Unofficially Titled

Dear Person

Welcome to the world, I understand it’s your first time here so let me tell you what the deal is in a nutshell:

Your name is Nadia, a universal and uncommonly common name. As you get older and meet people from different walks of life, they will tell you how beautiful your name is and many different meanings to it:

● The first, the beginning

● Caller, announcer

● The cool breeze on a hot summer’s day

● Morning Dew

● Hope

It doesn’t matter where any of the definitions are derived from because Nadia, you are of the earth. The soil of every land is in every fibre your being…. You’ve felt this since the day you were born but, be prepared as the world won’t always let you believe it

By heritage you are Pakistani and by Nationality, you are British. You won’t know what this really means for many years but you will learn ….

There are many topics we need to cover but we’re only covering one today and that is ….

Dear Nadia

For a while, you won’t have a voice to speak up for yourself in times of injustice. You will be too young to understand you were being racially abused or even what racial abuse is. You won’t know you’ll experience micro-aggressions, you won’t know what micro-aggressions are either… For the most part, you will only have you for a witness and even when there are other witnesses, you will still only have you.

Children will use racist slurs against you, they’ll call you or your family ‘curry munchers’ and ‘curry monsters’ “ugh, I bet her house smells of curry”, they’ll say it’s not racist, just a joke “can’t you take a joke” “you’re so sensitive”. Teachers will tell you “stop being silly” or “stop overreacting”. They’ll tell you, “well, I asked (insert name here) and they said they didn’t say anything!” Case closed, hey.

*I’m sorry to tell you, it’s necessary to use ‘insert name here’ as there will be many names to insert and many incidences, I’m also sorry to tell you this is the nicer stuff…*

Teachers will treat you differently, you will put your hand up for help and be ignored, you will ask a question and be dismissed or scoffed at and every other white kid in the room could ask the same question and it will be answered with kindness and caring. There’s not really a uniform rule at this point but a teacher will approach and say “your traditional clothes are… *screws face*, they’re… you shouldn’t wear them for school, you should dress smart like the other children”.

The white kids won’t play with you because you’re not like them and the Pakistani kids won’t play with you because somehow, you’re not like them either. In years to come, you will realise that what you had experienced was not only racism and micro-aggressions, but also colourism. Too brown for the white kids, too light skinned a freckly for the brown kids.

Right, that’s primary school out the way. I’m gonna lump the rest of the years together because it all becomes a bit of a blur. Although I may elaborate on a couple of stories … You’ll realise why.

Through secondary school, college, work (in many different sectors including hair, education and CAMHS) and just… anywhere really, you’ll hear things like:

“Go home Paki, you don’t belong here”

“Go back to your own country”

“You’re alright for one of them” or “I didn’t realise you were one of them”

“But you don’t look like one”

“How can you even be British if you’re Pakistani?”

“How come you have got an accent?”

“I’m not being racist but…” (You know, those 5 words that usually precede a racist comment)

“You’re not like the other ones”

“Nah, I can’t be racist because my dad’s, uncle’s, wife’s, cousin’s, brother’s hamster is a Paki” (OK, I overstretched with the hamster, but it isn’t far off)

“You’re pretty for a…. for an Indian”

“I’ve never dated an Asian before. I’ve fantasized about how exotic it would be”

“What are you?” … This one will evolve into “Where you from” (one day… People with a modicum of decency will ask “May I ask what you’re heritage/ethnicity is”) (Hurray for small miracles)

You’ll also get the real, absolutely special, dumbfuckery stuff…

“Ugh, Indians! She’s Indian, go back to your own country, paki”

“Where’s the rest of your blackie family?”

“Are you Taliban?”

“is your dad a rag head?”

“Are you half-caste?”

“You lot are terrorists you muzzos are”

“The only people that can fix terrorism is them fucking Muslims”

You’re a barber, you invite the next customer over, do your usual welcome, gown up, what you having done, are you ok? Blah, blah. He will proceed to tell you how he wants his hair and his conversation starter will be “I went to West Brom this morning and it was filled with nothing but Asians and pakis”. You will say “I beg your pardon” he will repeat his exact statement verbatim. You will ask him if he realises that Pakistanis are Asian and Asia is a continent and then ask what exactly he thinks your heritage is. He’ll go a certain shade of red, his face and body language do not show shame or remorse… They show fear in case you decide to fuck his hair up. I’ll ask him politely to get out of my chair, the manager will say “No Nadia, you need to finish his hair!” you will contest but to no avail. You finish his hair, your manager will say “It doesn’t matter, he’s old (he was in his 50s) and you need to stop being so sensitive” I state that I shan’t be cutting his hair again but the next time he comes in, she doesn’t move to cut his hair… She makes you do it again and again! She will also exploit you in other ways but these are stories for another time.

