The Warning Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Person

by: E.B. Johnson

It isn’t easy when we fall for an emotionally distant or unavailable person. Loving someone, we want them to return that love in-kind. That’s not always possible, though, when our partners are damaged by the past or scared of being vulnerable with us. Does your partner avoid real intimacy? Do they hide their former lives with you? Or avoid deeper connection by keeping things surface deep? The time may have come to admit that when it comes to emotions, your partner is totally unavailable.

The warning signs of an emotionally unavailable person.

The emotionally unavailable partner is distant, but more than that they are avoidant when it comes to deeper connection. In the most basic of terms, being emotionally unavailable refers to an inability to maintain emotional bonds or relationships. This usually manifests as distance, indifference, avoidance, and lack of commitment, which can become really destructive when it comes to our emotional investment in that person.

Avoidant or out-of-reach

Is your partner always just out of your reach? Maybe they use physical distance to keep themselves away from you. They’ll make excuses for dates or serious conversations because they’re “at the office” or “going out of town”. You may also notice that they ghost you. They may stop answering your calls or text messages. If you’re lucky, they do respond, but they take a long time to respond. Another tactic might involve maintains large space between hang-outs so you live in a state of limbo with what your relationship is.

Emphasizing the physical

The emotionally unavailable partner doesn’t find it easy to invest emotionally in someone, but that doesn’t keep them from enjoying physical relationships. What happens when you try to get your spouse or loved one to open up? When you try to get emotionally close to them, do they use sexual intimacy as a substitute or a distraction? Instead of having a serious conversation, they rush you to the bedroom and wipe away all concern by getting lost in physical intimacy instead. They focus on the sexual more than true vulnerability.

Weaponizing perfection

Perfection is one of the biggest excuses that the emotionally unavailable person uses in order to keep their walls up around them. They create this idea that every relationship must be magically perfect; that it must solve all their problems and heal all their ills. They invest in this idea as a sign of their “standards,” but these impossible standards are just more defense mechanisms. It provides them with the “eject” button they need. The minute their partner makes a mistake, they are free to walk away.

Avoiding the past

How much do you know about your partner’s past? It’s always a red flag when they don’t tell you anything about their past, or share any experiences that contributed to them meaningfully. We all have events behind us that shaped who we are and how we see relationships and the world. An emotionally distant person doesn’t like to expose their past, because that exposes a part of who they are. Their insecurities and vulnerabilities get put out in the open, and that’s something that they can’t tolerate.

Never opening up

The most common sign of an emotionally unavailable partner centers on their inability to open up to you. There’s no depth there, and there’s no willingness to let you in. These partners are not emotional with you, or emotionally vulnerable; everything is surface deep only. They don’t like to show you their sadness or moments of weakness. Instead, lots of humor is used. Indirect or inconsistent communication (bordering on sarcasm) is a trademark of the emotionally unavailable partner.

Failing to give support

Because distant partners are so at odds with their own emotions, they are also uncomfortable with their partner’s emotions. When you get upset or sad, they will discourage you from whatever reaction you have. They can’t support you when you’re having a hard time, both because this requires a closeness they aren’t comfortable with, and because it also requires effort and vulnerability, they don’t know how to provide. If you want someone to support you when times get tough…this isn’t the right person.

Avoiding commitment

The emotionally unavailable person struggles to commit in an authentic way. When things get serious, they might claim they are “overwhelmed” or “smothered” by getting closer to you or committing. They may run hot and cold with you. One minute they seem attached, and then the next minute they pull away. When things get too intimate, they run to protect their own emotions. Inevitably, you end up with patterns of commitment avoidance which hurt many people and destroy a lot of futures.

Giving little effort

Deep relationships are those in which the partners involved combine their efforts and their desires to create something they both value. To do that, our partners have to see us as we truly are; they have to witness our highs and our lows. The emotionally unavailable person can’t do that. They can’t transcend the surface deep relationship. As you build with them, you’ll notice they don’t put any effort into your relationship. Things go on autopilot, because that’s emotionally easier than really investing in someone and being yourself with them (risking rejection).

The best ways to handle an emotionally distant person.

Is your partner emotionally distant? Do they wall you off when it’s time to open up? Do they keep you at arm’s length so that they don’t have to show you who they really are? There are steps you must take in order to protect your own happiness. It begins with understanding and ends with making the hard choices that align with our ultimate happiness.

