This is Why they Call it Falling

It was my last weekend of recovering from a miscarriage and concussion in my home away from home in Toronto, the Warwick Hotel. It had a nasty reputation, but all my friends worked there and they were the sweetest people I'd ever met. Before I left town I had to stop in during the evening shows to see my dear friend, Brandee, Alias, Allan Maloney. Bigger than life, an icon in Toronto, Brandee took all the strippers at the Warwick Revue under her broad, sequined wings.

On her way back to the dressing room after her show, Brandee caught sight of me and swayed over to my table. She wrapped me in her man/woman arms and hugged me so hard I thought all my pieces were going to be put back together. “Oh, Girl! I’ve been so worried about you. Judy told me everything. You poor thing. Out of the frying pan and right into the flames, eh?”

“Oh, God, Brandee, I needed that hug. You have no idea.”

“Honey, I have three kids and I know the pain they can cause. In the future, you will be thanking God for the break he gave you this time. You don’t need more troubles.”

“Brandee, I didn’t know you had kids. I hope you have a good relationship with them. You’re just a beautiful person.”

“Oh, we go back and forth. But they’re getting used to the real me.”

“Love you, Brandee. I’m going back up to my room in a little. Just wanted to say ‘hello’ to you.”

“You stay away from the men, little sister- you hear me? They are nothing but trouble and you are too talented to be waylaid.”

“Gotcha!”

With that, Brandee disappeared in a cloud of pancake makeup and hairspray. I finished up my sidecar drink and headed back to my room, tripping over a hunched figure sitting on the stairs to the hotel lobby. “Whoops, excuse me. I’m so sorry.”

So much for Brandee's good advice. The figure stood up to his full height. It was my ex-boyfriend, Jake, waiting to pounce on me, probably for the damage I had done to his truck.

“That’s Okay, I guess I deserve anything you do to me, don’t I?”

“Um, I just want to go back to my room.” I stuttered as I sidestepped him.

“Please. Please. Don’t shut me out. We need to talk. Or maybe it’s just me who needs to talk. Give me a chance. Just a few minutes, that’s all I’m asking for. We can talk right here.”

“Jake, you don’t owe me anything and I’m not sorry about your truck. I just wish it was you I hit with the tire iron instead.”

“I’m not mad. I deserved that and more. I get it. Everything I’ve ever done since we met has ended up hurting you. You put up with it- with me, without any promises of more. I have no idea why.”

“Well, that makes two of us.”

“Can you really walk away that easily? Isn’t there anything left for me?”

“Oh, my God. Jake, a week ago you may have been able to spin me into another of your webs. Now I know that I wasn’t the only woman on the side I’m way past caring.”

“What? Who, Sandy? You’ve got to be kidding. She’s my fallback girl. That’s all.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that was allowed. Maybe I should have had a fallback guy all that time. But that wouldn’t have been allowed.”

“No, I mean, before I met you when Bree and I were fighting I’d go spend time with Sandy just to get away. After I met you I didn’t know what to do with her.”

“You could have dumped her like you did when you dropped me off at the Warwick and disappeared when I needed you most.”

“I didn’t want to leave you. I didn’t have a choice.”

“Yes, Jake. That’s the thing. You’ve always had choices. You just seem to make bad ones, selfish ones. When you were gone I didn’t stop breathing and living. I was still alive and alone and waiting for you to show up, while you were out there living and breathing, not thinking of me. I will never do that again.”

“I’m not asking you to. Remember when we talked about traveling together in the winter? I can still do that. I still want to be with you. Let’s start over again. Please? I’m not going to make it without you.”

“These past seven months have been the saddest of my life. I don’t want to live that way anymore. I won’t do it. It just about killed me. But, you know all about that, and still, you left me.”

“Oh, God. I left you because it seemed like every time I screwed up you paid for it. I’m a coward, okay? Are you satisfied? I almost killed you because I couldn’t keep my hands off you. You almost died because of me. I couldn’t deal with it. I left to punish myself.”

“How did that work out for you, Jake?”

“Not very well. Look, I’ve got a lawyer and he’s sending Bree a registered letter this week. I’m leaving her. You were right about her and Dan. The baby is his, not mine.”

“Well, it’s not a big surprise, is it?”

“No. Not really. He kept showing up all the time, even when I wasn’t there. Kind of a big clue, eh?”

“What are you going to do with your fallback chick? You going to keep her hanging on like you did with me?”

“Let me spend the night with you. One night. If you aren’t interested in trying again, I will leave, and you’ll never have to see me again. I’ll call Sandy from your room and tell her it’s over before I even touch you.”

We walked through the lobby doors and down the hall to my room and I handed him my key, “Here, I’ll wait outside the room to give you privacy. Take your time.”

Jake opened the door in about ten minutes and waved me in, “Tell me what your schedule is for the next four weeks and we can start planning our first official road trip together. My schedule just got cleared for the next… Tina? Doll? What’s wrong? Why the tears? I thought this would make you happy.”

“Oh, my God. I’m happy. Surprised. Shocked. This is the last thing I expected.”

“I haven’t felt this good in a long time. I’m with who I want to be with and don’t have to keep juggling and lying to be with you. This whole last month all I kept thinking about was what our lives could have been if we hadn’t had a miscarriage. It could have been everything both of us needed. I want another chance. Do you think you can handle me being around you all the time?”

“Only time will tell, Jake. Right now all I want is for you to hold me and remind me what your skin feels like on mine and how your warm breath on my face makes me melt.”