2015 – CAMHS an 18 year old says “When I was pregnant I got paki nipples” (Whatever the hell that means) – Manager and other staff say nothing. You look at the girl with a raised eyebrow… She’ll put her head down; everyone will walk out the room like nothing happened.

2017, you are 30 years old, you work in an early intervention service, and one main focus of this service for staff, colleagues and service users is Equality and Diversity and BAME communities. (I mention this so you can see the irony in the story.) You will be booked to do outdoor residential programmes on a particular day and your line manager (who by trade is a teacher) is having a cow because they don’t want to be on an interview panel with the project manager. This person has claimed to also be your friend before now. (In councils you have to have completed the unconscious bias training in order to be on an interview panel, you have not completed this training with this council and therefore, none of your scoring or comments would count). Your line manager will tell you they want you on the panel with them, you’ll tell them, you’d rather be doing the meaningful stuff you were already set to do. They tell you “hang on, she’ll lap this up”, proceed to make make a phone call and then come back to you and say, I knew she would, you’re on the panel with me now, you’re our token brown person. After the initial shock of what’s been said by your line manager you reiterate that you would prefer to be doing meaningful work, you remind them that you have not completed the unconscious bias training but more importantly, do not wish to be a token anything, especially as none of your scoring or comments will count…. “Well, I’m your line manager and I want you on the panel so you’re going to be on the panel. You’re going to be with me though, how fun”… Where do you turn to when not only your senior, but their senior feel it’s ok to use you as a token brown piece?

2019 – Education: “Well, I don’t care, if someone pisses me off I’ll be calling them all the pakis and black bastards under the sun… you’re still gonna help my son get back into school aren’t you”

*We interrupt this broadcast for a live update*. It is 20:19 on 09/06/2020. For the last week I have spent a vast majority of my time sharing news, stories, education and love to all the kind and wholesome people in the world. Today, at this moment I am low and drained from reading countless racially abusive, ignorant and derogatory comments on lots of different posts and pages. The amount of racist, prejudice and discriminatory people that have crawled out of the woodwork is PHENOMENAL! On all of the other days, I’ve laughed at some, scowled at some and responded to others. Right here, right now… I don’t have that fight in me. Right here, right now, I have more hurt and pent up rage. Sadness and heartache too as when… when does the world stop being so cruel and callous? When will people stop being ignorant? When will people stop being so hateful? When will people understand that we aren’t here to be against each other… That all we want is to unite, to live together and welcome and care for each other and be kind and show love be treated fairly and equally… Tonight is a hurtful one…

Although I could go on and on, I’m gonna give you just one more:

It’s 2020, you’re 33 and working for a Domestic Abuse service. Now I know what you’re thinking: how can people still be so dumb in this year and how can you still be experiencing this type of stuff at this big age….

Anyways… Due to Covid 19 you are working remotely in a new job and service. You can’t have face to face contact yet however; you make sure you call parents of the kids you’ll be working with, weekly. You are discussing a particular child with a parent; she proceeds to tell you she feels her eldest soon might be racist. You’re slightly taken aback and ask her what this looks like. She starts by saying she thinks he’s got it from South Park and friends but he spends a lot of time saying things about n*****s and Jews and pakis and that he’s annoyed that she had babies with an Albanian and not a white man, he wants white siblings, not mixed ones. You ask if she challenges this, she says “but how can I, he’s 15, so he’s grown now, I can’t tell him can I” Dumbfound, You tell her, as a woman of colour, this offends you and that she needs to start challenging it now and that you will be challenging it when the time comes too. She responds by saying “Oh, I didn’t realise you weren’t white, don’t worry though, I don’t think he’d ever say anything to your face” ……………………………………. Long, deep sigh. This is by no means an exhaustive list and there’s plenty more context but we’d be here forever if gave anymore detail. It’s already 5743 pages long so that’s enough of the anecdotes!

Dear Readers

You may be wondering why I wrote my piece in third person, I asked myself the same question and concluded that I needed to remove myself from it in order to not become overwhelmed and stuck.

