The Evolution of Me

An old friend from high school recently friended me on Facebook and some of our reminisces made me reflect on my journey to the current iteration of me. The journey has been a wild one and I do truly like the woman who I have become. I hope you get some laughs from my missteps and commiserate with some of my growing pains

Back in high school, I was a model student and an oddball surrounded by a friend group of similar oddballs. I tried to be weird and, boy, did I succeed. My fashion sense was questionable and sporadic. Some days I could have gotten lost in a crowd at a Lamb of God concert and others at Woodstock, and now...well, somethings never change.

High school was the pinnacle of my young life. I had finally found my clan (I won’t bore you with the details of the depressing middle school and cruel elementary school days) and I was deeply involved in three different after school activities. I did well in school without really trying and was the President of two different clubs by the time I was a senior. School was my primary place for hanging out with my friends because they were involved in many of the same activities that I was, but if I wasn’t doing something school or friend related, I was at home writing. To be honest, I was writing at school too. If I finished my work early, out came the notebook and I was feverishly scribbling down my newest idea. I was incredibly prolific but not terribly good. I once wrote a 600ish page Harry Potter fan fiction that has been thankfully lost to the ages. It was the worst of self-insertion fan fics and I assure you that the world is better off without this particular story. Don’t worry, I stopped putting myself into the story. That was reserved for the early teenage years. I sometimes still look back at my teenage self and dream of the focus that I once had. The writing zone was always there, one trigger word away. I could immediately pick up where I left off and just go. Ah, the good ol’ days...

Despite my love of writing, I knew that this was merely a hobby and I needed to get a real job. I had decided to become a teacher because I’d been inspired by two of mine who had truly made a difference in my life (Shout out to Yarnall and Schellhamer!) and even my young mind thought that state sponsored benefits sounded like a solid idea. I got into a good college and prepared to enjoy my adult life. I was laser focused and knew where I was going and how I would get there.

Unfortunately, though, high school had taught me two very important falsehoods. First, I didn’t need to try very hard and second, if you go through the steps, you’ll always succeed.

College was as much of a disaster as it could be while still succeeding at the actual degree part. I went to Temple University my first year, then looked at the bill and transferred to a nice, cheap state university. Backwards, I know, but I was young. I learned a lot that first year in the big city though. I shared a room with two strangers who I had almost nothing in common with and I discovered how quickly money really does spend. Overall though, I was still a dumb kid and I would say I really have a clue and realize my mistakes until after I graduated, too late to capitalize on the opportunity that college really does represent. My biggest regret is not studying abroad. At the time, I thought it was too expensive, and it would have taken me away from the man I loved. I still wonder what that semester would have done for me if I had decided to take advantage of it.

I met the future ex-Mrs. Sanchez my freshman year and devoted most of my time to him. He was a cool guy and we got along swimmingly, but we were both too immature and I lost myself in the relationship. Did I further my path to geekdom by my association with him? Oh, most certainly, but I lost all balance and some of myself along the way. We got married shortly after I graduated and divorced shortly after that. It was not painless, but I can say that ten years later, we are both in happy, healthy relationships.

I had graduated though, right? That means it’s time to find a real job, not this food service stuff that I’d been doing. I started with substitute teaching, as is the way and it wasn’t bad, but of all the applications that I sent out, I only got one interview and no job. After the divorce, I had to move back home and the only school that scheduled me for subbing was generally defined as the worst in the area. Unfortunately, dealing with those students and the lack of interviewing opportunities killed the desire for me to teach. Who knew it would be so hard??? I had the degree, honors even, but so did everyone else. There wasn’t much that distinguished me from anyone else in what I assume was a giant stack of applicants and unfortunately, playing video games with my fiance was not a valid extracurricular activity. I also didn’t want to move out of the state, which is laughable for me now. Ah, to be young and naive.

With a friendly urging from my friend/manager at my fun new side job, I decided to plunge myself into the world of retail management! After applying for various positions in my store, I received my first management spot. I later found out that my education degree had been a major factor in the store manager’s decision. Apparently, he thought it would help me wrangle some of my younger associates. I don’t know how much it actually helped but I ran a tight ship and a good department.

I made it to almost eight years at Sears and by the end I was in charge of two different departments (three before they merged departments, RIP electronics), totaling several million dollars in sales each year and overseeing a large sales team.

Then the store closed.

