Toxic Detachment

I was always obsessed with love starting from the time I was old enough to understand what a crush was and to all those cheesy Y/A romance novels I read, I knew I wanted it. I had no understanding of it but I didn't care, I just wanted to feel special like characters in my books felt, like all the couples that were disgustingly sweet and nasty with each other in the halls; but my problem was I "fell in love" at the drop of the hat and very, very low self-esteem. I was also a horny teenager so you could imagine the types of unrealistic expectations I had as a whole on this topic.

I had a boyfriend in high school that I was in love with but my age never matched my desires. Although he and I were sexually active I did not want to be touched. My body knew but my mind never caught up so I let it happen because I thought I had to give him that. All my experiences after that felt the same, I felt obligated to reciprocate their arousal but that only confused me more. Don't get me wrong, I do feel arousal in the heat of the moment but when I realize that it's a feeling that's being caused by someone else I shut off. I've always been more comfortable in my fantasies than I am having to rely on another for pleasure.

Despite being this way, I still looked for love but still didn't know what I wanted from it.

Finding love is really hard when you have so little faith in it. I want it more than anything but I find any excuse to sabotage it. It's become almost like a survival instinct to protect myself before I get hurt. Even if there is no real indicator for that possibility, I give little trust to anyone or none at all. This pandemic has made it easier on my conscience when it comes to my trust issues and made it a lot easier to give excuses for myself too. I've used dating apps for a couple of years Tinder, OkCupid, Hinge, etc and it's gotten a lot easier to push off strangers online than it is in person. I've met some decent people, some shitty people, had dates that ended well, and some that ended awkwardly. It's an uncomfortable experience most times because of my social anxiety but that's life. I even ended up building friendships with some of them and that I'm more than grateful to have.

But, my search for love never ceased. Before all of this, out of all things that I was a cynic about I was never one when it came to love. I was overly optimistic to a fault. Even in this literal hell that this year has proven to be, I have remained optimistic to a certain degree to which I mean not at all. All faces to me are unattractive and even the most seemingly sweet personalities are all lying and I hate that more than anything.

Since that was the case for quite some time I turned to seek quick sexual relationships with people that I made small emotional connections with but you could imagine how well that worked out for me. A select few I saw for a summer, I saw for three months, three weeks and it all ended the same. I got overly attached too quickly and they all left me abruptly or let it slowly sink so that I'd be the one to call it off. But some, I was the one to slip away when I started to see that they genuinely cared about me. I got scared just like they did and for that, I was no better than them, I was just as toxic, and honestly, sometimes I think I was a lot worse in that regard.

My sexual endeavors didn't last very long and failed miserably, at least for me. On top of being emotionally numb, I never had good sex because I was too numb to feel anything. It was always just a temporary fix so that I could feel wanted at least in the few minutes that it'd lasted; before my attention started to fade. I always felt really bad for my partners than for myself by the end of it. However, the other thing this pandemic was good for was that I finally had time to learn about my body, what I like, what I dislike; But most importantly I finally started to get over my feelings of shame and have been so much kinder to myself. I also found the courage to purchase a toy; I didn't think something as small as that could feel so liberating and now I have two!

As for new love, Learning not to be so cynical towards love is not all that difficult to accomplish but my stubbornness to change my outlook is. I really had to push myself this time to stick around give people chances and it worked. I wouldn't say I'm over it but I'm definitely not as closed off as I use to be. Some very good friends of mine really helped grind into my head how important communication is, that my feelings are valid and just as much a priority as theirs are; and now I'm so much better at it! It has changed my life in more ways than I ever thought possible.

Even adults can forget something so simple.