The nice guy perspectives
Abusive Relationships:From a friend's POV
As a male, a gentleman/weeb/nerd i'd call myself it's well known that I play the "long game" as you would call it in dating with women. And as any nice guy knows we put the time in, we listen, wait for you, respect your relationships and ideas, and sometimes fawn over any woman that gives us interest...And also any nice guy will tell you that we've all heard the stories from our girlfriends of abuse and thing is...it f***ing hurts and sucks, especially when we have feelings for that said person, so what do we do?
Sometimes we deal with friends who show up to meetings (if they're allowed to show up at all) with bruises on their arms, black eyes, and broken lips. It immediately sinks into our hearts, we ask, "why do you put up with that? why don't you leave him?" and we're told the same responses. Things like, "it was my fault/I started it/I antagonized him/he isn't always like that/etc." And obvious truth be told is no guy should ever lay a hand on a woman (really anyone for on that point). But that never helps, it doesn't push to leave, and it won't stop them from going back to him/her. If anything it will sometimes lock them into the person even more when they make a stand.
Physical aside, the really bad ones are the manipulatively abusive ones, the ones that play mind games like gas-lighting the individual, guilt tripping them, victimizing their every move. And worse than that the people that will be both, making the person stuck in a state of fear of leaving the individual, and even when they get out they will be traumatized by the individual through EVERY relationship they have in the future. It's disgusting.
Us nice men/women will even see the red flags or warning signs and still pursue these friendships/relationships because we care deeply. Whether that care stems from the insecurity to help or because we're genuinely good people with love in our hearts to give. We want to help, we try to help, we fantasize about harming your abuser, even killing your abuser. But wouldn't that just make it worse if we're even capable?
We want to help you so bad, enough to the point we will sacrifice our time, money, heart just to see a smile or a laugh on your face. We want you to be happy, with us or without us, but of course not with him. We want you to understand that he or she is a bad person, that hitting you or manipulating you is not OK. Love should not hurt. You should not be crying yourself to sleep nightly, scared to talk to anyone, or afraid to set the person off with anything that you do. You should never have to make every decision in your life in fear of what your significant other might do to you...
I've been a mental health specialist and unfortunately "gifted" with a hero complex, meaning I want to save everyone that I can, even at the expense of my health or life. It will lead me to date or befriend men/women with massive insecurities of abuse/molestation/rape which I will happily try and help them. Ways like forming coping strategies, creating goals, and build up their confidence to the point they can live life without those traumas and find their true potential. Many now friends are happy in new loving relationships, exploring their potential, and growing themselves still and brings me joy seeing them. But some still sink back down.
Please if this article speaks to you in a way you feel its you, or someone you know, show it to them. I will write another on strategies and ways of dealing with abuse, and another article on why the ones being abused put up with the pain; the traumas that led them to accept such awful relationships. If you have something you need off your chest, please contact me on here or on my Instagram listed below. I will respond and try my best to help.