The Song That Reminds Me of You

I’m driving on the highway with my Apple music on shuffle. The songs effortlessly change from one to the next. I’m more focused on my surroundings than I am actually listening to the music until our song comes on. My attention from the road fades as I realize what has just come on. In that very moment memories begin to flashback through my head like an old film. They’re all happy memories, but they only leave me with emptiness knowing I will never have that again. Memories of the stupid things we did together or the weird trends I joined in on because of you. I playback in my head the conversations that made me smile. They make me smile again as they pass through my brain but tears stream down my face because I know this is over. As I’m watching the road tears begin to fill my eyes because I physically can't make myself change the song. As much as I know I have to, part of me wants to hear it. I want to remember the good times because soon I will decide to shut them out entirely. Because that’s what I do right? I can only handle the pain of my own emotional suffering for so long until I begin to block out memories or manipulate them in my brain.

I figure if I can’t remember it then it can’t hurt me, but shutting parts of my life out isn’t healthy either. Part of me knows it was never going to work ever since the beginning, but another part of me strives to fix the broken. Maybe all along I was trying to fix the wrong things. I was trying to fix the things that I thought were broken. Maybe I was the broken one after all. Maybe I should’ve been trying to fix myself instead of focusing all of my energy on you, especially when I received nothing from you in return. To you I could’ve only been a small chapter of your life, but I wanted to make you mine. I’m the one that can’t breathe when I think about us and what we could’ve been. You’re the one that doesn’t seemed bothered by the idea of losing me. I’m the one that feels lost. Not because of you, but I have to learn to find myself again. I lost that when I was learning to love you. I get caught up in the idea of love and forgot what it is that I truly want. I love the idea of love. I guess every girl does but we get so focused on the wrong aspects of it that we don’t see when a relationship is broken from the start. We constantly have a sliver of hope that things will change, things will get better. But they never do. The hardest part is finding someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them. Someone who isn’t capable of loving.

So here I am driving alone in my car, tears streaming down my face, reminiscing memories I never knew I’d miss so much. Finally the song comes to an end and I thought that meant my sadness would too. I was utterly wrong. I have to pull off to the side of the road because the tears begin to block my view. I’m sure you’re fine right now, but this is affecting my life. You’re altering my life without even being in it anymore. I’m gasping for air as I sob louder. I think to myself that crying helps us heal but in the end we’re all just a bunch of objects carrying around sad souls waiting for acceptance by the one person we fell in love with. Some people find that, but most of us die without that gratification of loving another that loves us back.