Transformation is an Ugly Process

“Because I am married and been married since we have known each other!” and just like that, the room fell silent but I smirked and leaned in and said “and it all makes sense now”. I have questions and not the typical scenario questions, I don’t want to know who she is, what she does, or anything else that has to do with her. I don’t want to know why he didn’t tell me when we met, when we became friends, before we had sex, the next time we had sex, our first argument, our last argument, when family members passed, numerous text messages? Why was it not the topic of discussion during the up-tempt times we said we would go our separate ways? None of it made sense or makes sense and it is simply not ever going to either. I have no reason to feel sad or bad about the situation. I can walk with my head held high because I did not break up a happy home or enter into this situation knowing the truth. I am not the deceiver however I do not feel better nor good about any of it.

I was asked what I will do now that I know the truth of my situation with this person. I don’t know. It’s easy to say bye; it’s hard to stay. How long can it stay hidden, for what is done in the dark will come to the light? Jesus! Then I had to realize and acknowledge that I had built a relationship. For better or for worse, in this “relationship” we are best friends, loyal and depended on each other, love exists, caring is constant and what we have is real. The alternate is that the relationship is fake, everything is and was a lie, a fabrication designed for his benefit, the pain and hurt is real. Those two worlds exist but yet cannot.

The only thing that I have for certain is myself. I am loyal only to me and I love me beyond words. I cannot lose me as I did before and I cannot lie to myself about this reality. I am in control of the narrative of this situation as I cannot allow someone to twist this into a reality where I am the person who is both victim and offender. It’s like those parts in movies where the heroine becomes the woman of will and determination. I am evolving into a woman that is becoming more self aware than ever before. She is seizing her power and controlling her destination.

The funny thing is that this is the role he has designed, one in which I am the person in control of him that is powerful and unyielding, I am this woman that is in full control. What does he see that I have been blinding myself to? What does she look like? How does she feel? What does she eat? How does she sound? When she speaks is it fast or slow and deliberate? Does she speak different languages? Does she play musical instruments and write poetry? The scary part among everything is that through this ugly revelation that I am transforming into the woman I was meant to be. Transformation is an ugly process.