1. Build an understanding

There’s no denying the power of knowledge and understanding in dealing with relationship issues. The information is out there for dealing with a distant or avoidant partner. Once you dig into that information, you can see your partner in a new light and begin the shift to see your relationship for what it is. We can’t move forward calmly until we understand where we’re going and what we’re dealing with. We have to understand our partners, but also ourselves and the way we’re being affected.

Learn everything you can about emotional distance and where it comes from. More often than not, it’s a coping mechanism; a response to some trauma that taught this person it wasn’t safe to be vulnerable with others. Give yourself a better perspective by arming yourself with understanding. This makes responding with compassion far more realistic.

Understanding allows you to do more than respond with compassion to your partner or love interest, though. It allows you to see their behavior as it really is, and your own too. It’s a great way to protect yourself against the advances of future partners with the same distance. Learning is how we grow. Invest some time in learning more about emotional unavailability. By opening your eyes, you increase your chances of happiness and the degree of success with which you can communicate with your partner

2. Give yourself some love

A lot of the upset that comes from dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner stems from our over-reliance on them. So many put the full weight of their emotional happiness on their partner’s and that’s a massive burden to bear. If they aren’t already avoidant, it can make them pull away emotionally out of fear. Instead of looking to your partner to make you happy or “loved,” you need to spend some time fulfilling your own emotions and taking responsibility for the way you feel in life and relationships.

Nurture your own feelings. When a partner pulls away, it’s hurtful. You need to build up some boundaries around your emotional wellbeing. Do this by establishing emotional independence from your partner. Their inability to be vulnerable cannot become destructive in your own view of self and relationships.

Focus on maintaining your own emotional equilibrium when they pull away. Stop giving them power over the way you feel. If you need to, seek professional help. Talk it out and share what’s going on. A mental health or relationships expert can often help us identify better ways to lean in our self-esteem. This increase in self-confidence helps us separate our sense of self from the behaviors of our partners. Their distance isn’t your fault. Our emotions are our responsibility to attend to.

3. Don't go into management mode

When we have emotionally distant partners, it often encourages us to respond by going into management. This occurs when we over-tend to our partner’s needs. Seeing them pull away, you overcompensate by going above-and-beyond to make them happy (or pull them back toward you). In the long run, this usually serves to burn you out and push them away. It’s not an efficient way to get them to open up, and it doesn’t inspire confidence or affection.

Avoid going into management mode when your partner pulls away, or hides behind negative emotions that push you away. You can’t manage your partner’s emotions — and you shouldn’t need to. They are an adult, and they are just as capable (and responsible) as you are for handling the way they feel and react.

Instead of catering to them, look to yourself. How are you feeling? What effect is their behavior having on your emotions? Manage your own reaction. Don’t work doubly hard to bring them back to you. Don’t try to impress them or make yourself more “worthy” of your acknowledgement. It will not happen. Leave them to manage their affairs and look to your own. You need to be more serious about where things are going to go next. You’ve got to consider what investment you’re really willing to make with this person.

Putting it all together…

It’s not easy when we fall for someone who is emotionally unavailable. These spouses and love interests are a real challenge, opting for avoidance and dismissal over genuine connection and vulnerability. It’s important to be honest when we’re dealing with this kind of intimate relationship. We have to protect ourselves with the emotionally unavailable partner and the relationship we’re struggling to find love in.

Understand where emotional unavailability comes from and arm yourself in understanding so you can respond compassionately to your partner or spouse. This shift in perspective helps you identify your needs so that you can nurture your own emotions for a little while. Avoid going into management mode for your loved one. It’s not your responsibility to bring them out of their shell or heal them. Encourage them to be better, but know that you can’t change them. Seek your own healing and self-discovery instead. Confront your enabling behaviors and question what leads you into distanced and avoidant relationships. If things can’t be prepared, be realistic, and have the courage to walk away toward greater happiness.

• Saunders, H., Kraus, A., Barone, L., & Biringen, Z. (2015). Emotional availability: theory, research, and intervention. Frontiers In Psychology, 6. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01069
• Wachs, K., & Cordova, J. (2007). Mindful Relating: Exploring Mindfulness and Emotion Repertoires in Intimate Relationships. Journal Of Marital And Family Therapy, 33(4), 464–481. doi: 10.1111/j.1752–0606.2007.00032.x