Toxic and Abusive Relationships

So what defines a toxic relationship? It is a relationship when one or both people in the relationship display behaviors that are aggressive and controlling and negative. A toxic relationship is oftentimes physically, emotionally, and mentally harmful to one or both people involved. Relationships should be full of compromise, communication, encouragement, support, and understanding. This applies to friendships, family relations, and romantic relationships.

Maybe you don't know this yet, but love and happiness shouldn't have to be so hard. You shouldn't feel like you're constantly going up a steep mountain when it comes to your relationships with your loved ones. In a later post, I will tell you my story where I fell in love and married into an abusive marriage, and I didn't even know I was being abused.

Typically, toxic relationships are full of abuse. And not just physical kind of abuse. What may come as a surprise is that many people are being abused and don't even know it. Many men and women don't realize they are in an abusive relationship, simply because it's not physical. So I've taken the time to outline some of the different types of abuse. With each one, there will be a corresponding blog post with more details.

Physical Abuse: If there is physical contact in a relationship that is aggressive or violent in any way, without consent, it is considered physical abuse. Physical abuse is pushing, shoving, grabbing roughly, hitting, scratching, throwing things at you, and sometimes even the escalation to kicking and choking. Physical abuse can even be as minuscule as pinching. These kinds of abusive relationships are very dangerous, and if you are being abused in this way you need to get out! Please don't wait until it's too late. Go to the police, or your family, or a friend. The most common cause of people staying in these kinds of relationships is fear.

Mental Abuse: If a person is told something so many times, they begin to believe it. Phrases such as: 'You're worthless,' 'you're stupid,' 'You're ugly or fat.' People naturally cling to the words of the people they care about. When someone you love tells you something hurtful repeatedly, it is a form of abuse! It damages your self-image and your self-esteem and once this has happened, you become vulnerable to other forms of abuse. Mental abuse is often how general abuse starts.

Verbal/Emotional Abuse: Hand in hand with mental abuse, these often coincide with each other. If you or your partner often say hurtful things to each other, then you are both being abusive to one another. This type of abuse is exampled by shouting and screaming, cursing, saying things out of anger or spite. Arguments where verbal and emotional abuse are often filled with curse words and wishes that the other person would get hurt, or saying that they 'should' get hurt or hurt the other person. This also includes blacking mailing and threats of other sorts. Using online media as a way to humiliate, intimidate, or bash is a form of this abuse. Often times, on Facebook, Twitter or other social media websites are used to rant or 'talk at' someone's friends or partner. This is Verbal/Emotional abuse. And unfortunately, about 98% of the world is responsible for this kind of abuse.

Sexual Abuse: This one is pretty obvious in some ways, but in other ways, it's not. Even the simplest thing like unwanted kisses, or even kissing you after someone has just berated, belittled or harmed you in any way is sexual abuse. Using affection as a way of control, hugging, kissing, touching is also sexual abuse. Sexual abuse also includes using sex or affection as a way to coerce you into doing things you do not want to do, or even withholding affection as a way of coercion. If any of this is familiar to you please seek help. This kind of abusive relationship can be just as dangerous as a relationship with physical abuse.

Financial Abuse: Many people have no idea that there is such a thing as financial abuse. If your partner insists on you having a set allowance, controlling what you buy, not being allowed access to your financial records, etc. If you stop and think about it, this is a pretty simple way to control another person. If you don't have access to money, you don't have access to the things you need, and it's hard to escape a situation if you have absolutely no control over your own money.

Digital Abuse: As mentioned earlier in emotional abuse, using online media as a way to intimidate, threaten, bully, harass or humiliate another person is considered abuse. Whether it's posted publicly, or messaged in a private setting if someone is abusing you using cyber-activity it is very easy to put a stop to. If someone is harassing or bullying or abusing you online, it's time to take advantage of the block button.

Stalking: This one is scary, but we all know what stalking is. But the thing of it is, even the person you are with, or people you are friends with are capable of this type of abuse. They don't have to be a stranger or a disliked person to fall under this type of abuse.

