The Jester

All I ever wanted is to be wanted. By anyone and everyone.

After my younger brother was born when I was 3 and a half, the world no-longer seemed to revolve around me. Why don't you love me as much now, Mum and Dad?

I have always deeply loved my brother, beyond any form of symbols, especially the limiting use of words. I also resented him as I was growing up, for taking the attention away from me. I joined primary school not long after his current incarnation began. I guess I had to do something there instead, to be no.1 all of the time? I learned to be the most outrageous, rebellious and naughty boy, pushing each and every boundary. I also subconsciously developed Tourette's syndrome when he fell dangerously ill with meningitis at 1 year old and was on life support and I was told to shush when attention-seeking consistently and persistently.

Then I joined senior school.

It was harder to get away with all of that there, so I subconsciously developed a new game plan: act dumb, be the class clown, be a jester; Henry, the silly attention-seeker who can sacrifice his self-worth to make others laugh.

To be honest, I always found school education pretty pointless. Why are we taught to become a worker? Why are we not taught to re-member (re-build) who and what we are, where we come from and how to harness our ineffable power and beauty? I didn't know all of this back then. Or rather, I didn't know I knew it. Anyway, I always knew deep down that the traditional school education system is pointless and I was so drained by how tedious and insane it all was. I pre-tended to be dumb, incompetent and to 'not get it'. As my peers were excelling and getting all those super important first-letter-of-the-alphabet red pen marks on their regurgitated orthodox knowledgeable essays and in the process being told by those teachers that they are worthy and a 'somebody', I too, wanted to become a somebody, in a less arduous way.

But was it really less effort though?

Instead of putting the hours in to memorise the Universe's biggest secrets such as how the UK economy will crash again and then recover, and that aggregate demand is more important that compassion and empathy, I decided to put in effort in every moment around my peers to please them with the next most outrageous act. Fuck me, I exhausted myself for the next 13 years. I swear to God I'd rather have done 12 rounds in the ring with Tyson each day, than these never-ending workouts. I'd actually love to do that now, because he would probably just cry and hug me after his own journey of self-discovery ♥️

Is it not crazy that I was always trying to fit in? Fit into that space? When all along, I have been, am and always will be the space itself? "Hey, I've got an idea, I am going to try to fit into me." Bloody 'ell, 'arry. (almost my name). Anyway yes, back to the point, I am the infinite space of awareness; the sheer perfection. Who doesn't like to feel all floaty in their essence? No? Whatever floats your boat... no really.

Seeing as the word 'Jester' comes from the phrase 'to recite a tale', I may as well have been pretending to be the dog, I was that deep into a fictional character.

These days, I've done a full 180 (copyright Dua, 2017 or whatever) and I am now authentically play-full in many moments. All sorts of things from singing opera at the top of my lungs at 11:11pm (yes, they're with us) on the almost-empty tube platform at old street, after a brilliant sober rave, open mic and healing party, to pulling silly faces at strangers or laughing in every moment I re-member to. I love to have fun with challenging social standards and expectations, because let me ask you this:

How are we to bring about greater change, if we don't challenge

every norm?

So, through losing my-self, to finding The Self, I have the magnificent, unstoppable confidence (not out-going-ness, as I'd say they are polarities, the latter being a clever dis-guise), to no longer be the Jester for others, and to be the Jester for ME.

All I ever wanted is to be wanted. By anyone and everyone.

Now, all I ever want is for others to want themselves.

In Love,

Agapē