The Root of My Heart

The things we value most in life stem from a place of happiness, a past time that was so wonderful we hold onto with a smell or a specific color or a song that'll help us to remember those happy moments. We carry on family traditions because in those moments we were at our happiest. Those treasured moments that are rooted deep in your soul, they're weighted in your heart and will forever be there like a stuck anchor on a ship.

People ask us what our favorite color is or what our favorite song is but rarely do they ask why. I think it's so beautiful to see a genuine smile come across someone's face when you ask them the story behind why they like something. It's pure and rare and their entire face just lights up because you've made them remember a good time in their life.

I had a really rough childhood, but the few good memories I do have are the core of who I am and why I do the things I do. My mom was never a supporter of my dreams, but anytime she needed help writing a poem or a letter, she always asked me for help so it encouraged me in a way. My love for music comes from living in a chaotic household that would come to a halt anytime a good song came on; we all forgot about our issues and we would just sing and vibe together. Nobody has ever asked why I like the color blue, but it's because my mom's favorite place was the ocean and her eyes were just as blue as the sea. People want to know things about us but don't really care to know why or where it stems from.

As horrible as my mother was to me as a child, I craved her love, and I didn't get it until I was an adult, but everything I did or liked was because I wanted so badly for her to love me. Those small moments that we enjoyed together are huge memories in my book, they're weighted deep in my core and to some they seem silly but to me they're my entire being.

I'm not a sharer, I don't like to tell my secrets to anyone, and I hate to share my best memories with anyone because I feel like they won't mean anything once I've shared it. These memories mean something to me, they're the root of my heart and my heart is completely guarded. No one is worthy of my memories until they are. I've never been comfortable sharing myself with anyone, especially the stories behind the things I love the most. I think if someone is willing to strip the layers of armor they wear to protect their heart, and allow their true selves to show then I'd be more comfortable dropping my guard and allowing someone in. But people aren't like that anymore, everyone is guarded and protected. They shield themselves from showing their roots. It's not that they're ashamed of where they come from it's that they don't want it to be ruined or watered down. They want to keep it in its rarest form. These memories stay pure because they're untold, but sharing life experiences and our likes and dislikes is what makes us human and allows us to show a piece of our hearts, it allows us to be human and vulnerable for a moment.

We all have good and bad memories from life and all those moments shape us into who we are but it's the most protected moments we treasure the most that are the center of our personality, they're the root of our hearts and reasons for living. Those special moments are the ones I crave to know the most. I want to feel the excitement you have from telling me why you like or do certain things, I wanna know the stories behind your entire existence. The moment someone opens up to me in this way I desperately want them to feel the same and ask me about my memories, but it rarely happens that way. People want to talk about themselves but never want to know about you. This is why when someone is genuinely interested in knowing me I feel like it's a lie and they're not really interested so I shut down and protect my heart from being exposed.

Roots are meant to be protected and in the ground where they cannot be harmed, and my memories are rooted in my heart so they'll forever stay there, unexposed and untouched. They'll continue to keep me going in life and keep me grounded, they'll continue to protect my heart and keep it from ever being hurt by unwanted guests.