The Great Divide

Short intro, this blog is the first part of a five part series that I will be doing on the struggles of the mind in everyday life and situations. As blogs go this one is a very simplistic form of storytelling that is written so it can be related to the reader (you) that will hopefully shed light on the questions we ask ourselves everyday.

PROLOGUE

Do you ever feel like the brink of your existence hangs on other people's opinion of you? Like the scariest thing in life is being forgotten, going unnoticed and uncared for even by strangers. Even if you won't admit it to yourself you want to be seen and admired. It's like living with two minds, one side hates how shallow society has become, and wants to push against social barriers that force us to keep our real selves locked away from the preying eyes of a judgemental world, but the other side craves acceptance, and has been grasped by the western world's depiction of a perfect life. You want your life to look perfect even when it's not. These two minds battle for dominance everyday, you're constantly being pulled from one side to the other that it becomes hard to distinguish what's really you, what do you really want?

I call this the great divide, and it is uniquely prominent in the western world. It usually happens around the late teens early twenties. The pressure of reputation has now become paramount. We are talking about 21st century kids who have grown up surrounded by the internet, social media and reality tv shows. Everything is about image, even if what you are putting out there is fake it still counts. Nobody wants to see the struggle and hardship that comes with success, they just want to see the end result and so we falsify our results. Bringing it years forward in pictures of grand holidays, new cars and expensive things, and because we spend so much time and money attempting to look successful we forget to actually invest in the real thing, content in the image of it rather than the reality of it. But there is a tiny voice in your head that starts small and grows louder as the pressure grows stronger, "why am I doing this? why am I exhausting myself mentally and physically to be accepted by people that don't even know me". But this is not what I want to talk about extensively (although it is relevant), if I wrote a book about all the issues that have manifested into society I could write volumes. What I want is to share an experience in the simplest way possible so that it can be understood.

PART ONE

I am not a classy girl, nor am I elegant, if I ever had a stalker I surely sent him running when he witnessed my ungainly manner in everything I do. The girl inside my head and the girl the world sees are two different people. I often feel like a being from another world and I have yet to master the controls of this meat body I have been given. I am never at ease except for when I am alone, my expressions never match my mood, my tone doesn't often match my words and I am graceless a lot of the time. I write this because I feel that this is not a unique feeling. billions of people I'm sure feel the same about themselves, and throughout my 22 years, through the horrible situations, hard conversations, unsatisfying jobs and challenging truths I have come to understand, that life is not about finding yourself but about finding who it is you want to be.

There is no premeditated personality, set out for us before we are born characteristics written in stone. Sure some people are kinder than others, or funnier than others and crazier than others, but this is down to the environment. If I was born into a rich family I'm sure I would be a lot more confident than I am today. But my point is, this is why there is a great divide, we all go through a pivotal transition in life, and it is like living with two minds because we are shedding our skin and for this to happen successfully, we must decide who it is we want to be.

This idea of finding ourselves has been sown into the fabrics of our lives, placed into coming of age films, moulded into the belief that a long trip abroad will enable us to find ourselves, as if another part of our being is out there, waiting to show itself. But the truth is both these sayings go hand in hand, two sides of the same penny, the only difference being one gives you the option to take control. Once you decide who it is you want to be, you have then found your preferred self, a self that has not been waiting to be discovered but a self you have chosen and will mould into reality, otherwise believing you are something to be found might see you searching forever.

This idea means that the great divide cannot be completed and the confusion never lifted and so we keep on searching tirelessly without realising that actually there is no me to find, instead just ask yourself what type of person do you want to be? And then make the necessary steps towards becoming that person. For example me, I want to be someone who knows what she wants from life, I want to have boundaries that I don't allow to be crossed, I want to be so authentic in myself, to speak my own truth so loudly that people gravitate towards me. These things don't come easy to an introvert like me, but I know it's there, I know I don't have to be held within the restraints of these predetermined attributes formed by childhood.

When I didn't know who I wanted to be, when I thought I was trying to find myself, I had no boundaries, no understanding of myself and it echoed through every aspect of my life most achingly in my love life. Now this is not a love advice blog but I will share one experience that is repeated over and over again.

You find someone, or they find you, you like each other, they say all the right things and so do you and so you start something together. It's unclear what it is but you hope that they want the same as you, you notice things, things that alert the tiny red flag in your mind but you say nothing because you have a preconceived perception of this person in your mind, so you ignore it. Lines get crossed, you still ignore it because when its good between you it's REALLY good, that feeling...you don't want to lose it, if you say and do the right things it can become exactly what you envisioned in your head. Time goes on and then the ugly truth shows its face, this person is not your person, but you still love them or maybe you just love the idea of them.

The moment you meet someone and begin to fantasize and imagine these great scenarios, you have lost that person, because they are no longer a person but an idea. I once had an ex friend with benefits say to me “the more time you spend with people the more you will realise they really aren't that great” and grudgingly I admit, he is right. Our imaginations tend to put people on a pedestal and like I once read somewhere “don't date someone's potential date their reality”. Because I didn't know who I was I didn't know what boundaries to set for myself, I dated peoples potential and stayed longer than I should have because I put my worth in them. If I don't know who I am maybe they can show me, because I like who I am when I am with them, maybes that the real me? And when they leave they take me with them and once again I am left hollow.

I was cursed, with a horrible syndrome called “living for others”. I had no sense of self, my value was defined by others, how they saw me. My worth validated by another's love, if he can love me its means I am lovable, but if he does not love me I am not worth loving. Its a strange thing to feel so protective of yourself yet so defenceless. In my mind I was special, I deserved everything I was so kind, so smart and loving, so why did every relationship come crashing down. I wanted the best for myself, I deserved the best right? yet my image of myself could be shattered by a single word from another. I simultaneously thought I was the worst and the best. This was the two minds at play. We live in a state of two minds about everything, and again by deciding who I wanted to be I decided that I was a girl worth loving because the girl I wanted to be was worth loving. I don't want to get cliché and turn this into a cheesy self-help piece. What I want is profound realisations, earth shattering understandings and heart stopping truths for the reader. The raw truth that only comes with experience or the telling of an experience in its simplest form.

Think of life as a spiral that is always expanding. Situations are repeated because you are coming back round to it each time in each stage of your life, these situations aren't to punish you, but to give you the opportunity to make a different choice, to use the previous knowledge and put it to use. Each time getting closer to a wiser you, to the you you like, to the you preferred, to the state of mind that is precise in its chore values. Stepping away from the two minds and into one.

I have always been afraid of precision, of the deafening sound of a choice, of the definite, right or wrong, yes or no. I never want to be wrong, I never want to make the wrong choice, so I don't make any. It took me a long time to understand what people meant when they said "do not be afraid of failure, embrace it" failure is the only thing that will move you towards success, there cannot be success without it. It is a necessary step, and if you wont face failure you will never see success. And that is what its like to live in two minds, to not make a choice, to not decide who you want to be, left in limbo.

END

This first part of my five part series is just an introduction to the ideas I hope to expand on. Its not about giving answers per se, more about shedding light on the direction of these answers.

I really hope you enjoyed.