To the person I liked at the time
incoherent ramblings, posting in case a single soul out there relates
It’s almost 1am that i’m writing this. 12:54am, and who knows when i’ll be done? The thoughts came way before that. Way, way before, even though i had told myself i would be fine without you - better off without you.
Both of those things are true, i am fine without you and i am better off without you. I’m sure it’s the same vice versa. But that doesn’t change how much i think back on the way we used to be. It’s my fault, i was the one who messed it all up and i cant even justify it. Im sorry for the moments where i did try to justify what i did, either to you, or my friends, or anyone who might ask in the future, or even to myself. Im sorry because i may believe it in that moment that technically, what i did was okay. But deep down, or right now anyways, i know it was wrong of me to be unfaithful. Im sorry for hurting you.
Maybe i did it in retaliation for the way you had hurt me before - i don’t know, i don’t think so, and i really hope not but i can’t promise that isn’t a reason why. Again, its no justification.
I’m sorry that i wasn’t brave enough to tell you the truth, because honestly i had planned to break it off before the whole incident even happened - before it even had to happen. I should’ve told you before i asked you to come over.. That we couldn’t see each other anymore, or atleast in that way. You didnt remember when i said that “we need to talk” and honestly, i took advantage of that.
It was my selfishness again. I wanted you too much when i couldn’t have you. I liked you too much to do the right thing. Or maybe i didn’t like you enough to do the right thing. I definitely didn’t like you enough to stay, because what happened afterwards - my mistake - was the only way i knew how to leave, for your sake.
Im sorry that i couldn’t just leave without being a coward.
I dont know why im writing this right now. This is the explanation that i couldn’t send afterwards because what is even the point? There is no excuse. I did what i did. I couldn’t stay, i dont even want you to want me as a whole, but part of me wants you still and part of me wants you to want me, still.
I foolishly believe that somehow, we’re going to connect again, next year. I mean, you hurt me two summers ago so now its my turn, right? But its not like i would even have the face or guts to contact you next year so yeah.. The irrationality of my logic is mindboggling. Im sorry.
Im sorry that i always want to be, or act as if, im the victim.
It hurts when i think about how you are probably doing way better now, even though that is genuinely what i want, hope, and expect. I dont know what you saw in me but im sorry for disappointing you.
If you were to give me another chance, well, i dont know if id blow it. Im sorry for that too.
Im sorry that i lost you in the first place but i dont regret it. Isnt that weird?
You could be really very sorry for something but not regret it. You could really truly like someone and still be unfaithful. I mean those things with the upmost sincerity and no disrespect.
But yeah, this is the long, extended, and more pointless version of the sorry that you never got.
June 10th 2019