The "Nice Guys" That Aren't Nice

Incel, involuntarily celibate. Volcel, voluntarily celibate. MGTOW, Men Going Their Own Way. For almost 30 years these terms have been floating around, primarily on the internet, where individuals who identify as such can more easily connect. They throw out terms like 'Chad' and 'Stacy', frequently claim "feminism is a cancer", and can be found bemoaning their lack of sex life as if intercourse was a magic wand that could solve all their problems. The term Incel was brought from the depths of 4chan forums and obscure secret Facebook groups on April 23rd, 2018, when a man in Toronto, Ontario drove a rented van through the North Yorke City Centre business district, killing 10 people and injuring 16 more.

Though many Incels may never be capable of committing such atrocities, the mentality that man later blamed for his actions is rife with troubling ideologies that are much more prevalent than many may assume. I'm talking about the "Nice Guys", who rarely turn out to be as they advertise themselves.

You may already have a person you know in mind when those words come up. A friend perhaps, usually male, often socially awkward with some obscure interests and hobbies, who just can't seem to find themselves a special someone. As time goes on and their pursuits continue to be unfruitful, you hear them begin to speak more bitterly about the people they are or have previously been attracted to, claiming the person was "shallow" or "just not smart enough to Get Me". You see patterns developing in their strings of failures, and begin to think "The problem isn't the other people".

For some their experience with an Incel is at the receiving end of their affections. Inboxes with message after message of generic compliments dressed up as Shakespeare with overly flattering vocabulary, claiming to be such a gentleman and only interested in your mind, yet your appearance is brought up more and more frequently as the conversation continues. Many often tire of the charade and rightfully decline the Incel's advances, which almost inevitably is responded to with anger, threats, insults, and the classic "Well you're (insert generic negative quality here) anyway, so no one's going to want you". However some decide to give these "Nice Guys" a chance; spoiler alert, they more often than not regret it.

It starts out simple enough. You get the compliment bombing, maybe it's been a while since someone was that nice to you. They seem to want to talk with you a lot, that kind of attention can be very flattering. They seem to be genuine, and maybe even a truly decent person, so you give them a shot. It may only take one date, it could be months in, but sooner or later they show their true colors. They may start using guilt to coerce you into being intimate (but I love you, you love me right? Come on I don't understand why you're being so difficult); begin trying to isolate you from your friends or monopolize all of your time; or start trying to impose some very outdated gender roles upon you. All of these things are done to give them power over you, your body, your social life, even your career. Any time you call them out for imbalance of respect in the relationship, or try to make time for yourself or friends, they pull the classic "You just don't love me enough" excuse. This manipulation continues until you've finally had enough and end it.

But it's not over. Not until they get bored, or a court order.

These people will not. Let. It. GO. You block their number or social media profile, they get new ones. You create new profiles or change your number, they get access to it from friends or even family who still like them, maybe who even thought you were good together. They come by your house or even your job unannounced and unwelcomed. They buy you "gifts" trying to entice you back, and get angry when those gifts are refused, because they were "just being nice" right? For some, a court order is required to drive the point home that it's over, it's done, move on.

It's very easy to fall into the emotional traps these people set. It can be easy to dismiss claims made by any former partners they have, as the Incel has usually set up a narrative of all their exs being awful deceitful people who just used them or cheated on them. All their friends said they were SO nice, and just had bad luck with previous relationships. Anyone who spoke against them before they true nature was revealed was labelled as a "hater" or "jealous of what we have" and accused of simply trying to put a wedge into the relationship, instead of the cold reality of that person trying to save you from getting in too deep. The important thing to keep in mind is that it is NOT your fault, or your problem; it's entirely theirs. There are many red flags for this kind of controlling and abusive behavior, and there are many organizations available to help anyone stuck in a dangerous relationship get their freedom back. I myself have fallen into these traps a few times, you can get out of them again, you just have to find your courage and fight for it.

If you have a personal story of a past relationship like this, please leave it in the comments, venting is very therapeutic and it's comforting knowing you're not alone.