This Is What Happens When You Ghost Someone...

Note: This entire article could probably be summarised in the following way: ‘When you ghost someone, you make them feel like sh*t’. There is, however, a minimum word count enforced, so let's explore further...

Essentially, ghosting involves ending a connection with someone without giving any explanation, leaving the ghosted party to ponder, wonder and self flagellate. So why do people ghost? In summary, because they do not want to partake in the unpleasantness of ‘breaking things off’ with someone. Selfish? Yes. Cowardly? Absolutely. However, when ghosted, do we focus on the shortcomings of the ghoster, and the fact that they put their own comfort before ours? No, of course not. We run through a myriad of reasons as to why we have been left without explanation, sometimes despite our attempting to reach out for answers (which in turn leads to what I like to call ‘multiple ghosting’, resulting in our then feeling like stalkers).

‘Was it me?’ In actual fact, yes, it was. But not in the way you are thinking. No matter how many times we run through text exchanges or relive time spent together (all the while wearing our Sherlock Holmes hats) there is never any clear indication as to why we have been ghosted. Because it happens entirely out of the blue—and by ‘it’, I am referring to the fact that the ghoster has decided that they just don’t want to be with us/communicate with us any longer. This does not mean that we are unattractive, boring, weird, or should have kept our Sylvanian Families Rabbit Family collection to ourselves. It simply means they have decided we are not a person they want in their lives. Crushingly honest, I know. True, you know. But this revelation does not need to lead to our feeling worthless—it's simply a fact of life that sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Sometimes we are for people, sometimes we are not. With ghosting, it’s the manner in which we are treated when this decision about us has been reached that has the most distressing impact.

The difference with ghosting someone is that you have not given the much needed reason for no longer pursuing the attachment. You have decided it would be ‘easier’ to simply stop all communication, and let someone ‘get the hint’. In a world where everything is becoming more and more expendable, peoples' feelings are now also disposable, it seems. Had a reason for you no longer wanting to spend time together been given, the other party could accept this, and move on with much less embarrassment and upset. By ghosting you have put your own need (to easily rid yourself of someone you no longer want to interact with) before that of another person—that too, someone you know to have an interest in you—an utterly ungentlemanly/unladylike action and also, not very f*cking nice. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it will be more hurtful to give the real reason for breaking contact with someone—it won’t (as long as dealt with in a mature and inoffensive manner)—you are just saving yourself from a few minutes of unpleasantness, the result of which leads to a significantly negative impact on another person's peace of mind. For someone with already low self esteem, ghosting can have a massive impact on confidence, self worth, and ability to trust—barriers are formed, which can stop letting others get close in case of repeat ghosting.

So how should we deal with being ghosted? What should we do? Ultimately, we should do nothing. The ghoster hasn't given a damn about us and will not—no matter what we do or don't do—so we should not waste our time giving a damn about them. Once we realise the fault does not lie with us, and realise the problem lies with ghoster and their cowardice, we can move on and not let another person's emotional shallowness affect our self worth.

Things not to do when you are ghosted:

1. Send a tirade of abusive messages to the ghoster in the hope they will respond with an explanation—they won't, they don't care.
2. Listen to your friends when they say the ghoster will be in touch eventually—they won't, they don't care.
3. Have a full makeover/dress yourself up looking fabulous/take up new and interesting hobbies and activities in the hope that the ghoster, when they see you, will change their mind and reconnect—they won't, they don't care.

In a nutshell—they don't care, so neither should you! Put your big person pants on, realise that sometimes people act in a despicable manner, and move on***!!!

***Preferably holding a cosmopolitan and a very cute small kitten which will always love you.