Unsure: The verdict is still out

Unsure - The verdict is still out

Un-Experiment - Post #3

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I recently had a birthday and am now firmly closer to fifty than forty-five, and I'm unsure how I feel about it. My first reaction is ICK! I don't want to get any older. I don't want to be in my fifties sooner rather than later.

Anybody else? Just me?

I think my sweet spot was my mid-thirties. Not as clueless and lacking in judgement as my twenties, but still feeling on the younger side. No weird aches and pains, more energy. My kids took up the same amount of effort, yet there was an innocence to their age. I miss it.

Reaching forty really hit me. It's so crazy to me to feel young in my mind and at heart, but not look it anymore. I'm not sure how it is for men (and I don't want to assume), but aging for women doesn't just come with changes in outward appearances, like graying hair, wrinkles, thinning eyebrows, age spots and more. It comes with stupid menopause and perimenopause (that's a whole other post though). And emotions, so many emotions.

I try to convince myself I'm wiser than I was twenty years ago, even ten. I've got so much more experience now. I know it should feel like a blessing to have made it this far in life. I should cherish each day as a gift, and some days that is exactly how I feel.

I feel amazed that I've made it this far in life. Grateful I have a loving husband, four beautiful children and a sweet fur-baby. Appreciative of the home we have and the breath-taking view that greets me each morning. Joy in being able to brush off some of the expectations from when I was younger. A freedom to pursue more of my own interests now that my kids are older.

But all I can seem to notice lately is how much closer I am to losing things. My babies growing up and moving on with their lives. My confidence in my physical self waning. The part of me that whispers softly that it's too late to try new things, weighs me down. The shame of not having achieved more.

It's disconcerting with each new birthday to know that I am more than likely half way through my life span. My father-in-law always jokes at each family member's birthday, including his own, that they're half way to the next number. When I was 33, that was kind of funny because I was half way to 66. But now that I'm 48, being halfway to 96 seems depressing, because I probably won't live to see it.

People often talk about going through a mid-life crisis, and I can completely identify now. It's a real thing. A battle within yourself. It's a delicate balance to appreciate your age but also accept the reality of aging without always looking back.

I have not figured out how to do that yet. I feel like I'm on a seesaw. It's probably hormones, because you know, the season for women that shall not be named, but whatever it is, I'm not really a fan so far.

One day, I'm embracing wrinkles and a stray gray hair, and the next I'm researching serums for aging skin. The next day, I'm thinking I'm so sick of driving a van and want a new look, but the one after that, I'm holding onto it tightly because it represents so much from the days when my kids were little.

Is it ok to not know how I'll be feeling from one day to the next? I sure hope so.

I guess I'll just take one day at a time, riding my seesaw with as much grace and self-love that I can until I figure it out. And I hope if there's anyone out there struggling with this along with me, that you know you're not alone.

We can compare our age spots ;)

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Here's Post #2: