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The Women Inside Me

by Serena 5 months ago in humanity
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Inner conversations, musings from an introspective afternoon

Incomplete - girl

There is a little thirteen year old girl inside me who says to me, "You don't need people. You don't need people and I know everything so listen to me!" I have to laugh at her confidence, and naivety although I feel her bristle with annoyance as I do. "The road gets tough when you don't have people around you," I say to her quietly.

She stays silent and I feel her mulling it over. "But why?" she asks eventually. I'm conscious of being gentle with her, conscious that she seems to be frozen in time, and also unaware of what it is that froze her. "Life is not always easy, and people can often act as a buffer for the hard times," I say to her gently. I feel her digest this, quickly, and then she asks with the resilience of a child, "but does that mean you have to NEED the people, can't we just have them around?"

I have to love her in this moment, and always. "I'm still trying to figure that out. I would like it your way, believe me. What I know right now is that more people in my life will likely make things easier and likely mean that we laugh more, and can share more, and will feel lighter. And learn more. We like learning things don't we?" I ask her. She waits not long before answering. "If people can bring you those things then why aren't you trying already?"

She seems a bit irritated with me. I have no answer for her. Not one that justifies the distance at which I keep myself from people. "Because I'm scared," I tell her. I can tell she doesn't know what to say, and that I'm start to lose her interest. "Why can't you just try a bit harder?" she asks. I can feel she is hurt, that she would do something that made her scared for me, without seeing me as an extension of herself, and that she expects the same in return.

"Okay," I tell her, "I'm sorry." I hug her and stroke her hair. "It's your job to bring me the things I want" she tells me reproachfully. I am amazed by the energy and confidence of this little girl. Although I can feel she both knows and trusts me, I can also feel that she trusts openly and would give to anyone. I am glad she was frozen, protected. I am glad that she was left behind. Quiet until now.

The pain had lifted as I spoke to her, and I realise that only as it edges back in. I have felt today.... Not confident enough. Scared of being hurt. Scared of emotional pain. Vulnerable. Confused. Distrusting. Low. Like I want to sleep. Foggy. Low energy, low motivation. Disconnected. Low concentration. My therapist keeps asking me where my tribe are, so much so that it has become something that frustrates us both when brought up.

I am reluctant to let people in. I have been hurt badly in the past, as many of us have, and although I have been aware to an extent of the trust issues I have, I was probably not aware of the intimacy issues as much. I have friends, occasional friends is probably what I would call them. Good friends, old friends, with whom I get on well and who are easy to talk to and who know me very well and I them. I say occasional friends because, we don't speak often; one lives close, I see her maybe every other month and the other two live further away.

My friends pool has decreased over the years, largely down to a relationship most did not agree with, and also due to my tendency to push people away, not let new people in, and isolate myself at times. People have tried, don't get me wrong, persistently, but for one reason or another the friendship has never lasted. The little girl inside me was a very good friend to people. People would fight over time to play with her in the playground.

Today I am also feeling.... Pain related to a man. And I am battling between feeling the feelings.. ones that I have not felt in so long, or listening to the rage inside me which is telling me not to let any more of my time or days be clouded by issues with males. Who is that rage, I wonder? I am hesitant to go near her. Scared of a part of myself..

Who are you?

I am you when you're 16.

My life is for me not for men. You shouldn't let these feelings cloud your time. You shouldn't lessen your own worth off the reaction someone else is or isn't giving you. Don't listen to them don't listen to what they think, do what makes YOU happy and if that doesn't fit with what they want leave them behind. You need sex not love. Respect, companionship.

Unless someone doesn't want you sexually you have no reason to feel sad and even then, because you're not what someone is attracted to, you know not to take that personally.

There are elements of rage from different periods coming in here... I feel them uniting inside me. It's quite wonderful to experience.

We don't want to have to conform to what any man wants, we don't want to have to be quiet and listen and reign ourselves in and be polite and respectful all the time. We are our own women and we want to live as such. Free. To do as we please without the disappointment of any man tainting the time that we spend in this world. Experiencing through glasses not rose tinted, not tinted with the blues and greys of a stormy sea, but tinted with the light of our own being. To be, to not be, to choose, to decide, to answer not to anything, to be swayed or dissuaded or restrained or caged at the worst... No not we.

The ferocity of this collective inside me humbles me. I feel them alongside each other, together but independent too, strong, supporting each other, electric energy flowing from each, angry, determined, ready, knowing. Unwavering. Un-fearing. Their energy makes me vibrate as they embody me, rising up together.

I've helped them to become this way, I'm sure. And now it's their time to help me. They are trying to lift me up, and I feel myself rising with them, supported, stronger, lighter. I feel their passion and fury, their fierce love for me, for us as a collective and themselves as independent women in their own right. For other women also.

We are not made to be by the side of men, they tell me.

We are not meant to stay quiet and subservient, opinionless, to be dressed as dolls and fucked as robots, not unless we choose to be this way.

Let yourself not be this way, they tell me.

They sense the fear that courses through me of being alone forever, too unruly and independent for any man. Forever without the physical touch of another, the fear would want me to believe.

Shhhhhh they tell me. Would you want not rather for yourself to be wild and free than caged and loved?

Would you rather not weave down the street alone and strong and proud and calm than almost run to keep up with someone else's strides, following their every move?

Would you rather not live as you choose, than compromise?

If the pay off is worth it, if you get enough needs met, if it makes you happy and brings you joy then yes share yourself. But do not give yourself away. Do not divide yourself and make one part dormant. Do not collar yourself. Wear a collar only when you ask for it to be put upon you, and choose for it so. When and if you want it so, to be removed at any time of your choosing.

As I let them be, and myself with them, and sense them realise I have accepted their words I feel their attention turn from me as they start to nurse their own pain, and nurse each others pain. I feel them tend to me, quietly, their murmurs in my ears. I feel them stroke my hair, kiss my forehead, press my shoulders, hands and feet, and those of each other. Some weep, some are still almost lifeless, some bow their heads. Some tend to their own pain by kissing the brow of another and lightening her load. There is no shame, no judgement, and again no fear. Just release,trust,and knowledge. Presence. Healing. Community; them carrying me, and me carrying them.

humanity

About the author

Serena

I love writing, reading, cooking, animals & herbalism. I'm very passionate about mental health, and helping people.

​​Thank you for reading <3 ​

If you find my content helpful you can support me here: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/serena941

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