Don’t worry. I knew it was coming. I was working for Sears, after all. My partner and I had hatched a plan several years in the making. That real job that I had been looking for? Eh, we thought we’d planned and saved enough to try our hand at our passions. We wanted to travel, to make our money on our terms and see the country as we did it. The whole time I’d been at Sears, I’d been building my chainmaille business (slowly at first, but growing). So, when it closed we kicked it into high gear and put our dreams to the test. We left in September with plans to stay at the in-laws place for the holidays and picking up when people’s tax returns started coming in. Instead of working full time at Sears and using my free time to make chainmaille, chainmaille became my full time job and writing became the free time pursuit.

Then COVID happened. Yeah, we didn’t see that coming, but it’s okay. We’re adapting and we have a place to stay until we can pick up the pieces that COVID has left. Mark is going back to school and I’m diving into retail again (this time at a bookstore, far more me than appliances and lawn mowers).

My Current Iteration

So, how am I now different from my former self? I still have the same bestie (two decades strong!), I still love to create, and I still love science fiction and fantasy, but they are all more refined. She and I will always be friends, always have each other’s backs, but I now understand what that means instead of the mild version from our school days. My creations are far superior to the macaroni like art that I used to do and I’ve dived deeper into the genres and found an even richer collection of works than my younger self dreamed possible.

Importantly, I also have a far greater understanding of the importance of perseverance and determination. I have always been a hard worker, and I don’t mind it, but that’s part of the issue. Perseverance is about doing something even when it sucks. I learned that lesson more slowly than I should have and it’s about to be put to the test again. I just finished the first draft of my first novel. Now I have to edit it and push myself to make the hard choices,

I still write, obviously, but I understand my lack of focus (which has improved as I’ve started taking writing more seriously). When I was in high school, I was a dumb kid. Highly organized and in charge of lots of things, but still a dumb kid. Now I’m an adult and, while I would never claim to be of the uber-intelligent, I am more wise but I also have A LOT of things on my mind. There’s just more in there and as much as I’d like to pull writing to the front at a moment’s notice, sometimes I have to remember to pick up the milk instead.

My priorities are also more appropriately aligned. I want to contribute to society in a way that is purely me. I want to write a book that someone will lose themselves in or commiserate with the characters. I want to make the perfect accessory for someone. I want to use my creativity to enrich the world.

I’m far more comfortable being me. My weirdness in highschool was my armor. It allowed me to fit in with my choice of peers and gave me an excuse to not like those preppy kids. Now I laugh at that. Now I’m just me. I’m not sure if I’m weird or not, but I am unforgivingly me and accepting of others unless they prove themselves unacceptable, which mostly happens if they are overly judgemental or bad people. I’ve also adopted a mantra that I feel like most people can and should (in my humble opinion) follow: Don’t be a dick. The world would be a nicer place if people followed this simple rule. Plus, actively being a dick puts you on my naughty list.

I have also firmly moved into the child-free category of adults. Some people are just not meant to have their own children and I think I’m one of them. The funny thing is that I enjoy interacting with children on a limited basis, but then they leave, and that’s how I like it. You know what little one I really like though? My cat. He’s my little snuggle buddy and I love him dearly.

I have also learned the capacity to adapt. I don’t mean in a simple sense like changing your focus at work from selling dryers to refrigerators, but profound changes. During our current crisis, everyone that I know has had to adapt their work and home lives. While I am certainly not an expert, I’ve learned to not be as stubborn as my younger self. When life used to throw lemons at me, I’d throw them back. Now I try to be all about the lemonade. It isn’t always easy, but I refer you back to determination and perseverance.

The last and most important piece of 33 year old me is my interaction with my partner Mark. Last we saw my love life, I was recently divorced and immature. Fast forward through a few boyfriends and I have found someone to love and grow with. I really think that’s the most important part too. Young me would have spun some weird, vague description of what I thought love was. Current me (five years in), knows that idealistic love is bullshit. It’s hard work for both people, but the two most important characteristics are growth and communication. In the short time we’ve been together, we’ve both grown and because of those open lines of communication, we’ve grown together. I’m sure my definition will grow in another ten years, but that’s the nature of healthy relationships.

We are ever evolving creatures, as we should be. Grow, change, be the best version of yourself. Always strive for better, but remember where you come from so you can see how far you’ve come. I’ve certainly made mistakes along the way, but those mistakes have further enriched my life with lessons. Sometimes I wish I could redo parts of my life, but then I wouldn’t be where I am now, and where I am now is good (not all, but mostly) and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite books: “The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in a while, and watch your answers change.” (Illusions: Memoirs of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach)

Remember to check out the chainmaille shop. It’s full of creative pieces that I hope will bring you joy and a proper addition to your personal style.

There’s also my new short story! It takes place in Asaldium (the world of my novel that I mentioned earlier. Download it for free today!