The Perfect Outfit

Correct me if I’m wrong, but is it not a fact that many have said confidence is sexy? That a person who knows them self, can carry on an amusing, intelligent conversation brought on by their undeniable confidence is attractive? I’m sure I’ve heard and read that in more than one place.

I don’t know if it’s the empowerment that comes with age, or if it’s just having had both positive and negative experiences around what I wear, but I now can see the comfort and power that comes from feeling good about how we present ourselves. For many of us the perfect outfit or a dress, hat or pair of boots can make us feel good enough to enhance our confidence and then begin the cycle of “attractiveness”.

Example: I buy the perfect top to go with a skirt I’ve been dying to wear but couldn’t match with anything I own. The anticipation of going out in public in this new ensemble has me excited and when I put it on I simply glow. It’s not all cleavage or tight or see through…the skirt is not so small it could be mistaken for a headband. But putting something on that fits me to a T, adds some colour to my cheeks and makes me stand just a bit taller, does something to my confidence level that I suddenly become a daring and witty conversationalist, even in my most anxious situations. This, by the way, is the equation that equals the “perfect” outfit. It’s about how it makes US feel.

What does not make me feel sexy, cool or poised is when a man says things to me like “you should wear tighter clothes” or “how would anyone even know what your body looks like when you dress like that?” or my favourite “I bet you have great tits under that shirt”. What does one do with the underlying, manipulative tone of statements like that? These are literally just a few things that have been spoken to me in my life and not in a nightclub or off hand situation…I’m talking well-meaning boyfriends, male friends, and people I barely know around the table at intimate dinner parties. These are the thoughtless declarations that have taken my perfect outfit glow and in turn suctioned the perfume scented, radiant aura directly from my self-esteem. Somehow by not portraying myself in a revealing manner that could be viewed as sleazy by some but rather taking a more classic approach of covering my lady parts, had ignited “you’re doing it wrong” thoughts for a number of different Neanderthals. It has affected them so much that they felt the burning need to say it out loud…and let’s be honest here, the less covered version would have generated its own negative comments that we know so well.

I know this might sound opposite to what you think women normally would hear in regards to their clothing, but in fact anything stating opinion around our bodies or what we want to put on them in any manner other that positive, is one that should be kept under wraps. Let me be clear, any woman that chooses to wear clothes that do reveal her figure not only has every right to do so but I encourage it if that is her version of the perfect outfit…if she is doing it for herself and not because she feels she is “supposed” to. This will be cheered on and whole heartedly supported by the right people…and even if it’s not, it is her prerogative and choice to wear what makes her feel beautiful and fierce. No one else gets a say in that.

My personal style…if I in fact have one…likely cannot be completely defined by one or two words, but I can say that it is not always revealing. I likely do not fit into one mold and if you asked my friends how they would describe my look, the outcome would depend entirely on who you ask. One or two would say “she looks like a hippy”, many others boho. I have one friend that literally says “try not to dress all woodsy” when prepping for a night out, in reference to plaid. I have some friends that are convinced I have a strong fashion sense, even good taste and others that would laugh so hard at that, they’d choke on their prosecco. If you ask my mom the word “tailored” would definitely come up. Truthfully I’m happy with all of this and love that I can bounce around depending on my mood, and never feel boxed in or tied to one design. Now in my 40’s, I find that my taste has become more about what I like in fashion and less about what will get me attention. I feel like I look “hotter” when I’m more put together and feeling more comfortable, which sometimes for me, means less exposed. There was a time in my life when I did wear things that I thought would please men even if it made me feel less like myself and went against what worked best for me. This no longer applies and hasn’t for years. In fact it annoys me that I wasted so much time being untrue to me.

Strangely even when I think I’m being risqué it’s still not enough as far as those in the “reveal more” camp are concerned. I like a plunging neckline but still don’t go very tight. I’ll wear that mini skirt but it will come with a flowy top or maybe a kimono. Basically it’s usually one or the other for me, rarely both. This is not a rule by any means, but seems to be my comfort zone, which is most important, and makes me feel like I’m following the wise philosophy of leaving something to the imagination. The problem being, I’ve learned a number of men don’t have much creative vision when it comes to body parts nor do they appreciate having to use what little is there, on the fly…if they can’t see it or touch it, it doesn’t exist.