How many of you reading this can relate? How many of have felt like you had to roll with the punches because you were told everything these people were saying was a joke or “I didn’t mean it like that” that’s just the way they speak or because their other friends allow them to be this type of disrespectful. How many have told you “It’s not even offensive” like they have a right to tell you what is or isn’t offensive to you. How many of you are sick and tired of the really disingenuous apologies? How many of you have felt the odds were stacked against you and no matter how much you fought you would be the one that comes out looking bad as these type of people stick together.

There were times, when I was young that I wished that I was white. I wished that I would be picked for plays and would be acknowledged and built up and everything else that seemed to come to white people so easily. I hated myself for not ‘fitting in’ and hated myself more for wanting to be like them. Don’t worry, those feelings of wanting to be something I’m not left me a long time ago but it doesn’t take away the hurt.

Again, how many of you reading this can relate. How many allies reading this have seen or heard any of these types of things? I know we have many allies and in times when I haven’t had the energy or strength to fight particular battles, one of my allies has…. I am grateful for you! There has been too many times where I have let things slide, where I’ve questioned whether I really am being too sensitive or am pulling the race card. Whether things said are just a joke, if I should be offended and confused about my actual feelings of being hurt but feeling like I should play along. I have to work out what’s a mistake, what’s deliberate, who just needs a bit of education and who need to be cut the hell off.

I’m at a point in life where I have to check the ‘prefer not to say’ boxes for ethnicity and religion when it comes to applying for jobs or anything else? I mean, my first name can sound very English but my last name gives me away (Sorry, I’m not ready to give my last name right now). You’re either not shortlisted because they don’t want any brown, or have already met their quota for brown employees or they need a token brown person. I’ve been that enough times thank you very much, never again though! I'm good at what I do, in each field I've been in, I've excelled, the colour of my skin and my heritage does not define my intelligence or even hinder any of my abilities.

To all those 'professionals' I've encountered, when we speak on the phone, stop giving me that shocked 'Oh wow, I didn't realise she was brown' face when we meet for the first time. I can see right through it!

Despite my last name only being 4 letters and 2 syllables, people pronounce it wrong, that’s fine, I can handle mispronunciation but for those of you that have made random noises and laughed when trying to pronounce it or say “forget it, it’s not important” Fuck you! It is important! My heritage, my life, my brownness, my name my culture, my everything is important! It’s so important and don’t you forget it!

I have walked into places with white friends; people have turned their gazes in my direction and try really hard not to keep giving those “what’s she doing with them/what’s she doing coming here” looks. I used to think I should leave but I learned how to ignore it and carry on about my business. I have been on my own in areas that I haven’t realised are white populated until I’m trying to be served and am met with cold, rude and disrespectful unwelcomes. How are we in a world where people can’t just go where they want no matter the colour of their skin? I once babysat the daughter of one of my white friends, I took her out, we sat on the bus and people stared and whispered….. What is this world, please?!

Dear my South Asian People

Check yourselves! Do not think you are innocent! No more of this colourism or prejudice. Stop walking around with your self-righteous noses in the air, stop being oppressive in your words and actions. Love more, build people up more, remember that beauty comes in ALL shades. Stop being shitty to people with darker skin than you because you think dark is inferior. Conversely, stop being shitty to people with lighter skin than you because your jealous of it.

It was never OK for you to compare the shade of my skin to my sister's or your own kids or anyone else for that matter. Just think of the amount of damage you've caused people that they don't or can't bring themselves to speak about. How many of our darker sisters have gone through the skin bleaching processes or hate on the people that you keep comparing them too. Imagine how many relationships you have broken down by being this kind of bad mind.

Go work on yourselves, work hard and stop projecting your self-hatred onto other people just to try and make yourselves feel better or even because you just think you're better. We’re not here for your bull anymore either!

Dear World

No more! We are done. We’re here to claim back the power of all of our people far and wide. No more blind eyes, no more other cheeks. We will continue to educate and be around people that want to know more and do better. We will work on educating ourselves better too. We refuse to give up; the time has come for systemic change. It’s going to be a long and drawn out battle but we’re ready for our breaks and self-care moments in between and we are here for it!

We’re here to stand with the world and stand up for the world and for what is right. We’re here to protect and nurture and love and spread peace and kindness. We will not let this cruel world hold us down.

We will no longer be ignored or dismissed or feel shame for being offended by offensive comments despite the fancy clothes they’re dressed in.

We can do better

We can be better

We can be stronger

We can love harder

We can stand taller

My Name is Nadia, I am a British Pakistani. I am of the earth. The soil of every land is in every fibre of my being!

Love always