For more information, and details on these types of abuse, you can go to this website. If you feel as if you are in a category of any of these types of abuse, please get help. The website I just linked (and will link again) is a safe place to seek help and advice.

But, these are not the only ways to decide if you are in a toxic relationship. It's not just abuse that can lead to toxicity in a relationship. Let us quote a professional:

"A toxic individual behaves the way he or she does essentially for one main reason: he or she must be in complete control and must have all the power in his or her relationship. Power sharing does not occur in any significant way in a toxic relationship. And while power struggles are normal in any relationship, particularly in the early stages of a marriage, toxic relationships are characterized by one partner absolutely insisting on being in control. Keep in mind, the methods used by such an individual to control his or her partner in a toxic relationship may or may not be readily apparent, even to their partner."

And there are all kinds of ways that this behavior occurs. To keep things simple for myself I'm going to copy and paste the different examples of these toxic behaviors.

Deprecator-Belittler

This type of toxic individual will constantly belittle you. He or she will make fun of you, essentially implying that pretty much anything you say that expresses your ideas, beliefs, or wants is silly or stupid. A toxic partner will not hesitate to belittle you in public, in front of your friends or family. Even though you may have asked your toxic partner to stop belittling you, he or she will continue this behavior, occasionally disguising it by saying, “I’m just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?” The problem is they are not kidding and what they’re doing is not a joke. The toxic partner wants all the decision making power. Unfortunately, if you tolerate this deprecating behavior long enough, you very well may begin to believe you can’t make good decisions.

This type of toxic individual will often tell you that you’re lucky to have them as a partner, that no other man or woman would really want you. His or her goal is to keep your self esteem as low as possible so that you don’t challenge their absolute control of the relationship.

The “Bad Temper” Toxic Partner

Have you or someone you've known ever said that they’ve given up trying to argue or disagree with their partner because he/she gets so angry or loses his or her temper, and then often won’t interact with them in any meaningful way for days. “Controlling by intimidation” is a classic behavior of a toxic partner.

Often these individuals have an unpredictable and “hair-trigger” temper. Their partners often describe themselves as “walking on egg shells” around the toxic partner, never quite knowing what will send him or her into a rage. This constant need for vigilance and inability to know what will trigger an angry outburst wears on both the “victim’s” emotional and physical health.

Again, it is noteworthy that this type of emotionally abusive partner rarely shows this side of his or her self to the outside world. He or she is frequently seen as a pleasant, easy-going person who almost everyone likes.

As you would expect, if you confront a “bad temper” partner about the inappropriateness of their anger, they will almost always blame their temper outburst on you. Somehow it’s your fault they yell and scream. This disowning of responsibility for their dysfunctional behavior is typical of a toxic partner.

The Guilt-Inducer

A toxic relationship can, of course, occur not only between two individuals in a committed relationship, but also between friends or parents and their adult children. Control in these relationships, as well as in a committed relationship, is exercised by inducing guilt in the “victim.” The guilt inducer controls by encouraging you to feel guilty any time you do something he or she doesn’t like. Not infrequently they will get someone else to convey their sense of “disappointment” or “hurt” to you. For example, your father calls up to tell you how disappointed your mother was that you didn’t come over for Sunday dinner.

A guilt inducer not only controls by inducing guilt but also by temporarily “removing” guilt if you end up doing what he or she wants you to do. For guilt-prone individuals, anything or anyone that removes guilt is very desirable and potentially almost addictive, so the guilt inducer has an extremely powerful means of control at their disposal.

Incidentally, guilt induction is the most common form of control used by a toxic parent(s) to control their adult children.

Frequently, a spouse or significant other will disguise their guilt-inducing control by seemingly supporting a decision you make – i.e., going back to school – but will then induce guilt by subtly reminding you of how much the children miss you when you’re gone, or how you haven’t been paying much attention to him or her lately, etc. As with all toxic behaviors, guilt-inducing is designed to control your behavior so your toxic partner, parent, or friend gets what he or she wants.

