The Other Side of Selfishness

Did you grow up being told you are selfish? I did. The wagging finger and the "Shame on You" from a misguided adult is a vivid memory. I knew viscerally, the feeling of guilt in my body each time I was accused of selfishness or putting myself or my needs ahead of someone else's. Guilt did not feel good then and it doesn't feel good now.

I snicker at the irony of having chosen one of the most selfish professions of all. I'm a writer. It's as though I'm reaching back in time and giving all those who shamed me a finger.

I want to make clear that I do not condone anyone whose selfish actions bring harm to others. Not okay. The kind of selfishness I support is what is needed to generate internal joy and in turn, is of value to others.

Old stuff

I grew up watching my mother put herself last because she believed she had no choice. That was her lot. The woman's lot. And while she put others first, she did a lot of yelling and slamming of doors. There were countless packs of smokes and the muscle in her cheek pulsed from morning until night. She made sure we all knew how hard she worked and God help you if you sat around being lazy, while she ran around cleaning, cooking, and organizing.

I don't think she was a happy woman. I don't think she knew what brought her joy.

Present stuff

Today, I like to tell myself I know better. I know that feeling joy is a precursor to being happy. I know that unless I give to myself first, unless I practice a modest level of selfishness, I'll fall prey to old resentments and succumb to martyrdom.

Any time I start feeling disgruntled, edgy, annoyed, or irritated; when I lose sight of my value and begin to look outside of myself to feel something, I know I need to practice selfishness.

Know your reasons

Anyone who has reached a level of creative success knows it takes selfishness to get there. There is no doubt in my mind that the likes of Martin Scorsese, David Lynch, Freda Kahlo, Marie Curie, and Margaret Attwood made a practice of it. Without being able to say no to others and yes to themselves first, they would not have been able to create the masterpieces in their field of art and science.

I am selfish with the time I take to write, brainstorm ideas, do research, publish, and promote myself. I am selfish when I go on solitary walks to clear cobwebs from my head and hear inspiration. All that could look pretty selfish to the outside observer.

Are you selfish or self-centered?

Selfishness is putting myself first and saying no. A lot! Self-centeredness is a milder version of selfishness. It means I focus first on myself so that I can be there for others. Selfishness and self-centeredness are the opposite sides of the same coin. One can't exist without the other.

I resent interruptions when I am in creative flow. I write first thing in the morning when the chances of being interrupted are few. Sometimes, when my writer's brain is whirring at top speed, I have difficulty giving my full attention to whoever is talking to me.

Being a writer requires a truckload of selfishness. I have to be a ninja in setting and maintaining boundaries. I have to be comfortable with saying no to my loved ones and seeing the disappointment on their faces. I have to be able to see the long-term value of putting myself first.

Selfishness as a gateway to joy

The byproduct of doing what I like, even if it has no benefit to anyone else, is internal joy.

When I feel joy, I exude it. It becomes contagious. Like the sweet smell of a rose blossom, it wafts and invites others to get closer and catch a whiff. When I live in my joy, others feel free to do the same.

Two steps forward one step back

There are times when I buy into the self-sacrifice program and forget my joy.

When I notice myself reverting to old behaviors, I imagine the little girl inside me who's still scared of being judged as selfish for doing what feels good. I imagine her hands are bound by the old program.

The grown-up version of me comes to her and unties the old belief from around her wrists. I re-assure her she is free to do what brings her joy. I tell her I have her back. I am gentle with her. I remind her the happiness she feels when she does something just for herself, is a valuable gift for others. It drives the curmudgeons away and brings close those, who want to smell the roses with her.

Go ahead. Give guilt the heave-ho. Set those boundaries. Say no to others and yes to you. Make time for yourself and for what sparks the light in you. Be a little selfish and celebrate the amazing human that is You.

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First published on Medium.