Unloved, Misunderstood, and Alone

Transparency and vulnerability are normally paired together and instill a gut-wrenching pain in my stomach whenever they are uttered. Even as I type, I feel the sting that those two words inflict on me. However, that same gut-wrenching feeling can be the biggest obstacle to breaking free of the cycle. To explain this, I will pin-point the biggest lies that I believed about myself.

I am going to be honest, well as honest as I will allow myself to be as I explain these lies that held my heart. The lies that I allowed to define me for years, until one day when I was at my lowest, I made a conscious decision that I was going to take my life back and be in control.

1. The lie: I am unlovable

The truth: My worth is not found in human beings

This feeling started when I was young. Whether they meant to or not, my parents had a conditional type of love. When I was good, contributed to the family or conversation, or when I received an honor of some kind, I felt loved. I felt their pride. I felt worthy to be their child. This changed instantly if I left a towel on the counter or if I forgot to vacuum one small area of the living room. Whenever I made a mistake as a child or got something wrong, I was immediately a disappointment. A failure. An idiot. This would either end in being yelled at or spanked with a belt. Fear was a constant in my mind along with the earnest spirit to win back their love and be worthy once again.

This feeling continued in my personal relationships. I wanted to find a boy (no, not a man, but a boy) to please. I wanted to find someone that I could be worthy of. Someone to fill that void in my heart and make me feel loved. This, however, is not the purpose and should not be the purpose to get into a relationship. But I just wanted to feel loved and so I got into a relationship with the first boy to give me that. Cue the stereotypical toxic relationship. I went into it with unrealistic expectations and placed the definition of myself onto another person. 4 years. 4 years of on-again, off-again. 4 years of thinking I needed to try harder for him to truly love me. 4 years of not being myself for fear of him leaving me. 4 years of him telling me that he was going to break up with me anyway in the end. 4 years of trying my best for that not to happen. 4 years of being cheated on and lied to. 4 years.

In the end, the strength that it took for me to break up with him did not come quickly, but gradually. It came from me looking around at my friends (who by the way I alienated because I needed to give 100% of my attention to him or else). My friends who stuck by my side after 4 years of me pushing them away. It was also my realization that my worth does not rely on one boy. I stood back and literally let out a laugh while asking myself, "what are you doing?" I am letting some boy define me and tell me whether I deserve love. LETTING. So I decided to take control back.

Not going to lie. It is a daily challenge. I have noticed that when I show love to someone and let them know they are worthy, then that is when I feel that my life has worth. I feel purpose. When my focus is on others, I stop being that perfectionist, searching for love girl, and become a woman whose worth is not defined by other person's definition, but by me.

2. The lie: No one understands my trust issues

The truth: I am smarter now than I was yesterday

Now this one is not as easy to understand (pardon the reference) as the first lie. After my first relationship, I found myself in not one, but you guessed it...TWO more relationships that ended in the guy cheating. This just shows you that you can find your own self-worth and confidence, but that doesn't change people. People will choose to be selfish and cheat, not all people, but it just so happens the next two guys that I chose to date were.

I went into each one with the same caution. You might understand if you have ever been cheated on. You look at relationships different. People different. After being lied to, you automatically suspect the person will cheat. You go into relationships expecting the shoe to drop. I hate to tell you, but it only get worse after the second and third time. I found myself becoming more distant, so to protect myself. It was worse with the third guy. But it just so happens that both of these boys (yes, I use that word again because if you cheat you are a boy, not a man), acted the same and so it ended the same. Everything was good, or as much as it could long distance. We would video chat, text, and call each other every week as our schedules could allow. But we made sure to text every day.

Each relationship progressed the same, at a good pace. We were very open with each other about everything. They both knew about my past relationship and I knew about theirs. It got to the point that we were discussing where we wanted to live together: where they lived or where I lived. Both times I was willing to go to them and live where they lived. Both times I immediately volunteered to give up everything to them. Was it because I was afraid to lose them? Maybe. No matter the real reason, we were planning our futures together. A few months go by and the communication starts to dwindle. I am a practical woman. I know that life gets in the way and sometimes schedules are hectic. I know I am personally a workaholic, so I understand. However, I would still make sure to text or try to video chat. After weeks of the conversation becoming shorter and shorter, I asked if I did something wrong. They replied "No, why would you think that?"

And then that day. If you have been cheated on, you can probably remember the moment you found out. It doesn't matter how long it's been or the fact that I have forgiven and forgotten. When I think of that moment, I can remember the place I was at, everything about that moment. It just so happened that when I found out that second guy cheated, it was on my birthday. I was checking my Facebook feed for birthday messages when that post appeared. The post that he was in a relationship with someone he was friends with. Not just someone, but the girl who helped get us together in the first place...my friend. I stood, unable to move to speak as I looked at photos of them on the beach with a shells around them shaped in a heart. I immediately tried to think what I did. For three months, I did that until he messaged me with an apology. THREE MONTHS it took this boy to actually message me and apologize. Can I also point out that he apologized over text? Yeah, I know how to pick 'em!

The third relationship ended similarly with a post on Facebook, so I won't go into detail. But what I got out of it, was a whole new me. I came out of that third relationship knowing that if I was going to protect my heart that I needed to be smarter and stronger. It definitely is easier said than done. People ask me all the time why my standards are so high. Why I give straight forwarded responses to guys who try to ask me out or hit on me. I mean, I won't get any guy that way, right?

Wrong. I believe each relationship that I have been in was a learning lesson. Each lesson has made me smarter, wiser, and even a better person. Each time someone feels that I need to explain myself to them, I think of this. I think of this and push forward.

3. The lie: I am alone

The truth: I actively choose to not be in a relationship and enjoy being with my friends around me

After that third relationship, I needed some time for myself. Not only did I know that I could not go through that for a fourth time, but I also did not know who I was. I went through each relationship trying to be who the other person wanted me to be. I needed time to figure out who I was, what I believed in, and what I wanted to do with my life. That is when I decided to actively choose not to date.

I know what you are thinking. I couldn't do that. How do you choose not to date? Let me be the first to say, it is not easy! I did tell you that I needed to ACTIVELY choose this. I needed to remind myself that I was not punishing myself, but making myself better. To give myself some needed "me time". So I sat back and said, what have I wanted to do, but was too afraid to do. Get a Masters degree. So I decided to not date and further my career. Let me tell you...that was the best decision that I could have ever done.

Today, I have my M.Ed., have amazing friends that I cherish, and have even worked on healing my family relationships. But I have also worked on become the strong, independent woman that I was always inside of me. I now know my worth. I have a new perspective on life. I am content. I am happy. I am loved.

Sincerely,

A Strong Independent Woman