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To the Girls I've Hurt (Emotionally)

by Kyle Michael 11 months ago in breakups

I was scared

To the girls I’ve hurt,

I was scared.

Scared of letting you come too close to see my darkness. Scared of the unknown, scared to fully commit to letting you completely tear down my walls. That’s why I said the things I said and did the things I did. I know its not a good excuse for why I burned our bridges but what else could you expect from an awkward, shy, and dumb guy who never had girl friends or sisters. Yes, I have a mother who loves me and thinking about it now I should have learned from my relationship with her. But being naïve as I was, I didn’t know how to treat you. If I’m honest with you all and myself I still don’t know how to treat you because I’m still that awkward and shy guy that has stayed in the comfort zone. So maybe this letter is not only to you but to that boy who was scared of letting people in and letting them see his darkness for what it is and helping him defeat it together. But now that his darkness has grown over time, the young man that he is now feels like that is all that there is for him.

So, to the boy I know your fear seems overwhelming but learn to take a chance and open up to that girl you liked because you never know how they could have reacted with more love and if they reacted with hate then it wasn’t meant to be. And also, because everyone else has their own demons that they carry around with them so what makes you think that you’re so special?

To my first love (or what I thought was love) I’m sorry for not coming in to hug you and make sure you were alright when I saw you crying because you were hit in the face while we were playing foursquare. Those beautiful green eyes suddenly transforming into blue screaming for my affirmation that its going to be ok and coming to comfort you. I let my pride take a hold of me and thought I didn’t want to cause a scene in front of my friends so I just stared at you with my ‘you’ll get over it by yourself’ and fearful brown eyes. I’m sorry for not keeping my promise in saying that you were the only girl that I wanted but when I was stuck playing seven minutes in heaven with another girl and she came onto me I kissed her back.

To the one who started out as a friend but I started to have feelings for. I’m sorry for being awkward when you wanted that kiss on the cheek after our first date. I’m sorry for not telling you the truth for the reason why I didn’t feel the same way anymore. I could feel you wanting to come closer to me because you started asking me deeper questions. I was scared of telling you how selfish I really was because instead of loving you I loved myself more to love something that was fake and something that took away my fear only for a moment. With you I felt the scariest because I knew you were real but I was a coward and that’s why I broke up with you from text.

To the one who saw me at my worst. I’m sorry for saying I love you on our first date when I really didn’t love you. It was too quick to say those words that could kill or give air to someone. That should have been a major red flag for you. You saw me at my worst.

To the girls I’ve hurt I know sorry won’t do you justice as I know it cliché so I will change how I view women, learn from my mistakes, breathe then let myself be vulnerable for the next (hopefully last) girl.

breakups

Kyle Michael

Vancouver, Canada

Read next: Can Marriage Survive Cheating?

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