Here’s another scenario. A while back I was casually seeing someone. He used to compliment me on my style, I think even appreciate that I did my own thing and he had to work for it a bit. Until one day he said “you should dress sluttier”. Actually he didn’t “say” it he typed it because you can only “lol” to soften a comment like that via text. My response was of course “well that’s not really me and I don’t really own anything like that”. (I do own it, but only for the right person in the right situation.) Completely oblivious to the full answer, he offered to take me shopping. Win, win right?! Not exactly, as the thought of someone not appreciating who you are the way you thought they did, stings a bit. Knowing they want to change you even in a slight manner is a bit deflating. Hey…I’m all for dressing down in the right context if you know what I mean, but won’t be wearing the same outfit out for dinner to make you feel like the pimp you wish you were.

Quite honestly, if a woman is looking for affirmation or a compliment from someone, it means more to us coming from a fellow female or at least someone with a sense of fashion, whether they identify as female or not. There is something so divine about women who can appreciate and honour style in others. Genuine praises from people with taste often don’t include words like “tits” or “slutty” unless they’re coming from close friends or anyone on RuPaul’s Drag Race…in which case those words make fantastic emphasis and I will walk away feeling quite delighted. Trust me when I say we know the difference. Getting a compliment from another woman saying something like “you look fantastic in that dress” means so much more than a random man saying “your nips look great in that shirt”. My fear is that a lot of men can’t see the distinction in those two statements. Even worse than that, some of them think it’s a compliment; they’ve been raised to believe this and balk at the fact that we may be offended or hurt by such comments. Many of us will think of this when we hear such things and of course then brush it off, assume it was an effort to be sweet and just smile as to not offend or embarrass in return. Hmmm. I guess it’s a really fine line when it comes to these conversations and in a gross way I hesitate to even put this out there on the off chance that someone might actually be offended. Even though I remember how awkward, hurt and uncomfortable every one of these situations made me feel.

Truth be told, in a serious, committed relationship if my boyfriend said “Your ass looks amazing in those jeans” I’d not only be flattered but also excited and a bit turned on. The difference is not the words, it’s the relationship! There is security and respect in a loving partnership that completely allows for these remarks if it’s something that works for both parties. I think it’s safe to say that in many cases the same feelings do not exist when someone you’ve just met at a dinner party, feels the need to comment on your breast size…sorry, the size of your rack. There’s very few non-confrontational things we can say or do when put on the spot like that so often we make a joke, give them the info their looking for or just meekly crawl back into our shell. If you’ve ever had someone stare deeply into your nipples while speaking, you’ll know exactly what I mean.

I no longer feel offended by these comments, but this is only because I choose not to be. I’m fully aware that the observations that created these opinions were not from a well-meaning place. However, I also realize that they have absolutely no clue about fashion or what it can do for a person, nor do they care. They don’t glow like we do, they don’t charm like we do and they certainly don’t have the inner confidence that we can summon when needed. Do I feel sorry for them? I don’t know, maybe…I mean they are incredibly pathetic in the way they think these words give them supremacy over us. I think it’s more like a feeling of sadness though, that they can’t see the beauty beyond the boobs…can’t appreciate the splendour and are just missing out on what we really have to offer.

It’s a well-known fact that many of us struggle just to be comfortable in our own skin, let alone in the latest fads, out in the world for all to see. That being said, there truly is something to that spot-on item of clothing or accessory that brings out our shine, assists our self-assurance and even gives us the nudge we need to relax and have the fun we deserve. I believe that whatever it takes to encourage us to glimmer like the stars we are, we should wear with pride and never be made to feel ashamed of no matter what it looks like. There is so much power behind women’s fashion. When something feels good it can change our entire outlook no matter who is paying attention. We, of course know that the actual strength is already well within each of us. We just prefer to sport something fabulous to accompany our power while we sparkle on life’s runway.