Walking with a weight on our backs

We're back to where we were in March. Rising cases, TV briefings, and growing unease.

But we're not exactly back to where we were in March.

In March, we had a government-mandated lockdown that meant - whatever we thought, however we felt - we knew the exact path we had to tread.

We stayed at home, we protected the NHS, we saved lives.

Now, as the temperature drops and the leaves start to fall, acting for the benefit of others is left to our discretion.

You can't mandate empathy

But in March, it was done indirectly.

We were made to care for others even if it wasn't in our nature. Even if it wasn't the direction in which we wanted to travel. The choice was taken out of our hands for the good of the collective, not the individual.

Our next steps were clear and they were easy to take - stay at home as much as possible and avoid social contact.

Whether we wanted to go on holiday, go to the pub, go to a friend's house... We couldn't.

It was difficult. It was crap. It was necessary. It was right.

Now, the circumstances are the same but our next steps and their direction are unclear. The risk is as great as ever but we are free to move and live as if it wasn't. We are left to stumble forward, torn between keeping our communities alive and literally keeping our communities alive.

Support the economy.

5,903 new cases on 5 April.

Get back to the office.

6,178 new cases on 23 September.

Live in the new normal.

Data taken from 'Cases by date reported, by nation ' panel of COVID-19 Dashboard

The weight of our choices

Every choice we make - to go to a cafe, to do a food shop, to see a friend - comes with incalculable potential consequences.

- Getting infected.

- Being asymptomatic and infecting others.

- Coming into contact with a carrier and having to self-isolate.

- Everyone we are in contact with - loved ones and strangers alike - having to self-isolate.

- Everyone who all of those people come into contact with having to self-isolate, as well.

We can't make choicesthat are based only on what's best for us, no matter how much we might want to. We are too connected, too close, to make choices that exist in such a vacuum.

Every choice we make impacts more people than we can think of in a moment. Our actions have consequences beyond our sight and it is our duty to carry this weight with every uncharted step we take.

But, this time, there is no edict of empathy that takes this cognitive load out of our hands. There is no decision made for us.

The possible damage that we can cause to ourselves and others at a given moment is our personal responsibility.

The weight of our experience

All of this with 40,000 deaths weighing on us.

Our family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, strangers.

We have spent no more than a minute in national mourning (for <1% of the dead).

We put on smiles (and shirts) for Zoom calls and chat blithely about a new normal.

But every day is a new abnormal, clouded by the dust of blind steps we take in good faith around the bodies of another dozen dead overnight.

The emotional labour required to navigate any given day, the intensity of what is being asked of us, is nothing like before.

This is not lockdown part two, this is not an easy return to something we've done already. This is emotional marathon running.

One foot in front of the other has never felt so tiring.