The Overreactor/Deflector

If you’ve ever tried to tell a significant other that you’re unhappy, hurt, or angry about something they did and somehow find yourself taking care of their unhappiness, hurt, or anger, you’re dealing with an overreactor/deflector. You find yourself comforting them instead of getting comfort yourself. And, even worse, you feel bad about yourself for being “so selfish” that you brought up something that “upset” your partner so much. Needless to say, your initial concern, hurt, or irritation gets lost as you remorsefully take care of your partner’s feelings.

A variation on this theme is the deflector: You try and express your anger or irritation regarding some issue or event – your spouse stays out with his/her friends two hours longer than they said they would and doesn’t even bother to call – and somehow your toxic partner finds a way to make this your fault!

The Over-Dependent Partner

Odd as it may seem, one method of toxic control is for your partner to be so passive that you have to make most decisions for them. These toxic controllers want you to make virtually every decision for them, from where to go to dinner to what car to buy. Remember, not deciding is a decision that has the advantage of making someone else – namely you – responsible for the outcome of that decision. And, of course, you’ll know when you’ve made the “wrong” decision by your partner’s passive aggressive behavior such as pouting or not talking to you because you chose a movie or restaurant they didn’t enjoy. Or you choose to go to spend the weekend with your parents and your partner goes along but doesn’t speak to anyone for two days.

Passivity can be an extremely powerful means of control. If you’re involved in a relationship with a passive controller, you’ll likely experience constant anxiety and/or fatigue, as you worry about the effect of your decisions on your partner and are drained by having to make virtually every decision.

The “Independent” (Non-Dependable) Toxic Controller

This individual frequently disguises his or her toxic controlling behavior as simply asserting his or her “independence.” “I’m not going to let anyone control me” is their motto. This toxic individual will only rarely keep his or her commitments. Actually, what these individuals are up to is controlling you by keeping you uncertain about what they’re going to do. Non-dependables will say they’ll call you, they’ll take the kids to a movie Saturday, they’ll etc. etc., but then they don’t. Something always comes up. They usually have a plausible excuse, but they simply don’t keep their commitments. As a result, they control you by making it next to impossible for you to make commitments or plans.

What’s even more distressing is that this type of toxic individual does not make you feel safe and secure in your relationship. It’s not just their behavior that’s unpredictable; you’re never quite sure that they are really emotionally committed to you, that you and your relationship with them are a priority in their life. You’ll often find yourself asking for reassurance from them, reassurance that they love you, find you attractive, are committed to your marriage, etc. Their response is often just vague enough to keep you constantly guessing, and is designed to keep you doing what they want to “earn” their commitment. The anxiety you feel in such a relationship can, and often does, eat away at your emotional and physical health.

The User Users

Especially at the beginning of a relationship, the user users often seem to be very nice, courteous, and pleasant individuals. And they are, as long as they’re getting everything they want from you. What makes a relationship with a user toxic is its one way nature and the fact that you will end up never having done enough for them. Users are big time energy drainers who will in fact leave you if they find someone else who will do more for them. Actually, a really adept user will occasionally do some small thing for you, usually something that doesn’t inconvenience or cost them too much. Be warned: they have not given you a gift, they’ve given you an obligation. If you ever balk at doing something for them, or doing things their way, they’ll immediately hold whatever they’ve done over your head and work hard to induce guilt. Staying in a relationship with a user is like paying $1,000 for a candy bar. You really aren’t getting much for your investment.

The Possessive (Paranoid) Toxic Controller

This type of toxic individual is really bad news. Early in your relationship with them you may actually appreciate their “jealousy,” particularly if it isn’t too controlling. And most, but certainly not all, possessives will imply that once the two of you are married or in a committed relationship, they’ll be just fine.

Don’t believe it for a moment. These toxic individuals will become more and more suspicious and controlling as time goes on. They’ll check the odometer in your car to make sure you haven’t gone somewhere you “shouldn’t,” they’ll interrogate you if you have to stay late at work, they will, in short, make your life miserable. Over time they will work hard to eliminate any meaningful relationships you have with friends, and sometimes even with family. They do not see themselves in a relationship with you; they see themselves as possessing you.

