The Unavailable Man
The love of your life isn't always who you end up with.
To all the woman who have loved or are in love with the unavailable man.
This is for you.
No one ever sets out to fall for someone who isn't available, but it happens.
I don't know your story, but I'm here to share mine. I hope it brings you some part of the advice or the peace that you are looking for...god knows I could have used some.
So this is where it began—this is the brutal truth and the real story. We don't all get our happy endings. The signs are there sometimes we just choose to ignore them.
I started a job just working through an agency on a construction site, just a basic admin role and I met a man, his name was Danny. Danny is not necessarily someone you would pick out of a crowd and actually I couldn't stand him at first, we had bitchy banter—yes your typical playground tactics which I was blissfully unaware of. We became good friends, we got close (I wont bore you with the details of our journey of getting to know each other) but what he never mentioned in the six months of us being friends was that he had a girlfriend. When I found out I was mad... but for the life of me I couldn't figure out why and one day I just woke up and I realized. Me and Danny had a mutual best friend on site. We used to be like the three musketeers (cheesy I know) but every love story is at least a little cheesy. Anyway his name was Ray, when I realized how I felt about Danny I told Ray, he said he knew everyone knew and that you could see he does too but I should never tell him.
Danny went to Disneyland Paris with his girlfriend, the girlfriend he had been with for seven years. The relationship he hid from me for six months, he may not of lied but he definitely did hide it. When he returned from Disney, he brought me back a present and Ray had handed his notice in...that's when I knew I couldn't stay there. Despite his advice, Ray was away one day—I pulled Danny in to the meeting room and I told him. I told him I was leaving, he pleaded with me to stay. I then told him why I couldn't. I told him I had feelings for him and he has a girlfriend, I needed to leave. I didn't want to get in the middle of his relationship. I didn't just have feelings for Danny, I knew with no doubt in my mind that I loved him. A pure kind of love, a selfless love, a love I would carry in my heart for all my life. Danny pleaded with me to stay, and part of me wanted to, but I couldn't. The next day I left, I cried and he walked with me to the gate, he held me in his arms and we said goodbye.
However that was not the end of our story, we talked every day after I left for 4 weeks. We wasn't ready to let each other go, but the more we held on the deep we fell, though he never really said, I knew. I saw him at Ray's leaving drinks, this is where I got drunk and had an argument with him. I argued with him on purpose, I didn't want him to be in a position where he took a chance and we didn't work out, I didn't want to ruin his life a life I didn't belong in and him to blame me for that. That was the day I lost the love of my life and my best friend, its a weird feeling to lose someone who was never really yours...even though I was his.
Danny blocked me that night. It was for the best I thought, but a couple of months ago (this would be just over a year after this all happened) he unblocked me. He came back, he admitted his feelings, he said what I wanted to hear...but he was still with her. One night he was drunk and he asked to see me, I said no. Not because I didn't want to see him, but I wanted him to make that decision sober, the love I had for him never went away it just dulled but just because I loved him doesn't mean I would compromise my morals or my worth and just like that a few weeks later he changed his mind. He put me back in a situation I walked away from a year ago, but girls I walked away again. You should always walk away from someone who chooses to love you behind closed doors. You are worth more, and if you walked away once you sure as hell can do it again, even if it almost killed you the first time. I hope some of you find the courage to if you haven't already.
You are worth more than to be a second choice, sure his feelings never went away if he came back...but I'm not going to hold onto that, I am not going to be the girl who waits for him to leave, because I don't care what he feels for me, if he absolutely wanted to be with me he would, he wouldn't let fear get in the way, you take the risk or you loose the chance.
An unavailable man, is an unavailable man, and even if he left...if he left her for me, who's to say he wouldn't leave me for someone else. Either way, when an unavailable man is involved, there is never going to be a happy ending. Happy endings aren't always happy endings...they are always just the beginning of something new. So girls, I wish I could tell you we ran off into the sunset and lived happily ever after but we didn't. My story ends with me on my own, walking away from a life I didn't want. You don't want a love you have to question, you want the ground breaking earth shattering love, and believe me that is not possible to have with someone who belongs to someone else. It would never work.
So I'll leave you with this—I once read, ''You were a beautiful time in my life, and if that's all you'll ever be then that's okay. Not all art is destined to hang on the same walls forever.'' This speaks volumes.