Humans logo

Toxic Love

by Robyn Edmunds 8 months ago in breakups

A love that turns toxic.

Toxic Love

When I first met you the world was a dark place for me and I was a dark person in that world. I was drunk and lonely and emotionally damaged from a trauma that I was still to weak to talk about. I used your friend for comfort but it was to much and I was kicked to the curb, drunk and sad. That same night on June 22nd 2015 you walked me home. Told me I was beautiful as I cried and wiped away my tears under a lamp in the middle of the street. You allowed me to run free in a field and caught me when I fell. I knew then that I... I wanted every part of you. For months we meet in secret in fear of your friend, for months we talked like we had known each other for eternity, for months my feelings grew for you like none other before. You were perfect, too good to be true. Little did I know what our future held for us.

We started dating in secret but I didn't mind because I had you. It wasn't long before I lost you. I went drinking, underage with my friends and got spiked. I woke up in a strangers bed and had no idea of what had happened. It was when I got a message from the stranger saying that I had left my necklace that I found out that I had willingly had sex with another. I went to tell you straight away but you were drunk, you were a mean drunk, an emotionally damaging drunk. So I left it till the next day to tell you the truth. When I did our relationship was over and you broke my heart because I broke yours. I should of known then to let this be but I couldn't give up on us yet.

We met a few times in that April of 2016 and rekindled part of our relationship, then you moved and didn't tell me. It was 9 days before my 18th birthday that I found out I was pregnant with our son. At first you didn't want any part in his life but you eventually decided that you did. We entered our second relationship the September of 2017. Everything was perfect. We were in a long distance relationship but we were happy. Our family was happy. I loved you so much. More than I thought possible. Then 3 days before my 21st I found out that I was pregnant with our daughter. You moved in and life was just so good. We had our arguments but I was living my dream life. Our daughter was born on the 27th January, 2 years and 4 days after our son. That was when things started to go wrong. I saw bumble on your phone when you had asked me to check the message. You lied and said it was to make friends, I wasn't stupid I knew the truth but loved you enough to believe you'd never do it again. You started coming home later than usual, you were distant. Everything I did wasn't good enough. We moved house to try a fresh start but it only got worse. You wouldn't help with the kids or the bills. It was clear you had enough of our family and you brought me down to make you feel better. You destroyed every part of me that I loved. My confidence, my trust, my energy, my heart. I became a toxic person. Always checking your phone and wondering where you were. I was paranoid and broken. You said I was crazy and delusional. You made me feel inferior but you told me you loved me and our family so it was okay if you needed more time to yourself away from me. You loved me so it was fine if you didn't help contribute because you still turned up after work for 'us' (not the free ride you were getting).

Little did I know you weren't cheating on me like I had thought (hell you might of done) but really you were smoking weed to get away from me. You despised me for keeping the kids and destroying your life, so in turn you tried to destroy mine. Our arguments were becoming so frequent that we hated each other. We were miserable. It got to a point that you shoved me in an argument so I broke down and hit your arm screaming that I hated you. Then you left.

I haven't been happier in a long time without you here, our love was toxic. We became toxic in front of our kids. We were broken and couldn't be fixed.

I had honestly thought a man who saved me from myself all those years ago would be the man I'd marry and I loved who you were but not who you changed into. I loved the man who tried so hard to impress me without realizing I was already in love with him. You are no longer than man. It took me a long time to see that. I now know my worth and it is more than you could ever imagine. I am beautiful and confident and happy. I am all those things without you.

So thank you for all the lessons you taught me. Thank you for showing me my real worth. Thank you for helping take the first steps that I needed to become who I am today. But mostly thank you for giving me our kids.

Without you I wouldn't have this life that I dreamed about.

I am finally complete.

Robyn Edmunds
Robyn Edmunds
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Robyn Edmunds
See all posts by Robyn Edmunds