Your efforts to reassure a toxic possessive about your fidelity and commitment to them will be in vain. If you stay in a relationship with such an individual you will cease to really have a life of your own.

These are all very common in all actuality when looking at the world around us. And they are by far not even the only cause. Lying, manipulating, or even outright controlling behavior are all forms of toxic control.

So here is my own comment to make you chew on your own circumstances... are you the receiver of any of these behaviors? Or maybe... you're guilty of doing some of these things?

To my readers who are the receiver of toxic behavior from their partners:

You can't change your partner. If communication works, it would have worked if you've tried. A lot of abusers/toxic partners don't realize they are being abusive and sometimes an open line of communication will help the situation get better. Abuse is a cycle and often stemmed by other issues such as depression, or PTSD from being abused themselves. If you are the receiving end of these behaviors, you may realize now that there may be a subtle reason under it... but be done with feeling bad for them and do not allow yourself to be guilted into staying in that friendship or relationship. And do not get me wrong, as a victim of abuse myself, I know you do love that person or you used to. But the beauty of humans is the painful emotions we feel fade over time and you become stronger. And you will find someone else you love. And the possibility of them treating you better or you being just happier is substantial. Don't feel obligated, or feel guilty, or use any excuses such as 'nowhere to go' or money, or whatever to stay.

Leave. Because they won't change unless they decide to change for themselves. Often times we make the mistake of thinking that they will change because they love you.

I hate to burst everyone's bubble but... this is never actually the case. People will only be able to change because they are changing for themselves. If they find they don't want to lose you from their lives then, of course, they will change. But remember, a person only changes when they want to change. It's a harsh reality, but a personal shift in personality or perception is only ever for ones self. Just remember that this is okay - because if they are not changing for themselves, they are not changing at all.

Our only real obligation in life is taking care of ourselves, and tending to our own gardens of happiness. If you are part of someone's garden, then that's great. You are a flower that inspired that person to pull a weed out from their personality and change for the better. Which should be just as flattering to you as the concept of the changing "for" you. It's a huge honor to be a reason someone decides to make themselves better. But don't stay in a dangerous situation simply because you believe they will change eventually. And here's another bit of blunt advice: generally, people don't want to change until a major event in their lives changes their circumstances. If you want to see if they love you enough to change and stop being abusive then the best way to do that is to leave. The worst that could possibly happen is they do not change, and you have just escaped a damaging situation.

I am going to reiterate, and as a victim and survivor of abuse, I hope you take my words to heart: Get out of it. you're only being harmed. And people do not change for you. And you would be much happier with someone else, or even on your own.

And I have one more heavy statement: The people around you who love you have noticed the toxic or abusive behavior: And they are really, really worried about you. Again, I was a victim of abuse, and I did not realize it until my own mother told me that my husband was abusing me. Even if you don't realize or think you're being abused, open a line of communication with your closest loved ones. This was the first step for me escaping my situation. The conversation I had with my mother that made me realize I was being abused was also the conversation where I realized I had been feeling utterly alone.

I know it sounds crazy, how do you not know you're feeling alone?

Because that's what abuse does. It numbs you. It breaks you. And sometimes it is a more silent and deadly killer than arsenic. My mother made me realize I wasn't alone at the time, and when that feeling of knowing that someone was on my side, someone was there to help me, the rush of emotions was simply indescribable.

To my readers that may have realized by the end of this that they may be a toxic or abusive person:

Seek help. A psychiatrist, preferably because your toxic behavior will only lead you to get angry or abuse the friends you are seeking advice from. Don't just accept this fact, or wallow in misery. You're not a bad person despite your behaviors. There is an underlying reason. There is always a reason for everything. And the sooner you get help in figuring out how or what causes this behavior, the sooner you can get into a healthy relationship and be happy yourself. You'll learn how to trust, and in the future, you will not have the urge to behave in ways that control your significant other. You're not a bad person, you just have issues. And it's about time you pull that weed from your garden so that you don't have to look at it anymore and you can finally be happy, in a healthy way.