There's a First Time for Everything Part 1

From a young age, I never thought I'd have children; it may have gone as far as not wanting them. I couldn't get my head around them depending on me. I never thought I had the capability of loving a child. I guess it was all down to fear; what if I made mistakes? What if I wasn't a good parent or couldn't bond with the child? The questions were endless. I also thought I would never find the right person to settle down with; all my previous relationships ended on bad terms. I knew I was young and a baby in people's eyes and none of the relationships had gotten serious; they were barely out of the little primary school relationships, but the relationships were mature enough to have an impact on someone's views in the future. I was mature; I knew what I wanted in life, I'd had a bad beginning to the whole relationship world which leads to the fear of ever thinking about children. So many things could go wrong, including being left alone with a tiny human. I couldn't cope on my own.

A few years passed, and I was still at the young age of 17 when I met this lad. It wasn't anywhere spectacular, only at a bus stop. I was walking to a friend's house, and there he was casually waiting for a bus. We never spoke, but our eyes met and mine locked. I didn't want to look away, but I did. I had to; I realised he was with a female. She walked to his side and kissed him. It seemed like he wasn't happy with her action, but I knew what she was getting at. I was playing with fire. After what felt a lifetime but was merely seconds I carried on walking and from that day I felt different. He'd awoken something that was deep inside me, something I had never felt before, and that I will at no time feel again; I'd fallen in love. My emotions were everywhere; how anyone could have such strong feelings towards someone they didn't know and were unavailable was confusing. I couldn't get him out of my head, but I was at a dead end. I didn't even know the lad's name.

Weeks passed; I constantly thought of the lad and the more I did I knew I had to find him. He had a hold over me; I needed to get to know him. But where would I start? Later that night, I was at the friend's house, the one I was trekking to the day my life had got taken over by this most overwhelming emotion. She was getting ready to jump in the bath, so I asked her if I could go on my Facebook. She threw the phone to me then walked away. I had to go to her Facebook page to log her out, and while I was scrolling down I noticed a repetitive Facebook status. I felt sorry for the stranger; he was bored and wanted someone to talk; I decided to message him, and that's when everything changed. I clicked on to his profile and there was his face; I found the lad I saw at the bus stop. Suddenly I got really nervous, and I had a weird feeling at the pit of my stomach. I clicked on the message icon, and then I began.

“Hey, are you okay?"

I didn't know where to start, so I began with the simplest conversation starter.

"Yes, I'm fine, who's this?"

He wrote back, oh my god, he wrote back, what do I say now? My mind went blank. After a few minutes, I messaged him back.

"Um, you don't know me, my names Liz, and I'm using my friend's Facebook, and I'm guessing you've never spoken to her with your message response?"

“No, I've never spoken to her, and why are you using her Facebook? And if you're not the person in the profile picture again who are you?”

I was beginning to feel this was a lost cause. I understand him being sceptical, I could be anyone; but how do I tell him about someone he doesn't know? I knew I had to tell him. Here goes nothing.

"You very likely don't remember, and you're almost certainly going to think I'm weird for actually remembering, but we have met before only briefly, not even five minutes. You were at a bus stop near BP garage with your girlfriend. I'm the girl who stood there staring and then your girl kissed you."

My heart was pounding; how was he going to take this? I put the phone to the side. I doubt he's going to message back after that. I felt a lump forming in my throat. Oh god, don't even start crying over a stranger, what kind of madness was that? Minutes went past and no response. Well, I messed that up quick, I thought to myself. I rolled myself a fag, and as I went to spark it, my friend's phone pinged. Is that him? I asked myself. I barely had the energy to lift the phone. I opened the phone and there was his profile picture. Oh no, what's he put back? As I read the words, my heart stopped.

“I've finally found you!"

What could I respond to that with? He wanted me like I wanted him. But how? He has or had a girlfriend. The phone pinged again

“When I saw you at that bus stop, I instantly wanted you, when Nadine kissed me, it wound me up. I was on my way to her mum's to pick my stuff up because she ended it the night before when I was at hers, but when she saw us looking at each other, she got jealous and that's why she kissed me. On the way to her mums, she tried sorting things out; she tried saying she wanted me back but all I wanted was to find you."

Nadine, I knew that name, but where from? Then it clicked. She knew my ex-boyfriend and was trying to get with him when we were still together. I never liked her, and not once had I actually met her until at the bus stop. The phone pinged a third time

“Please message me back. I want to get to know you. I never stopped thinking of you. After I found out Nadine knew you I tried to get your name out of her, but she was having none of it. She was jealous that I wanted to be with you and not her.”

I finally managed to message back. My head was everywhere I was so confused, realizing this person I'd somehow fallen for wants me.

"What's your name? And yes, I knew of Nadine. I never met her until the day at the bus stop."

That's all I managed to write back. My mind was spinning, and I couldn't concentrate.

“I’m so glad you messaged back I was beginning to think I scared you off, and my names Johnpaul.”

Johnpaul, I repeated his name so many times around my head. The man I have fallen for was called Johnpaul. From that day, never a day went by we didn't speak. We'd be on phone talking to each other for hours, and it never got boring. We had been speaking for eight months now, and we hadn't met yet; well, since the bus stop. I was scared of meeting him. We were so close, and I didn't want to mess things up. I did that a lot. He was such a patient person never once did he pressure me into meeting him properly. He did ask, of course, but understood I wasn't ready. I was taking things slow. I really wanted things to work. One thing I loved about him is obviously we would flirt, but he never mentioned sex. He was a man with respect. After a while of thinking about eventually meeting him — because, in all honesty, I didn't want it to be a cyber relationship forever — I realised I was finally willing to meet him and see where the future took us.

"Hey babe, I'm willing for us to meet and go from there."

I felt relieved that I was going to meet the guy I loved.

"Awesome beautiful, is this weekend okay?”

Oh wow, that was only two days away. Am I ready for it that quick? Yes, I was.

“Sure baby, can't wait to meet you. See you in next few days. You will be meeting me at my friend's house, I will send you the address”

I can't believe I am finally taking things further.