I thought I met the love of my life in November 2015. We were 18. I was fresh out of high school and ready to take on the world. Our mutual friend hooked us up, claiming we'd be "best friends if we met."
I won't deny the sparks I felt the night we met. I instantly found myself attracted to him. He was gorgeous, tall, incredibly muscular, and, ultimately to his misfortune, your typical bad boy. Call me crazy, but it may have been love at first sight.
I still love him dearly. Two and a half years later I love the moments we spent together. I recall them fondly, wishing I could go back to a time when being reckless didn't matter and it was okay to put off college for a semester or two.
We spent that winter together. He didn't graduate high school on time and went a semester longer to make up his attendance record, but at 3:05 PM we were always together. We met each other's families, spent Christmas and New Year's at each other's houses, and life couldn't have been better. He even got me a job at the same restaurant as him. During the day, he was lovely.
When night came around, he became a different person. His fake ID found its place in the front of his wallet and he left me to my own, while he and his friends went out and partied. I tried not to worry. It was my first relationship that I was really invested in. I did not want to mess up, nor did I know him well enough to call him out on it.
I remember one night specifically he told me that he loved alcohol more than me, but he hoped that would change one day. It seemed romantic at the time, but it proved to be true.
Nine months in, I was beginning to feel left out. We were constantly making plans, only to be canceled so he could go out with his friends. I couldn't take it anymore, I was seeing him less and less and felt as though he didn't care for me. So, we went on a break, with plans to keep in touch. He was able to spend his days doing what he wanted, while I hoped he would grow out of this phase of his life.
A couple days later, I found out the most devastating news of my life, so far. His brother's girlfriend lets me in on a well-kept secret between our friend group; he cheated on me twice while we were together.
My world shattered. I had never felt more oblivious, upset, and angry in my life. I texted him to find out if it was true. After denying it for almost an entire day, he finally confessed. It was true.
I cannot explain the amount of pain I still feel to this day from this. I spent almost two days in bed, screaming and crying into my mom's chest, begging for the pain to stop.
He quit his job at the restaurant and I disconnected with everyone who kept this "secret" from me, which resulted in me losing most of my "closest friends."
Yet, three months later, I found him in my arms again. Stupid me.
My manager called him up to see if he could help out with some of the staffing issues we had, and of course, he said yes. That night, I found him on his knees in front of me begging to give him another chance. Why did I agree? I really can't tell you the answer. I love him. I really do.
Since then, we have still been on and off, I just can't seem to shake my love for him. Regardless of how he treats me.
Not much has changed since the day we met. He has stopped smoking weed and cigarettes, upon my request, but he still has a bit of an alcohol problem and he still isn't even in college. Of course, taking a gap year is typical for most kids these days, but we have been out of high school for nearly three years now. I will have my degree in a year. My Bachelor's. Before I'm even 22.
I feel as though I deserve someone who is at the same level as me in their life. Someone who has a general idea of what direction their life is going in. This boy and I have begun to argue all the time because of this very reason. He is very frivolous with his money and drives a car with a broken steering wheel and no driver door handle at all. It also only starts a majority of the time only after cranking it for about fifteen minutes. The car is nearly older than we are. He works 40+ hours a week at a restaurant, yet cannot even buy himself a nicer, working, put together looking car.
And I'm not even going to get into the trust issues I have with him, or how my friends and family despise him.
So, if I know what I want, why am I still with him? I really don't know. He is all I know, and I am incredibly comfortable knowing that he is home waiting for me. I feel as though I don't have a support system that is strong enough to make sure I don't call him crying. Again.
I am slowly working my way to becoming okay with the idea of leaving him, but it is incredibly hard. I have attempted to initiate a break up multiple times, but he becomes incredibly emotionally abusive, claiming he is going to kill himself. Deep down, I know he won't, but it is enough of a "maybe he will" to keep me around another day.
I am not even sure why I am writing this. I know what I have to do but can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to be without him as much as I want to be free of his abuse and stress he places in my life. The good moments are so good, but the bad moments are just as bad.
Too bad I really do love him. Or do I just love the moments we had together in the past? I wish I could just find the courage to put my happiness above his.