of the hole you threw me in. I think of all the best days we had in this moment. This moment where I should call you and tell you we need to talk. But instead my memory goes back to the times I laughed until I cried, when I felt completely safe in your arms, when I was completely okay with only seeing you. My brain shoves back the memories of all the times you made me feel like I was nothing more than the dirt beneath your shoes. All times you've called me names with a smile on your face like it was all a joke, but your eye told a whole other story. There was always a fear in me. A fear that I would say something, something so small, that would send you away from me. Send you to a dark place to completely ignore me and no matter how many times I would say it, you still wouldn't believe I was sorry. I was always sorry, always apologizing for something I had done after you had hurt me. The number of times you hurt me can't fit in my hand, and I had even tried to escape once, after an especially eye opening experience. I told you I didn't want to hurt like that ever again and I didn't believe you when you said it wouldn't happen again. You came back a few days later, immense apology in hand, and it broke me all over again. I felt responsible for your pain, completely ignore the part of my heart you had ripped out. I let myself fall back into you, and now I'm here again, angry at myself for letting this happen again and angry at you for not being a better person. There is only one option that will result in my health increasing, but it's going to hurt like hell. The range of emotions you give me is enormous, the highs keep me coming back, but the lows break me every time. My brain knows what to do, and my heart feels it right too, but every fiber in my body wants you to hold me again, for you to become the person you said you would for me. But that hasn't happened yet, so why would it happen now. Eventually the tears will wash away the pain, and I will be a part of myself again.

It is time to work on me, instead of working to fix you to become better for me. It is time for me to pull myself back together, taping the pieces into a resemblance of me until they become themselves again. I do not blame you for this. This is who you are. While who you are could be a lot better, it is my fault for falling into your trap. Your net of lies promising to catch me if I fall. You have a piece of me, and I wish I could take it back, but you shattered it long ago, washing down your drain. It hurts. It always will when I look back on it, but it is time to become me again.

breakups
Ashlee :)
Ashlee :)
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Ashlee :)

I'm interested in too many things. Think of this as my brain dump.

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