The Problem with Romanticising Relationships

Kissing in the rain, confessions of undying love at 3 am while throwing rocks at your window and running through the airport to tell them how you feel (not to mention the hours upon HOURS of sensual, passionate sex every day). Despite being something straight out of a Nicholas Sparks film, this is how many of us shape our views on what ‘true’ love should look like.

After being single for 3 years, I met my current partner (as the cliche goes) when I least expected it, and we have been dating for just over a year - our newfound relationship survived through a global pandemic. But after the initial butterflies started to fade, anxiety started to set in. He shows romance through making me a nice dinner or writing me little notes, but he doesn’t ever whip out a guitar to serenade me (despite being unable to play the guitar). We often have amazing sex, but it doesn’t last to the wee hours of the morning until we finally fall exhausted into each other’s arms (Sorry if you’re reading this, mum!) And he makes me laugh like no one else does, but doesn’t give me butterflies every time he smiles at me.

Although I put up a strong, boss-ass exterior, I’m actually a hopeless romantic who cries every time I watch The Notebook. So, when I suddenly realised that my relationship didn’t involve love letters written to me every day for a year (I know, the audacity!), I started to panic. “Do I not love my boyfriend anymore if I don’t always get butterflies when I see him” and “is it bad that I don’t feel like a clingy, obsessed girlfriend” were just some of the questions that I ACTUALLY googled (I wish I was lying). You see, I had found myself in a relationship that wasn’t an exact match of Allie and Noah, or the other girls around me that couldn’t spend a minute apart from their partner and doubt reared it’s ugly head.

I started to worry that it was wrong to not feel the way that relationships are portrayed in movies or songs or through my friend’s relationships and that something must be wrong. My poor bloke - I remember telling him some of my concerns and I honestly thought he was going to drop me off at the closest asylum. More specifically, I remember saying to him that I didn’t feel how one of my girlfriends described her relationship and he just looked at me and said “so”?

So? SO?!! I couldn’t believe he was asking that. Why wasn’t he freaking out? Why wasn’t he hiring a string quartet immediately to tell me his feelings through song, or sending me a giant Costco teddy bear to work? Because - and this is what I’ve now come to realise - today’s society depends so heavily on what we see and hear to tell us how our relationships SHOULD be. As soon as the honeymoon phase starts to wear off and the dates and cute little gestures used in the courting process slowly start to evaporate, our bodies and minds often start to see this as a sign of falling out of love, or a failing relationship, when there is more to it.

Increasing divorce rates around the world prove that plenty of us are thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, and in this age of technology, TV and Tinder, when how we feel stops fitting our idea of what a ‘perfect’ relationship looks like, we look for a fix. Just because our partner isn’t acting like a relationship we saw on tv, or a song we heard on the radio, that doesn’t mean we’re not in love. Just because the initial ‘spark’ we first felt upon meeting has become less intense or has fizzled out that doesn’t mean we don’t care any less. We become so paranoid that as soon as our relationship feels ‘different’ or ‘boring’ that must mean that we aren’t with the right person. Sometimes this is true, but sometimes, we are shallow in thinking that there is more or ‘better’ out there. You’ve probably seen the saying that falling in love is an accident, but staying in love is a choice, and I 100% agree. Staying in love is choosing to love the person that you have found. Underneath all of the things that originally swept you off your feet, there is a person with flaws and habits – just like you. When you first started dating, you may have thought that your partner was perfect, and that there was nothing they can do wrong. Now, you might look at them cutting their toenails on the coffee table and think with a sigh ‘Noah would never put his manky toes on the table in front of Allie – maybe I am with the wrong person’. This mindset is often where people go wrong. Instead of learning to love and accept everything that might not fit their ‘ideal’ relationship, they assume that they are with the wrong person and they leave.

Then the vicious cycle continues.

You never see these things at the start, because you’re in a happy cloud known as the honeymoon phase. You have to realise though – you have these other habits and traits about you as well. So many people say “I’d be happy if my partner did this” which in reality leads to seeking fulfillment from other places, whether it be alcohol, gambling or another person. You can temporarily feel like you’ve fallen in love with someone else, but you’ll eventually cycle back around.

This is where you choose to decide on LOVE. Relationships take work. They are hard, time-consuming, strenuous and can challenge you every day. But Ladies – just because they don’t build you a house from scratch (Noah style), doesn’t mean you’re with the wrong person and should move on. Staying in love is a CHOICE.