Things I Don't "Get"

I try to keep up… I try to stay current… I try to be cool… But the list of things I simply don’t “get” becomes longer every year. I’m not the “Hey, get off my lawn” guy… I swear. I love and appreciate being a member of a society where people can (more or less) do and wear and say whatever TF they want. Yet, there’s still no denying the societal changes and evolutions of our society that I simply don’t get.

I don’t get tattoos. I’m sorry… I just don’t. I accept that they’re artistic and meaningful and a beautiful form of self-expression. I realize that everyone under the age of 50 (and plenty over) have given great thought (and money) to decorating their bodies with tattoo art. Hey… Some of my best friends have tattoos. But my ex-wife has a tattoo… seriously? So does every hipster and gym rat and fat guy in a tank top at the beach. The guy at the beach, I think we could all especially do without. While we’re at it, can we keep them off the neck AND the knuckles? And is it too late to give Mike Tyson a do-over? If you’re going to get a tattoo, please make it a good one… The only thing worse than body art is bad body art.

I don’t get prescription drug advertising on TV. Who thought it would be a good idea to sell an unlimited inventory of TV ad time to multi-billion dollar corporations in the prescription drug business? “If any of the following occurs, please call 911 immediately: shortness of breath, heart palpitations, burning diarrhea, or your head exploding.” I’m no fan of censorship or excessive regulation, but sometimes we entirely lose sight of our collective common sense. If any industry on the planet should NOT have the ability to reach into people’s living rooms and wallets with pretty words and prettier pictures, it’s the prescription drug industry. No one wants to be sick or die… We’ll try anything. Take a daily pill, and I’ll be rock climbing in a week? Where do I sign up? And I’d bet that five out of five doctors agree with me. Imagine your patients demanding specific prescription drugs, based solely on a TV commercial they saw during a rerun of Modern Family. What’s next, prescription drug vending machines?

I don’t get online dating. I have no right to say this, of course. I have exactly zero firsthand experience in this foreign land(mine). I’ve never created a profile… I’ve never met a woman for coffee… It’s been almost a decade since my last first date. I still don’t get it. Quantity yes, but what about the quality? Do the odds of finding someone worth your time and effort increase with the uptick in likes and swipes? We’ve all read a thousand stories about online dating… For every happy ending (second date or better), there are enough recollections, from both sides of the gender aisle, to make Law and Order look like Sesame Street. Guys show up without wallets… Girls show up 20 pounds above their profile. Neither can put down the phone. I may not be the most romantic middle-aged man on the planet, but I believe we all need a little more romance than what seems to exist in the world of online dating.

Much more seriously, and much more than all the above put together? I truly don’t get forcing yourself on a woman (or man?) for some perverse version of sexual satisfaction. Disregard the gender politics of it for just a minute… Put aside the hashtag movements and the Harvey Weinstein's. Where exactly is the pleasure in having sex with a woman against her will? Where exactly is the joy of “getting some” when a woman wants nothing to do with giving it? Why would any man find it an enjoyable experience to have sex with a woman that doesn’t want to have sex with him? The truth is, there’s not a man on this planet older than age 40 who hasn’t said or done anything inappropriate to a woman. But physical assault for the specific purpose of getting your rocks off? Tell me why. Explain it to me. I still won’t understand it, but maybe there is some twisted logic to this line of thinking that speaks to the far too many men who engage in forced sex. On the other hand, maybe that’s why they call it rape and assault… Because the logic doesn’t exist to justify the act.

Don’t we all know that the only sex worth having in this lifetime is sex with someone who wants to be there as much as you do? Nothing else really qualifies, and all reasoning to the contrary is just too pathetic and dark to comprehend.