Upon Hearing

Overheard in class: "If you rub your hands together, they might smell like grapes."

In the cafeteria: 1. "We never learned about sex in Health." 2. "Yeah, but we did a lot of drugs in Chemistry."

At lunch: "You can never fail with your imagination."

About high school: "It doesn't matter if you don't make it, as long as we have fun trying and failing."

In English class: 1. "She almost described it like a huge cottage." 2. "... made of cheese?"

In English: 1. "How did Beowolf kill Grendel?" 2. "I'm not sure" 1. "Just take a stab at it."

With siblings: "Your nose flares like 70's pants."

About religion: 1. "Why is alcohol illegal and not marijuana?" 2. "Because Jesus didn't turn water into weed"

With friends: "You sound like a gay Hungarian bar-maid"

In the kitchen: 1. "How do you know what a short loin is, you're not a butcher." 2. "No, I'm not, but my Grandpa was a mortician."

On heaven: "I can't wait to go to heaven so I don't have to wear pants."

During a car ride: "I smell like armpits even though I left them in Kansas."

During a care ride: "Let's play 'Who Looks like a Hobo?', Oh, wait, I won."

Compliments: "Your aura, it simply radiates off of you into a little biome of its' own."

In class: "It's a good thing we are sitting in the back; we can pick our wedgies all day long."

About life: 1. "I feel like I'm in a Lifetime Show." 2. "You are in a Lifetime Show, it's called life."

In college: 1. "I can't have sex until I'm 21." 2. "And I can't give blood because I have malaria, but we all break our own rules."

Acting class: "Think of a celebrity that you want to be, such as Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, or Clara Barton."

On hygiene: "Every time I shower I clean out my belly button. If you don't do it once a week like dryer lint, all of the sudden you'll have a sweater growing out of you."

On science fiction: "Yoda doesn't say YOLO, he says, OOYL: Only Once You Live"

Auditions: 1. "He could totally audition for the leprechaun mascot for Notre Dame." 2. "He could also audition for Finnegan's Rainbow, but you don't see him doing that, do you."

Visiting in the hospital: "I will slap you with my cathater if you get me another Jell-O"

On looks: "Choose a career that requires a beard like a sailor, a submarine diver, or a dwarf".

On hair: "I'll even name a couple of famous gingers: Lucy, Malcom X, Molly Ringwald, Jesus, and Lassie."

In freshman year: "Ope, it's my Mom texting me making sure I'm still wiping my butt."

In Improv class: 1. "Bark twice if you're in Milwakee." 2. "I barked four times." 1. "I don't know what that means, are you in Bangkok?."

In religion class: "What is the Book of Revelations? Did John the Baptist have a bad day?"

At a bar: "When you have rum and coke, you can call it 'roke', or..... wait nevermind."

On nicknames: 1. "Peggy is a nickname for Margaret." 2. "So her real name is Pargaret?"

On talent: "If I could sing like anyone in the world, I would choose Fat Boy Slim."

On hygiene: 1. "Do you have a pad?" 2. "No, but I have a Swiffer, and that's basically the same thing."

On history: "I was a small child for a majority of my life."

On sexuality: "I'm asexual so that means that I'm basically just going to eat enough food and then reproduce, I want to rewrite the rules of osmosis."

At a bar: 1. “Honestly, I’m a Taurus so does that mean I’m a bar person?” 2. “Um… no. Absolutely not.”

Sitting at a Starbucks: “Personally I like talking to a woman who is invested in investments.”

Uber driver: “And then her head got chopped clean off!”

On the subway: “Yeah we was in science class and the man used a thermoposcope.”

Uber driver: “When you get married, make sure he brings you pepper and salt with cheese.”

On the subway: “The sex definitely was easier after I had more children and the older I got.”

My high school friend: “I can run into a burning building and get into a gun fight, but I’m scared of mold, jellyfish, and divorce.”

On the street: “If every day was tomorrow, I’d live.”

At Barnes and Noble: “Some memes just don’t hold any weight.”

Talking about a play: “His father was a bootsmith and his mother ….had a knife.”

Discussing road trips: “I mean if I saw a pile of cow shit on the side of the road, I would probably shit right next to it and my shit wouldn't be a problem.”

In class: “You never try until you try.”

In the cafeteria: 1. “That's where they got the name of the color. Tangerines? Tangerine. Orange? Orange." 2. “Cantaloupe? Nobody knows because it has a peel.”

About vacations: "Can I drive a white car after Labor Day?”

In the store: 1. “My grandfather bought a Lincoln.” 2. “Is it because he remembered him?”

Upon sexuality: “I was a Boy Scout until I was 15. And I've been scouting for boys ever since.”

Upon mechanics: 1. “How do airplanes use aircraft cables?” 2. “They rig the planes” 1. “To…. The sun?”

Upon shower thoughts: “I don't really do anything in the shower except for marinate.”

About Life: “The safari of life has many expeditions for a Danish like me.”

In class: 1. “How do you spell spontaneous?” 2. “S... P... ontaneous.”

On the train: “I hate pickles, stovetop stuffing makes me depressed, and I will punch you straight in the teeth if you make me me ham.”

Walking home from a bar: “I'm so cold my legs aren't hairy enough for this.”

Partner sleeptalking: “We are missing 15 people on this flight. Do you think they can breakdance to get on the flight? Does this look like breakdancing?”

At a craft store: “Your husband better have bought you yarn before he was allowed to touch your vagina.”

On motivation: "If you don't.. nevermind, you will."

Partner sleeptalking: "You're in the middle of the intersection; you need to move. The man behind you is waiting."

On tattoos: 1. "I don't have tattoos because you wouldn't put bumper stickers on a Mercedes." 2. "I consider myself a well-traveled Subaru."

1. "Please wake up, you're snoring". Partner sleeptalking: "It's pronounced Hungarian."