Unrequited Farewell

I am so pissed off. I feel used. I am literally bruised. 

I was so frustrated with you before you got here, but as soon as I got in the van, all of those feelings floated away. Your smile made me dismiss the prior pain. Give you yet another dose of grace. 

You ask me over and over what I’m thinking. I used to just tell you. My thoughts would flow easily because you were safe to me. I would often ask what was on your mind. You would usually tell me, “nothing.” I had convinced myself that you just weren’t comfortable being vulnerable with me yet. But, maybe you were telling the truth. Maybe you really didn’t have any thoughts about me. That story lines up a lot more with your actions than the fairytale I would rather believe. On occasion, you would have more than “nothing” to say. You would give me a romantic morsel that I somehow tried to turn into a feast to live on. It’s no wonder I’ve felt like I’ve been in survival mode for the past year. A real connection needs more than crumbs.

Tonight it was different. The disconnect was wider. It was almost as if I was ok with the distance. I had at least come to expect it. 

I feel used, but maybe I used you too. I wonder if we wanted physical connection with each other, or if anyone else would do. As you slept next to me, I tried not to disturb you. To let you rest for the week ahead, while I laid there wondering if you pulled away because of what I said. 

As we were packing up, getting ready to head out before the sun rose, I felt wanted. After all, you invited me to come along. To join you, I only needed two things. I had one. “It’s not worth the risk,” you said. “I’m planning to come back. Hopefully I’ll see you in a bit.” I held on to that hope. It felt more reliable this time, so I walked away with no goodbye. I thought it was a blessing in disguise. Now I could properly pack for the unknown trip ahead, but I avoided rest to make sure I was awake when you returned. 

The only thing that returned today was that familiar feeling. The one that grows as more time passes. The one I try to explain away. Four hours traipsed by and I realized there was information I didn’t know I needed, that I didn’t get. Did the plan change? Did I misunderstand the timeframe of when you were planning to come back. I thought it would be a sun rise return. Instead I watched the morning sunlight cascade through the blinds as my heart began to accept that it was happening again. One text. One call. Not even the faint echo of a reply. 

Fifteen years of “what if” is a lot to let go of. If I’m honest with myself though, I can see that the path I have chosen to walk is not one you have found yet. Our paths may never cross in a way that lets us walk together side by side. I have to grieve that loss today. More than that, I have to grieve the pain that I let in by giving you my heart before you asked or earned it. I have come to understand that living for more means that I have to find others that are doing the same. While it’s not easy, my sweet heart deserves it. I will not settle for anything less.