The Whys and Why Nots of Exes Becoming Friends

Is befriending an ex a sign of maturity or a sign of comeback?

When you enter into a romantic relationship, breakups don't cross your mind. You always move around the ideas of love, companionship, and happy memories.

But these ideas are not tantamount to perfect relationships. Breakups are not inevitable. It happens for certain reasons. It happens because it needs to.

As time passes, you divert your attention and emotions to activities you have not done before. Sometimes, you spend time with the people you consider your constants.

At the end of the day, however, you need to do whatever it takes to move on.

One day, you will wake up without the feeling of anger towards the person that has caused you pain. You will feel renewed.

But does this mean that you're ready to mend your connection with your ex and remain as friends?

According to certified counselor and dating expert Jonathan Bennett, knowing that couples break up full of drama and discord, remaining as friends can be a sign of maturity.

However, Susan Elliott, author of Getting Past Your Breakup, said that becoming friends with an ex should not happen in an instant.

Now, learn the whys and why nots of maintaining friends with a past lover.

Reasons why exes can stay as friends

1. They were friends before becoming lovers.

Some couples started out as good friends, if not best of friends. They shared the same interests, hobbies, and so on. Eventually, they fell for each other.

Dr. Dana Wang, a licensed psychiatrist and relationship expert, states that our ex witnessed our past experiences, both good and bad. With that being said, it's difficult for us to cut off the person from our lives for the reason that our romantic relationship didn't work as expected.

2. They have a common circle.

If a couple’s relationship lasts long, they are bound to have mutual friends or common circles. As long as everyone in the circle is okay with them still hanging out together in the group, they can still be friends.

Relationship expert and spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport asserts that exes with mutual friends can remain on good terms as long as they have officially put a period in their relationship.

3. They have set boundaries.

Having boundaries in the relationship as ex-lovers needs to be demonstrated with respect. The former couple should provide limits as to what they can and can’t do.

There is no need for them to communicate nor see each other privately. Small talks together with other friends are enough to show the willingness to reach out and be on good terms.

4. They have kids.

If a former couple has kids, they should show a high level of maturity — disregarding the failed relationship — to portray their roles as co-parents of their children.

The kids must not be negatively involved in their hard feelings for they have no idea what has happened to them.

This way, the kids will still have the sense of a complete family regardless of their parents being separated.

Reasons why exes need to cut ties

1. They had an unhealthy, toxic relationship.

An unhealthy, toxic relationship covers a broad scope of factors. It can be unhealthy and toxic because it is manipulative, controlling, and abusive, and those are concrete reasons for exes not to maintain friendship after their breakup.

According to therapist Kimberly Hershenson, it is tough for someone to let go and completely heal from a toxic relationship. And if they remain as friends, the ex-partner will continue their toxicity in their friendship, knowing that they were together before.

2. They just recently ended their relationship.

Fresh wounds take time to heal. And by analogy, fresh breakups take one or both to completely move on. If they decide to remain friends despite the separation, it is hard for either of them to forget the memories they both shared when they were still together as a couple.

If they push themselves to remain connected as friends, it is hard to form and grow a new relationship in the future.

Jonathan Bennett explains that exes might think that they still have a chance of getting back together without realizing that it could complicate the situation even more.

3. They shared negative words about each other.

When the relationship ends in bad terms or both have grudges against each other, it is impossible for them to not share about what happened to their relationship with the people they trust. Naturally, they care to share the reason behind the breakup and even negatively describe their partner.

When they are overwhelmed by anger, sometimes, they expose each other's problems and secrets on the net, which can affect the dignity of the people involved.

In a clearer sense, the negativity explains why it is not ideal for them to remain as friends regardless of what they had before in their relationship.

When a Relationship Ends, Someone Better Will Come Along

It is never easy to deal with breakups, especially when you have looked forward to having a bright and happy future with the person.

It's hard to accept that a beautiful beginning can turn into a sorrowful ending.

You need to pick up the pieces and start a new chapter in life without the person you were used to being with.

As part of the process, you might need to revisit the happy memories you shared with your ex-partner, the places where sweet moments happened, the food trips you both enjoyed, and most importantly, the reason why you fell in love.

A group of researchers from Texas Christian University, led by psychologist Cathy Cox, promotes nostalgic reverie — remembering the good things about someone’s previous relationship. It helps boost one's mood and feeling of self-esteem, and it recognizes one's own identity.

The process may be long and painful, but that's how you can become stronger and more prepared as an individual.

So when the day comes that you've finally healed from your past relationship, you are holistically ready to meet the person who is destined to be a better lover for you.